Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, it's not that I've forgotten about you- I think about you every day. It's just right now I feel like I need you more than ever, I feel so alone and I know it's because you're not here. You were the only one I knew like that back of my hand, it was like you spoke a language which only I understood, I could just look at your face and be able to tell how you were feeling. 

Of course part of that is due to you being so expressive which is another thing I terribly miss. If something upset you or angered you everyone knew about it, with you I always knew where I stood, other people are so fake and it's tiring having to constantly read between the lines. You would never have anyone in your life who wasn't worth it, I used to think that was quite cruel but now I admire it, you had so much control over a life which was completely unfair and wasn't willing to let other people ruin the few happy moments you had.

I am filled with guilt knowing that I am doing so badly at my life, a life which you didn't have a chance to have. How could I even consider taking my own life when you fought so hard to have yours and it was taken away? I am sorry, I am really trying, really trying to keep my head above water but without you here it' would be so much easier to drown. I am discovering more and more why you had such a dislike for so many people, People are generally selfish, there are not many people who would take me at my worse, in fact I can list them on one hand. 

I can't blame them for this to be honest, I mean who could love something so broken but with you I always felt so strong, I had a reason to be so strong, I would stay by your side, hold your hand and take on any pain or heartbreak for you. Now you're gone I'm this pathetic mess of a being, unable to cope with my own thoughts. I had a clear purpose before and now I don't even know what I'm doing.

It physically hurts in my heart just thinking about you, hearing your names, seeing your face. I'd give anything just for another hour or even a minute with you. I wish I could tell you how proud I was to have you as a sister. I wish I could tell you how I've always loved you, even when we fought.

What I wish for more than anything is-

I wish you weren't dead because I don't know if I can do this without you.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Amy