"...I'm not fine"

Sitting in a doctors office is something everyone has experienced, the polite gesture for you to take a seat followed by the "How can I help you today?".

For me it's slightly different, I feel like whenever I go to see my doctor, she gives me that sympathetic smile and very softly asks "How are you?" like I'm a baby bird with a broken wing.

All it takes is a look into my tired eyes to know exactly how I am however I fake a smile and without thinking mutter "I'm fine it's just..."

Then I self reflect on the words that just escaped my mouth, why on earth did I say that and then pulling my eyes away from the floor I say 

"...I'm not fine"

It's very hard to admit how you really feel, even to a doctor someone who needs to know exactly how you are because it is so much easier to lie and avoid those questions.

Those god damn questions which are always asked but are impossible to answer.

I don't know what is worse, being asked "what's wrong" when nothing is right or having someone not ask you at all.

I hate feeling like this.

This feeling of overwhelming sadness but I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so empty but there hasn't been a trigger, nothing particularly bad has happened.

It feels like missing someone you've never met.

Needing someone who doesn't need you.

Loneliness engulfs you, takes over every inch of you but you don't even care.

Sadness becomes your best and only friend, isolating you from everyone.

Desperate to be left alone as you hate who you've become but also wishing for someone to come along and take the pain away.

Someone to just tell you that everything will be fine.

I hate feeling like that.

The feeling where you don't know what you're feeling.

Depression is stealing my education.

Stealing all of my friends

My motivation.

My dreams.

My future

My life

Me,