The girl who lived

Today is the anniversary of when I tried to kill myself.

Not the kind of anniversary that should really be celebrated, I don't expect flowers or cards.

However reading back on a post a made a year ago, being transported back to a time where I sat on my bed and wrote my first suicide note, where I was trapped in my own mind and the whole world was just dark.

This time is always going to be difficult for me, not just for the way my body remembers the turmoil I put it through but also as 3 years ago I was living in a children's hospice caring for my little sister,

Holding her hand whilst she cried herself to sleep and whilst she was surrounded by nurses and doctors the only one she'd talk too or trust was me, a heavy burden to hold.

I never minded that burden, in fact it always gave me purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning because someone truly needed me, I couldn't be replaced I was the one she wanted and that was truly an honour.

When that burden was lifted you'd think I felt relieved but I didn't, I felt empty.

My whole life since I was just over a year old was being Charlotte's big sister.

She was deaf so used sign language and as she had four fingers on each hand her signing was unique and hard to understand but I had grown up learning with her making in fluent in how she spoke.

I could tell what she was saying so much quicker than anyone else that meant I never left her side especially as my whole family except my mum and my older brother didn't know sign language so I was her translator growing up.

You know how when you were in primary school as you had that best friend that you'd follow around everything, you'd do everything together, well that was Charlotte and I except she needed me next to her. 

She needed me to tell people what she needed. how she was feeling, if she needed a drink or medicine or felt ill or was in pain.

She couldn't function without me,

I couldn't function without her.

When she died, part of me died too and it wasn't until she was gone I realised how much I needed her.

My entire life purpose had been ripped apart from me, the person I had grown into was all due to her and she was gone.

I couldn't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life could just be taken from you. Just like that.

Who am I supposed to be if I'm not her big sister?

What use am I to the world?

So many questions screamed in my mind as I sat in her funeral surrounded by family who saw me as nothing else,

With her gone I felt myself fading into the background, no one could see me anymore.

It's been three years and my heart still aches for the loss but I can tell you who I am without her.

I am the big sister to 3 beautiful (yet slightly annoying) little boys, who think I'm the coolest person ever (I mean I'm not, it's a total lie but they don't need to know that)

I am the daughter who held up her mother when she needed me most, when she learnt Charlotte was dying My older brother Adam and I held the family together and made sure everyone was there for Charlotte.

I am the artist who can put my feelings to paper and create some not so terrible art.

I am the writer who uses her blog as a coping mechanism but also helps others going through similar heartache.

I am the girl who tried to kill herself and survived,  using the same strength my sister had to carry on through my darkest hour.

I am the girl, who lived.

The girl who lived

Not the kind of anniversary that should really be celebrated, I don't expect flowers or cards.

However reading back on a post a made a year ago, being transported back to a time where I sat on my bed and wrote my first suicide note, where I was trapped in my own mind and the whole world was just dark.

This time is always going to be difficult for me, not just for the way my body remembers the turmoil I put it through but also as 3 years ago I was living in a children's hospice caring for my little sister,

Holding her hand whilst she cried herself to sleep and whilst she was surrounded by nurses and doctors the only one she'd talk too or trust was me, a heavy burden to hold.

I never minded that burden, in fact it always gave me purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning because someone truly needed me, I couldn't be replaced I was the one she wanted and that was truly an honour.

When that burden was lifted you'd think I felt relieved but I didn't, I felt empty.

My whole life since I was just over a year old was being Charlotte's big sister.

She was deaf so used sign language and as she had four fingers on each hand her signing was unique and hard to understand but I had grown up learning with her making in fluent in how she spoke.

I could tell what she was saying so much quicker than anyone else that meant I never left her side especially as my whole family except my mum and my older brother didn't know sign language so I was her translator growing up.

You know how when you were in primary school as you had that best friend that you'd follow around everything, you'd do everything together, well that was Charlotte and I except she needed me next to her. 

She needed me to tell people what she needed. how she was feeling, if she needed a drink or medicine or felt ill or was in pain.

