Last breathe of air

Have you ever felt like you can't cope?

Overwhelmed.

It's like you're being held underwater and on your last breathe of air.

Then it all goes black.

You start to lose your sense of reality, sense of purpose.

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

I seem to spend all my time working with no goal.

No end point.

It's being underwater and not being able to see the floor or the surface.

I know I'm grieving and I need to give myself a break, it takes a long time, years in fact to feel ok again.

3 years seems to be the amount of time it takes.

I keep feeling rushed into feeling better.

"Don't let it rule your life"

"She wouldn't want you to be sad"

"Pull yourself together"

The supportive words told at me from the ones I love who are getting frustrating with my sadness.

I didn't choose this.

This was all out of my control.

My sister died and I couldn't do anything.

I'm now stuck with this pain I don't think I deserve.

and I'm supposed to get over it?

Act like it isn't there?

The funny thing is the people who say these things are the one who have never had to grieve like this.

You cannot tell me how I am supposed to be feeling.

You cannot tell me when I should stop being sad.

You need to accept and support me when I am having a bad day because what happened was awful and I deserve to be able to grieve that loss when I need too.

I do not choose when I will have a trigger. I don't have control on this.

I merely have good and bad days.

I shouldn't feel ashamed of that.