2008- A daydream

2008

I move the pasta across my plate with no intention of eating it, I have a few bites for taste and wait for an adequate time to pass so I can leave the table without drawing attention to myself.

Not that I would anyway, I always ate alone whilst my parents sat in a separate room, my siblings were wither too young to eat at the table or at boarding school so it was just me.

I scrape the food in the bin and cover it up with other rubbish, again not that anyone would notice but I wasn't going to risk the lecture and abuse I'd receive if anyone found out.

I gently walked up the stairs (I was frequently shouted at for making noise even if it was just my footsteps) and shut my bedroom door.

My bedroom had just a single bed in, too small to fit anything else. 

I once had the larger room but offered it to my younger siblings, hoping it would help me become part of the family, it in fact made things worse. I was now shut off in the box room.

My mother had beautifully decorated it from the Laura Ashley catalogue, it looked like a guest room.

That was the issue, it wasn't my room.

The walls were floral in a duck egg green and curtains my mother had sewn to size herself.

I wanted to be grateful but this wasn't my room.

I wasn't allowed posters on the walls or anything that could express my identity. 

I had a beautiful mirror on the wall, with delicately painted flowers on the frame, the mirror however was covered by a pillow case.

After weeks of verbal abuse from both school and home I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror anymore.

All I could see was my big nose, my frizzy curly hair, my bad skin and fat cheeks.

The words of the bullies imprinted on my brain, tainting every thought I had. 

Unable to cope with my own thoughts I lay on my bed and did the same thing I did every day.

I'd put in my headphones with the volume of full to drown out reality.

I would imagine what it would be like if I was pretty.

What it would be like if people liked me.

I'd imagine what it would be like to have a family that greeted me when I walked through the door.

What it would be like to have someone on my side, to not feel completely alone.

Not eating was my own version of self harm.

I could do it silently, discretely, I didn't want to draw attention to myself, whenever that happened I was always called "Selfish" "Ugly" "Horrible" or a "Bad person".

I never really understood where that came from, the insults weren't relevant to whatever they were shouting at me for but none the less it leaves a mark.

It may sound strange, but lack of food gives you this high feeling, numb and cut off from reality.

It makes those comments that much easier to take when you're drifting in and out of a daydream.

A daydream where you are anyone other than yourself.


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This is about my teenage years and whilst my family may not have acted well towards me they are good people and we are in a much better place now. This post is not here to make people feel guilty or point fingers, it is to demonstrate how I became the person I am now and how the problems I am having now are linked to previous events.

I felt terrified

I find myself out of sorts this time of year more than others, as many of you know I have been struggling with a sense of self, unable to characterise who or what I am.

The things I have seen or done, the things considered brave or courageous, were not by choice.

Of course there is always an element of choice, how I acted to the situation for example but being put in that situation in the first place, that wasn't my choice.

It was just the way the dice rolled, the cards were dealt, that is life.

I had no desire to see those things, believe me my life would be much simpler if I wasn't haunted by the nightmares. 

The flashbacks.

Sounds and smells are the things that truly overwhelm me,

A certain smell of aftershave (I haven't figured out the exact make).

All it takes is for someone wearing it to walk past me and I can feel his hands around my wrist.

I can feel the bruises forming, that intense pain and fear.

I can feel his breathe against my ear.

I turn numb, unable to see anything around me, it all turns dark.

I try and control my breathing but I'm overcome by panic and fear, desperately fighting to be back in reality.

Fighting with your own mind.

The sounds are linked to a different flashback.

There isn't a trigger, it just happens sometimes.

I can hear the bang. I can't really describe the kind of bang it was because it is nothing like I'd ever heard before.

Loud enough to make your whole body shake.

Followed by the screams.

The blood curdling screams.

The screams that echoed throughout the platform.

The final flashback is again just sounds.

Again a scream, singular.

There is a difference between a scream of fear and a scream of pain.

A scream of pain from someone you love is just heartbreaking.

When in a heartbeat you would take that pain for them.

You would do anything to take it away.

But I couldn't.

The only thing I could do is be there.

Perhaps the things I witnessed and my reactions could be considered brave,

Fighting off an attacker,

Watching someone take their life,

Being there for my sister when she was terminally ill,

I'll let you into a secret,

When those things happened,

I didn't feel strong or brave.

I felt terrified. 

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What I want

"Oh no Amy's having a rant again"

Oh shhh you've missed me really. Now I know I was moving onto the Vlogging side of things but there's some things that just need to be written down. 

Mainly because I rant and ramble.. Oh look I'm doing it again...

So I have had a string of heart breaks and whilst I would like to consider myself a modern day Bridget Jones, I am unfortunately self inflicting by attracting or being attracted to the wrong kind of guys.

I'm so focused on finding someone who will want me, this train wreck of a person, I've let my standards slip.

Not in a appearance kind of way but in who they are as a person.

Now I am going to tell you some truth that all my single readers want to here.

You are not going to die alone.

There are billions of people in the world and one of those people is going to fall in love with me and say "I can't believe those guys couldn't see what I see, they lost out on the most amazing girl"

and I'll be like "Yeah they're fucking twats"

Ok so maybe it won't go exactly like that... but you get my drift.

So many people are so terrified about being alone they hop from one relationship to the next, never truly figuring out who they are or what they want in a partner.

They settle rather than be alone and wait for the right one to come along.

That's not going to be me, and if you're also single don't let the Christmas/NYE blues get you down, they're out there.

Anyway back to my point here is a list of things I want in a future partner and I'm NOT gonna settle.

1. Good heart.

Now I'm not expecting a saint, no ones got a heart of gold but I mean someone who is nice to the waiter at the restaurant (Little tip there- how to tell if someones a good person), someone who will help carry a pushchair up the stairs at a train station. I mean I do all these things, they better do it too.

2. Been through hell

I don't want someone who has had a perfect life. I don't want someone who has never experienced any kind of tragedy, I know that sounds strange but there's this bravery and maturity that comes from this. I find even with friends it is hard to connect with someone who has never felt true heart break, it does change you and makes you a better person. I basically want to marry Harry Potter.

3. Easy to talk too

You know you meet these people who right from the beginning could talk like you'd know each other your whole life. It just works, it's so easy so natural That's what I want, someone who I can be completely me with (and by that I mean be the weird person I truly am and hopefully they'll also be weird)

4. Make me laugh and laugh at themselves.

If you know me, you know how much I laugh at myself- it's all the time. I am so clumsy and do the most ridiculous things where you just have to laugh and I'm not going to be cool and try act like nothing happened- no, I will tell you exactly how stupid I am even if I was the only one that saw. If you can make me laugh, I'm sold. Sometimes I struggle to smile so finding someone who can make me cry with laughter is very important. 

5. Physically attractive

Oh come on now, I had to be a little bit shallow somewhere. I'm not talking Ryan Gosling how about a beautiful tall man with blue eyes? No? In all seriousness if they can do the first four I'll find them attractive no matter what colour their eyes are.

(Btw this isn't a job description, please don't start messaging me your CVs saying you have all the right qualifications)

MAN I SOUND SO LAME.

Oh well it's done now, the fact is I'm not searching for this person, I am done with dating.

They can find me. 

Or I'll be crazy cat lady.

Either way I won't be alone!

Blog love

xxx