She couldn't function without me,

I couldn't function without her.

When she died, part of me died too and it wasn't until she was gone I realised how much I needed her.

My entire life purpose had been ripped apart from me, the person I had grown into was all due to her and she was gone.

I couldn't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life could just be taken from you. Just like that.

Who am I supposed to be if I'm not her big sister?

What use am I to the world?

So many questions screamed in my mind as I sat in her funeral surrounded by family who saw me as nothing else,

With her gone I felt myself fading into the background, no one could see me anymore.

It's been three years and my heart still aches for the loss but I can tell you who I am without her.

I am the big sister to 3 beautiful (yet slightly annoying) little boys, who think I'm the coolest person ever (I mean I'm not, it's a total lie but they don't need to know that)

I am the daughter who held up her mother when she needed me most, when she learnt Charlotte was dying My older brother Adam and I held the family together and made sure everyone was there for Charlotte.

I am the artist who can put my feelings to paper and create some not so terrible art.

I am the writer who uses her blog as a coping mechanism but also helps others going through similar heartache.

I am the girl who tried to kill herself and survived,  using the same strength my sister had to carry on through my darkest hour.

I am the girl, who lived.

Thank you

(This blog post sounds like that Jamelia song but we're just going to politely ignore that- cool?)

To the man who broke my heart.

Thank you 

Thank you for walking out of my life, for leaving me.

Thank you for hurting me, 

Thank you for all the tears, the bruises, the slamming doors and raised voices.

Thank you for breaking every last bit of me,

If not, I wouldn't have learnt something valuable.

I would never have learnt how strong I could be.

I would never have learnt what I deserve from life, from love.

I would never have learnt to not let any person treat me that way.

I would never have fallen in love with a man who is kind,

Thank you for giving him the opportunity to love me, do things that would make me truly happy, to really keep me,

He does all the things you failed to do for me, like being there for me when I feel most alone.

Give me time and affection even when I'm not asking for it.

He loves me for all that I am, and will support me in anything I want to be.

Thank you for making me into the person I am today,

Thank you for showing me that I deserve someone stronger, braver and kinder than you-

and I am so thankful I found that someone.

In a world where everybody lies

I haven't spoken to you in a while, sorry for being a bad friend, forgive me?

So I have a boyfriend now (Woowoop)

Nope I didn't see it coming either.

I wasn't in a great place when we met, I mean I wasn't in a super bad place like I have been I just wasn't in a particularly good place.

I wasn't looking for someone to fix me because I don't need fixing- I'm not broken, 

I am just a girl who has had a rough five years and noone will be able to change that (Unless they happen to have a time machine but I'm not sure if that would be very helpful).

I have issues trusting people for reasons you can read about in other blog posts.

There are very few people I would be able to call friends because my walls are up very high,

In world where everybody lies, it is hard to find someone to trust.

Whilst he hasn't changed the past, or fixed any problems, he's done something quite remarkable.

He broke down my walls, without me even realising,

and when he rebuilt my walls he didn't just make them stronger,

he put in windows so the sun could shine in.

Blog love/ Sorry for being lame

xxx

"Where's wally" of failed relationships

They say you don't know pain till you've walked a mile in another man shoes,

What they should really say is you don't know pain till you've walked barefoot for 20 minutes 

Holding my heels in one hand and my phone as a flash light in the other I found myself lost in my own thoughts.

The silence was deafening heightening any thoughts I had placed securely at the back of my mind,

Alcohol also had a role to play in this (Also a role in any spelling mistakes so I apologise).

I had drank a few drinks and whilst alcohol is normally a great party starter for most people, for me it let down the barriers for the waves of sadness I had been holding back and determined to not ruin the  night for anyone else I would take myself home.

Whilst misery may love company, I certainly do not want to add company to my misery.

The night was good don't get me wrong, amazing people and everything but as I looked onto the crowd of people I noticed a few familiar situations.

The one crying over the boy.

The argument between a couple.

The guy being strung along by a girl.

Almost like a "Where's wally" of failed relationships.

