Scars

There's something that keeps going round and round in my head recently and I feel the only way to get it out is to write it down.

We lose people all the time.

I'm not necessarily talking about death although they fall into the category but break-ups, loss of contact with friends, family etc.

Some memories you try so desperately to hold onto.

The way my grandmother used to wipe away my tears when I was sad and tell me that "tears are precious, you shouldn't waste them" 

My sisters belly laugh when she giggled.

What they looked like, their faces; their voices. 

I'm always worried I'll forget them.

Then there are some memories you try to forget. 

Erase from your memory like they never happened.

When you go through a break up or loss of contact, your mind seems to replay all the happy memories but they're not happy anymore they're just a reminder that hurts so you push them away. 

Focus on something else.

When you lose a loved one, your mind fills you with guilt. All the things you wish you hadn't said, All the things you wish you had said more. 

It cruel really because now they're gone forever and you know you'll never get that chance.

To tell them:

I'm sorry

I love you

I miss you

I forgive you

Instead these words haunt me, these memories I'm trying so hard to forget are like burns.

I'm left with the scars.

Last breathe of air

Have you ever felt like you can't cope?

Overwhelmed.

It's like you're being held underwater and on your last breathe of air.

Then it all goes black.

You start to lose your sense of reality, sense of purpose.

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

I seem to spend all my time working with no goal.

No end point.

It's being underwater and not being able to see the floor or the surface.

I know I'm grieving and I need to give myself a break, it takes a long time, years in fact to feel ok again.

3 years seems to be the amount of time it takes.

I keep feeling rushed into feeling better.

"Don't let it rule your life"

"She wouldn't want you to be sad"

"Pull yourself together"

The supportive words told at me from the ones I love who are getting frustrating with my sadness.

I didn't choose this.

This was all out of my control.

My sister died and I couldn't do anything.

I'm now stuck with this pain I don't think I deserve.

and I'm supposed to get over it?

Act like it isn't there?

The funny thing is the people who say these things are the one who have never had to grieve like this.

You cannot tell me how I am supposed to be feeling.

You cannot tell me when I should stop being sad.

You need to accept and support me when I am having a bad day because what happened was awful and I deserve to be able to grieve that loss when I need too.

I do not choose when I will have a trigger. I don't have control on this.

I merely have good and bad days.

I shouldn't feel ashamed of that.