I wish I could give you my heart for just a minute, so you could feel how I feel. As I can't do that I'm going to try my best to describe it to you.
My sister would have turned twenty today. It's like opening an old wound and rubbing salt into it.
Suddenly you're right back to where you started. I feel just as overwhelmed with sadness as I did the day she died.
It's as if you are numb all over, it hurts to breath, every time you speak your chest knots and you feel a constant flow of tears running down your cheek.
You start to forget what the world looks like through dry eyes and begin wondering how you can still be crying because surely you have no water left.
I want to sleep, I'd give anything to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see every memory I've been pushing down the past year.
That's the thing, I'm struggling to remember the good memories- I can only see the bad.
It's being trapped in a nightmare because being awake and being a sleep are both full of unbearable pain with no outlet.
I guess this is my outlet.
People ask me how they can help and I appreciate it but I have no answer.
Right now it feels like nothing can help, nothing can soothe the pain because if I knew I'd be doing it.
They ask me to talk about it but every time I bring myself to speak of the memories that haunt me it feels like I'm choking, suffocating. It's like someone has taken all the air out of the room.
That's why it's so isolating. Even people grieving with me have their own grieve, their own relationship with a deceased.
I don't know what is right for me, I don't know what I need, I'm only twenty one I have virtually no life experience yet I've lost the person I was closest too in this world.
How am I meant to know what to do?
How am I supposed to know how to cope?
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