How to dance in the rain

Please don't be mislead by this title- this is not a dance tutorial.

For the first time in years I feel happy. Truly happy.

Now I realise this may come as quite a shock as I seem to write most of my blog posts when I'm feeling sad- an outlet for my grief however I thought I'd mix it up a bit.

2013 was the worst year of my life- no exaggeration. .

The stress of family separation, the break down of my first long term relationship, followed by the serious illness and death of my sister. Plus to top it all off having to retake a university year not knowing anyone.

That's a lot for the heart to handle. I think it's safe to say I was in pieces, A mess of a person and lost in a world I felt didn't have a place for me.

Trapped in the overwhelming darkness of grief I didn't know how to cope.

But I did. I actually did it. So I thought I'd share with you all my greatest accomplishment, climbing myself out of hell.

Firstly, as you've probably heard from a million people, Time is a great healer but you can't have that on it's own. You need support. You need (as lame as this is going to sound) love.

Sometimes especially if you're grieving through the loss of a family member support is going to be hard to find as everyone else is in pieces too.

You have to be your own saviour.

As hard as it is to hear, you only have yourself.

SO BE SELFISH. Look after yourself. Don't put up with things you don't deserve or people in your life who don't deserve you. 

This includes family. I'm not saying cut out your little brother because he put a spider in your room. I mean sometimes people cause more harm than good and whilst blood is thicker than water it still needs a heart to pump it round your body. 

You can find family in the friends that are there for you.

Next set up things for future you. Right now you probably feel pretty useless however you in six months time may be ready to face the world sooooo apply for jobs, internships, experience etc book a holiday! or sky diving whatever you feel is best. Trust me future you will be so grateful. 

Find people who love you (They're out there). Not just anyone, don't jump into bed with the first person to give you attention.

Be cautious with your heart, you've been through enough pain you don't want to have anymore hurt. 

Find a good person, who makes you happy, who is brave and would stick by your side in your darkest hour because that's what you need. 

A true friend who loves you for who you are and is so proud to be part of your life.

It took me a while but I've found some amazing friends who have helped me finally feel like myself again (Tori, Emma and Rosie I honestly cannot thank you enough). 

I also fell in love again, something I didn't think I'd be able to do after how much my heart had been beaten. 

It took a long time don't get me wrong, ask him about it- I was an absolute pain he did so much chasing but I finally put my wall down and I have never felt so loved and protected which is what I need.

Once you've been through pain that's what you need, someone who is caring and who treats you right.

It isn't going to be easy in fact it's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever been through but it's not impossible. 

In your darkness it may just be a spark of hope but it's there, don't give up and I promise you things will get better.

7/12/2014- Charlottes Birthday

I wish I could give you my heart for just a minute, so you could feel how I feel. As I can't do that I'm going to try my best to describe it to you.

My sister would have turned twenty today. It's like opening an old wound and rubbing salt into it.

Suddenly you're right back to where you started. I feel just as overwhelmed with sadness as I did the day she died.

It's as if you are numb all over, it hurts to breath, every time you speak your chest knots and you feel a constant flow of tears running down your cheek.

You start to forget what the world looks like through dry eyes and begin wondering how you can still be crying because surely you have no water left.

I want to sleep, I'd give anything to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see every memory I've been pushing down the past year.

That's the thing, I'm struggling to remember the good memories- I can only see the bad. 

It's being trapped in a nightmare because being awake and being a sleep are both full of unbearable pain with no outlet.

I guess this is my outlet.

People ask me how they can help and I appreciate it but I have no answer. 

Right now it feels like nothing can help, nothing can soothe the pain because if I knew I'd be doing it.

They ask me to talk about it but every time I bring myself to speak of the memories that haunt me it feels like I'm choking, suffocating. It's like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

That's why it's so isolating. Even people grieving with me have their own grieve, their own relationship with a deceased. 

I don't know what is right for me, I don't know what I need, I'm only twenty one I have virtually no life experience yet I've lost the person I was closest too in this world.

How am I meant to know what to do? 

How am I supposed to know how to cope?

I know

I know you're sad right now so I'm not going to tell you to have a good day because I know that's just not possible.

I know right now you're searching for answers but can't find any and that you see no justification as to why this has happened to you.

I know that smile on your face is fake and that on the inside you feel like each grain of your heart is breaking away piece by piece. 

I know you want to be honest and tell people how you really feel but you don't want to burden anyone with a problem that doesn't have a solution.

I know you have so much guilt and regret that you've buried deep inside you that you can't bare to speak about-it haunts you.

I know this world doesn't make sense to you anymore.

I know you keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

I know you keep waiting for the day where you wake up and the pain isn't there.

I know you tell people that summer was a blur but you can remember every single minute of every single day you spent at the hospice.

I know you can remember her body shrink to skin and bones.

I know you can remember the sounds of her crying out in pain.

I know you remember the white coffin with the purple flowers.

I know you can remember standing up in front of all those people and saying goodbye one final time.

I know you are suffering.

The fact you are suffering doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you undesirable or unlovable. It doesn't mean you're too much or too sensitive or too needy. 

It makes you human.

Everyone falls apart sometimes and everyone feels overwhelmed by the hand of cards they've been dealt. 

You're going to be irritable, sad and honestly hard to be around but that's ok. No one is easy to be around 100% of the time.

You may be unpleasant and difficult. You may say or do things you don't meant but that isn't all of who you are.

You can be suffering and still be loved.

You can be difficult and still be cared for.

You can be imperfect and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

So I'm not going to tell you to have a good day. I'm just going to tell you to have a day.

Don't ever stop trying to live.