I thought I wanted to fall in love

I thought I wanted to fall in love,

I don't think that's true anymore,

It's like when you go diving, as you go deeper in the water you have to equalize but you can't force it, if you force it you can permanently damage your ears and not be able to dive again.

I tried to force falling in love and now I don't know if I can do it again.

Pathetic right? 

I was recently a victim of a sexual assault, 

Ever since then things have changed, I've changed to be more exact.

The words I used to dream of hearing were "You're beautiful" and "I love you"

Now the words I need to hear are "I will never hurt you"

and by that I mean physically hurt me, I shouldn't have to hear those words, I should be able to trust in the goodness of humanity that I am safe but that trust has been broken,

So now I don't want someone to hold me at night, in fact I don't want anyone to touch me.

I don't want someone to hold my hand.

I don't want someone to buy me flowers.

I don't want gifts or fancy dates.

All I want, all I need, is to not feel broken anymore.

Something so simple yet so hard to achieve.

Someone can't fix me; I have to be my own saviour in this story.

I think I almost got raped

I had an experience last night which unfortunately is common but it shouldn't be.

Still in shock over the situation it was only when I got home and messaged my best friend did it suddenly becomes real.

"I think I almost got raped"

Still looking down at the bruises on my legs and arms it all seems surreal, like it was just a bad dream.

I was sober.

I was wearing jeans and a t=shirt.

I was on a date.

The worst date of my life.

One I'll try but won't forget.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone round his house.

He was still basically a stranger.

But he didn't feel like a stranger to me.

I'd met him before and we'd become good friends, at least I thought we were.

We sat on the sofa in the lounge, the curtains still open looking onto a busy street.

The TV was on and we just sat there talking.

Then out of the blue he kissed me. My first kiss in a while.

It wasn't romantic. It was forceful.

Next thing I knew I was being dragged to the floor.

Held down.

I tried to push him away but he ignored me.

I told him to stop.

"Ah babe don't be like that"

That was his response as he then carried on.

I finally managed to get away when he couldn't undo my jeans and hold me down at the same time.

When I got home I cried. I cried my pathetic little heart out.

I just felt so abused. So broken.

I still do.

I don't know the real point of this blog.

I could tell you learn from my lesson.

But this wasn't my fault.

And what's worse is even if I wanted to press charges there would be no point. 

Many rape cases with evidence don't go to court so an almost rape case is hardly going to get much support.

It's a sick world we live in where some people think it is acceptable to do this.

And then have no idea or don't even care about the consequences.

He'll probably tell his friends I'm a "frigid bitch"

I'll tell my friends the truth

he tried to rape me.