I felt terrified

I find myself out of sorts this time of year more than others, as many of you know I have been struggling with a sense of self, unable to characterise who or what I am.

The things I have seen or done, the things considered brave or courageous, were not by choice.

Of course there is always an element of choice, how I acted to the situation for example but being put in that situation in the first place, that wasn't my choice.

It was just the way the dice rolled, the cards were dealt, that is life.

I had no desire to see those things, believe me my life would be much simpler if I wasn't haunted by the nightmares. 

The flashbacks.

Sounds and smells are the things that truly overwhelm me,

A certain smell of aftershave (I haven't figured out the exact make).

All it takes is for someone wearing it to walk past me and I can feel his hands around my wrist.

I can feel the bruises forming, that intense pain and fear.

I can feel his breathe against my ear.

I turn numb, unable to see anything around me, it all turns dark.

I try and control my breathing but I'm overcome by panic and fear, desperately fighting to be back in reality.

Fighting with your own mind.

The sounds are linked to a different flashback.

There isn't a trigger, it just happens sometimes.

I can hear the bang. I can't really describe the kind of bang it was because it is nothing like I'd ever heard before.

Loud enough to make your whole body shake.

Followed by the screams.

The blood curdling screams.

The screams that echoed throughout the platform.

The final flashback is again just sounds.

Again a scream, singular.

There is a difference between a scream of fear and a scream of pain.

A scream of pain from someone you love is just heartbreaking.

When in a heartbeat you would take that pain for them.

You would do anything to take it away.

But I couldn't.

The only thing I could do is be there.

Perhaps the things I witnessed and my reactions could be considered brave,

Fighting off an attacker,

Watching someone take their life,

Being there for my sister when she was terminally ill,

I'll let you into a secret,

When those things happened,

I didn't feel strong or brave.

I felt terrified. 

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