Memorial day

There I am stood in this white walled room. 

Surrounded by other families.

All pleasantly talking to each other, exchanging smiles and drinking tea.

What thing do we all have in common?

All these families. Lost a Child.

My eyes begin to water and I try to down my coffee as if it would stop the tears. 

Embarrassed by my puffy red eyes I turn my back to everyone, acting like I'm reading a notice on the wall.

"How to cope with the loss of a child"

well that didn't help

A support worker who worked closely with my family came over to talk to us, asking questions about how we'd been.

Whilst I tried to hide my face and wipe my eyes it was no good, eventually I had to turn around.

That smile on her face soon turned from happy to pity.

I suddenly had so many arms around me.

"This is a safe place" she said

I'm now crying hysterically, my eyes search around the room and see all these other families with the same pity smile.

Why was it so hard?

Why was no one else this much of a mess?

The last time I was in that room, was Charlotte's funeral.

This building was where she died. 

It was where I lived for most of last year.

The staff all knew me, recognised me.

There's still my painting I did with Charlotte hanging up in the hallway. 

The smells, The colours, The heartbreak.

One thing was missing, the one thing that always brought me back to this place.

I used to sit by her bed all day, I'd have my breakfast, lunch and dinner there.

She'd only be awake for a few hours each day but I'd be there.

I'd hold her hand when she was scared, I'd sign to her when she wanted explanations.

I have a clear purpose.

I'd always had that same purpose.

Growing up me and Charlotte were just a year apart and I was the strongest signer in the family.

I never left her side.

I'd translate so she could talk to others, I'd look after her when she was ill and I'd protect her.

I couldn't protect her from this.

I had one purpose in life, one true duty and I failed.

What am I supposed to do now without her?