I'm ok

Nothing has changed since we last spoke, my life is still a mess. However I am more content with its messiness.

Let me explain.

I was depressed, a mental illness which is so common but so few speak about creating this cycle of loneliness. My aim is to break that cycle.

I don’t mean to shove my feelings down your throat, although I’m sure to some of you it feels that way, I’m just being honest.

And honestly I can say that today… I feel ok.

Don’t get me wrong I still get sad, there are moments when I lay there awake at night with that sinking feeling in my chest, but I don’t feel suffocated by it anymore.

I feel like I can wake up in the morning.

I feel like I’m not alone.

I was haunted by loneliness. As pathetic as that sounds. 

Whilst I do have a family they aren’t very good at being a family, they’re good people they just make it clear they don’t want me.

I know I know you’re sitting there thinking “Of course they want you, They love you”

And yes they do love me, but they don’t want me in their house.

A month after I went to university my mum moved all my belongings in the attic and changed my room into a guest room.

There were no photos of me in the house (there are a few now but that’s mainly through me guilt tripping them, it worked but still doesn’t make me feel wanted)

This is the kind of thing that needs to be addressed in another blog post but just take my word for it, they don’t want me to live with them- simple.

Which is fine I had 3 whole years of university to come to terms with that.

Staying in a university town when all the students have gone home is depressing.

That in itself is enough to make someone feel down.

My best friends were miles away some in foreign countries.

I’m living with strangers.

I felt like I had no one around me who cared.

I post my blog posts for me, if they help other people then that’s a bonus but to be completely honest I never expected anyone to read them.

I’ve had such kind messages from strangers and distant friends who read my posts. Some who are also going through similar things and it is so nice to feel that you aren’t alone.

I discovered I had friends I didn’t know I had.

People who care.

I didn’t think anyone did.

The people who I work with (my only real time leaving my room) have really helped my recovery and I want to say thank you. You probably didn’t even mean to do anything, or realise you had but you helped so much. (Little shout out to Kerri who is reading this because she loves me/ stalks me, you’ve been a massive help)

Man this blog post is turning lame.

I apologise.

What I’m trying to put across is things do get better and whilst you feel like you’re alone you really aren’t.

Just keep going, there is a light at the end I promise.

Hope is the only thing keeping me alive and that's ok.