One of the bravest and best decisions I've ever made.

Domestic abuse comes in different forms, you may not see the bruises but the psychological trauma leaves scars on both your brain and heart.

I never spoken about this before in great detail, mainly as the abuser frequently read my blog and I didn't want to aggravate him.

Even now typing to you, and I have shared some of my deepest secrets with you, I can feel a lump in my throat and I small voice is telling me to stop.

That is him.

That is months of continuous control and abuse engrained into my very being.

Here is the story.

At the start he was lovely, he said he was worried about me walking home from work 
so asked me to text him when I left and when I go there, I remember thinking how nice it was to have someone care.

In previous relationships I had always yearned to be defended, when other men grabbed or cat called me my previous boyfriends wouldn't react.

He was different, he would get into fights defending me, pull me closer and make sure I was ok.

I felt safe.

Until he became the one I was scared of.

If a man were to just look at me, I would feel the tight squeeze of his hand on my wrist and be terrified for when we get home to face his anger and accusations.

New Years Eve 2014/2015: 
I had been terribly ill with the flu and could barely get out of bed but I'd made reservations at a fancy restaurant for us. I dressed up despite having a fever and went out.

He was on his phone thorough the whole meal to his friend at a party a great distant away. 

I had hardly eaten any food due to feeling so faint and ill was focussing on just keeping awake.

I told him I could barely make it here let alone to a party across town.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, slammed his fist against the table and muttered "selfish cow".

I don't know whether it was my lack of sleep, illness or his disgusting behaviour but tears began to fill my eyes.

Aware I was in public and trying not to draw attention to myself I looked away to the hanging paintings in the restaurant.

The more I tried to stop crying, the more the tears began to fall it was like I could feel every one of his outbursts all at once, like punches to my stomach. 

We walked home in silence.

The ground was frozen over and all you could hear were the happy cheers of drunken people echo through the empty road.

When we got to the house, he went to bed without a word.

It was just 10.30pm.

I asked if he was going to stay up till midnight as we could still see the fireworks and count down on the tv.

He shouted in his aggressive voice that if he wasn't going to the party, he wasn't going to celebrate at all and my selfishness had ruined his night.

Still in my black dress I sat down in the darkness and cried.

I started to think of an escape plan, a way of me getting home to my parents but unfortunately there would be no taxis, everyone would of had too much to drink and I could hardly do an hours walk in my heels.

Instead I lay down on the cold leather sofa and cried myself to sleep.

You would think that alone would have been enough for me to leave but I stayed.

I stayed for 6 more months.

The controlling got worse.

It started as a text to let him know where I was, to a photo to prove I was where I said I was.

I wasn't allowed to see friends or talk to family about him, not the truth anyway.

He told me I wasn't allowed to speak to other men, that was when I first tried to break up with him, he told me that if I broke up with him he would kill himself.

I couldn't leave.

My friends told me that he was probably bluffing, but what if he wasn't? I would never be able to live with that guilt.

Daily accusations of cheating, followed by how no one would ever love me like he did.

No one would ever care for me like he did.

No one would ever put up with me, I was so difficult, so disgusting, No one else would find me desirable.

That if I left him I would die alone.

I did break up with him eventually, I firstly told him mum and dad so they could go round and make sure he didn't kill himself.

He contacted me a month ago saying how he was struggling and needed support.

Whilst it wasn't my place to do so anymore I couldn't just ignore him so I tried to help.

It was 10 o'clock I had just finished a 6.5 hour shift and was in tesco buying some dinner.

I had 5 missed called.

I answered the phone..

"Where have you been?"

"You finish work at 9.30 it is now 10 what have you been doing all this time?"

That is when I realised that I do not have the energy to do this all over again.

I am not being dragged back into that hell of a relationship.

I refuse to be treated that way again.

I hung up the phone and blocked his number.

One of the bravest and best decisions I've ever made.