The girl who doesn't deserve happiness

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind?

Well right now that's how I feel, 

Every time I sleep I have this recurring nightmare, a flash back. 

It wakes me up at exactly 4am each morning, in the past 2 weeks there's only been one night where I haven't had this nightmare and that was when I wasn't alone- Guess I felt safe then.

I'm going to tell you my nightmare but before I do I feel like I should protect the person it concerns.

People change with alcohol, some get sleepy after red wine, some get overly friendly and unfortunately some get violent.

I have forgiven the person in the story, however forgiveness does not heal scars and I still feel haunted by this.

--

I was 11 years old on a family holiday asleep in a caravan.

It was a small caravan with two sofas which we turned into beds one for myself and one for my younger sister Charlotte.

"beep...beep...beep"

I woke up to Charlotte's feeding machine going off. 

(Charlotte was unable to digest food orally so had a gastronomy tube which put food directly into her stomach, a machine was used throughout the night so she could gradually get a days worth of nutrients)

I went outside with my eyes still half closed and quietly woke my Dad up, trying not to disturb my brother who was asleep in the same room.

My Dad mumbled some things under his breathe, pressed some buttons on Charlottes machine and left again.

I went back to bed but a few moments later the machine starts to go off again.

This time my Dads mumbling is louder.

"You're just like your mum you know"

his words are slurred 

"It's easy for you, you don't have to stay inside like she does" 

pointing at Charlotte who is fast asleep and deaf so completely unaware of what is happening.

"You can go out and have fun, you can go and play with the other kids whilst she stays here, you should have to stay here with her, if you were a good sister you would be inside with her"

"But you're not you're a selfish little bitch"

"(My brother) gets to go outside why shouldn't I?"

"Because you are her sister"

"You're just like your mum"

"It's your fault she's like this, it's your fault"

"No it's not, it's noones fault"

His voice grows louder and more aggressive

"Yes it is, it's your fault, you shouldn't be allowed to be happy"

That was the last thing I remember him saying the rest is all muffled shouting.

At 11 years old I curled myself into a ball,

Put my hands over my ears,

Closed my eyes

and started counting.

I don't know why, a coping mechanism I guess.

I continued counting whilst the tears ran down my face.

I continued counting when he came close to check I was ok.

I continued counting when he tried to hug me.

I continued counting when he left the room.

I counted until I fell asleep.

It's strange whilst now obviously as a grown adult I understand what he said wasn't true.

I understand alcohol makes people do and say things they don't mean.

However as a child, I believed everything he said.

After that I was very quiet, barely spoke to anyone especially my family,

I truly believed I shouldn't be happy and felt bad everytime I smiled.

I once confronted my Dad about the incident,

He denied the whole thing.

Called me a Liar.

I still forgave him but I can't forget.

I'm trying my hardest too but every time I wake up I feel like I'm that 11 year old girl.

The girl who doesn't deserve happiness. 

I'm ok

Nothing has changed since we last spoke, my life is still a mess. However I am more content with its messiness.

Let me explain.

I was depressed, a mental illness which is so common but so few speak about creating this cycle of loneliness. My aim is to break that cycle.

I don’t mean to shove my feelings down your throat, although I’m sure to some of you it feels that way, I’m just being honest.

And honestly I can say that today… I feel ok.

Don’t get me wrong I still get sad, there are moments when I lay there awake at night with that sinking feeling in my chest, but I don’t feel suffocated by it anymore.

I feel like I can wake up in the morning.

I feel like I’m not alone.

I was haunted by loneliness. As pathetic as that sounds. 

Whilst I do have a family they aren’t very good at being a family, they’re good people they just make it clear they don’t want me.

I know I know you’re sitting there thinking “Of course they want you, They love you”

And yes they do love me, but they don’t want me in their house.

A month after I went to university my mum moved all my belongings in the attic and changed my room into a guest room.

There were no photos of me in the house (there are a few now but that’s mainly through me guilt tripping them, it worked but still doesn’t make me feel wanted)

This is the kind of thing that needs to be addressed in another blog post but just take my word for it, they don’t want me to live with them- simple.

Which is fine I had 3 whole years of university to come to terms with that.

Staying in a university town when all the students have gone home is depressing.

That in itself is enough to make someone feel down.

My best friends were miles away some in foreign countries.

I’m living with strangers.

I felt like I had no one around me who cared.

I post my blog posts for me, if they help other people then that’s a bonus but to be completely honest I never expected anyone to read them.

I’ve had such kind messages from strangers and distant friends who read my posts. Some who are also going through similar things and it is so nice to feel that you aren’t alone.

I discovered I had friends I didn’t know I had.

People who care.

I didn’t think anyone did.

The people who I work with (my only real time leaving my room) have really helped my recovery and I want to say thank you. You probably didn’t even mean to do anything, or realise you had but you helped so much. (Little shout out to Kerri who is reading this because she loves me/ stalks me, you’ve been a massive help)

Man this blog post is turning lame.

I apologise.

What I’m trying to put across is things do get better and whilst you feel like you’re alone you really aren’t.

Just keep going, there is a light at the end I promise.

Hope is the only thing keeping me alive and that's ok.

I can't see the surface anymore

I have experienced a major depressive episode;

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder;

I have been through heart break;

I have watched my sister die;

I have stood up and spoke at her funeral;

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship;

and a few weeks ago I was a victim of a serious sexual assault.

It is not that the last hit was harder than the rest, more that the combination of blows is too much to handle.

I think that's understandable,

It's like being underwater, you can see the surface but every time you start to get close something pulls you deeper underwater.

I can't see the surface any more,

I now have a choice, I can stay in this darkness or I can fight my way back into the light.





I choose the latter.