As I tried to explain to someone as a victim of heartbreak, I'll explain it to you also...

People are horrible.

They are, They really are,

People are selfish and nasty,

and I'll bet the person you're crying over doesn't even give a damn

(Tough love right there)

BUT all it's going to take is one person

One person to treat you half as well as they did,

To realise that they really weren't all that,

There are nice people out there but believe me I've kissed my fair share of frogs.

You know what it is worth it.

Every single heart break,

Every single confidence blow caused by a selfish being,

was worth it for the feeling I have now,

The feeling of being wanted,

The feeling of being incredibly happy by another,

I guess what I'm trying to say is whatever horrible experience you've had finding love or any relationship you're currently in where you think this isn't right,

There is so much better out there, you just have to have faith.

Blog love

xxx

"...I'm not fine"

Sitting in a doctors office is something everyone has experienced, the polite gesture for you to take a seat followed by the "How can I help you today?".

For me it's slightly different, I feel like whenever I go to see my doctor, she gives me that sympathetic smile and very softly asks "How are you?" like I'm a baby bird with a broken wing.

All it takes is a look into my tired eyes to know exactly how I am however I fake a smile and without thinking mutter "I'm fine it's just..."

Then I self reflect on the words that just escaped my mouth, why on earth did I say that and then pulling my eyes away from the floor I say 

"...I'm not fine"

It's very hard to admit how you really feel, even to a doctor someone who needs to know exactly how you are because it is so much easier to lie and avoid those questions.

Those god damn questions which are always asked but are impossible to answer.

I don't know what is worse, being asked "what's wrong" when nothing is right or having someone not ask you at all.

I hate feeling like this.

This feeling of overwhelming sadness but I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so empty but there hasn't been a trigger, nothing particularly bad has happened.

It feels like missing someone you've never met.

Needing someone who doesn't need you.

Loneliness engulfs you, takes over every inch of you but you don't even care.

Sadness becomes your best and only friend, isolating you from everyone.

Desperate to be left alone as you hate who you've become but also wishing for someone to come along and take the pain away.

Someone to just tell you that everything will be fine.

I hate feeling like that.

The feeling where you don't know what you're feeling.

Depression is stealing my education.

Stealing all of my friends

My motivation.

My dreams.

My future

My life

Me,

Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, it's not that I've forgotten about you- I think about you every day. It's just right now I feel like I need you more than ever, I feel so alone and I know it's because you're not here. You were the only one I knew like that back of my hand, it was like you spoke a language which only I understood, I could just look at your face and be able to tell how you were feeling. 

Of course part of that is due to you being so expressive which is another thing I terribly miss. If something upset you or angered you everyone knew about it, with you I always knew where I stood, other people are so fake and it's tiring having to constantly read between the lines. You would never have anyone in your life who wasn't worth it, I used to think that was quite cruel but now I admire it, you had so much control over a life which was completely unfair and wasn't willing to let other people ruin the few happy moments you had.

I am filled with guilt knowing that I am doing so badly at my life, a life which you didn't have a chance to have. How could I even consider taking my own life when you fought so hard to have yours and it was taken away? I am sorry, I am really trying, really trying to keep my head above water but without you here it' would be so much easier to drown. I am discovering more and more why you had such a dislike for so many people, People are generally selfish, there are not many people who would take me at my worse, in fact I can list them on one hand. 

I can't blame them for this to be honest, I mean who could love something so broken but with you I always felt so strong, I had a reason to be so strong, I would stay by your side, hold your hand and take on any pain or heartbreak for you. Now you're gone I'm this pathetic mess of a being, unable to cope with my own thoughts. I had a clear purpose before and now I don't even know what I'm doing.

It physically hurts in my heart just thinking about you, hearing your names, seeing your face. I'd give anything just for another hour or even a minute with you. I wish I could tell you how proud I was to have you as a sister. I wish I could tell you how I've always loved you, even when we fought.

What I wish for more than anything is-

I wish you weren't dead because I don't know if I can do this without you.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Amy