The girl who doesn't deserve happiness

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind?

Well right now that's how I feel, 

Every time I sleep I have this recurring nightmare, a flash back. 

It wakes me up at exactly 4am each morning, in the past 2 weeks there's only been one night where I haven't had this nightmare and that was when I wasn't alone- Guess I felt safe then.

I'm going to tell you my nightmare but before I do I feel like I should protect the person it concerns.

People change with alcohol, some get sleepy after red wine, some get overly friendly and unfortunately some get violent.

I have forgiven the person in the story, however forgiveness does not heal scars and I still feel haunted by this.

--

I was 11 years old on a family holiday asleep in a caravan.

It was a small caravan with two sofas which we turned into beds one for myself and one for my younger sister Charlotte.

"beep...beep...beep"

I woke up to Charlotte's feeding machine going off. 

(Charlotte was unable to digest food orally so had a gastronomy tube which put food directly into her stomach, a machine was used throughout the night so she could gradually get a days worth of nutrients)

I went outside with my eyes still half closed and quietly woke my Dad up, trying not to disturb my brother who was asleep in the same room.

My Dad mumbled some things under his breathe, pressed some buttons on Charlottes machine and left again.

I went back to bed but a few moments later the machine starts to go off again.

This time my Dads mumbling is louder.

"You're just like your mum you know"

his words are slurred 

"It's easy for you, you don't have to stay inside like she does" 

pointing at Charlotte who is fast asleep and deaf so completely unaware of what is happening.

"You can go out and have fun, you can go and play with the other kids whilst she stays here, you should have to stay here with her, if you were a good sister you would be inside with her"

"But you're not you're a selfish little bitch"

"(My brother) gets to go outside why shouldn't I?"

"Because you are her sister"

"You're just like your mum"

"It's your fault she's like this, it's your fault"

"No it's not, it's noones fault"

His voice grows louder and more aggressive

"Yes it is, it's your fault, you shouldn't be allowed to be happy"

That was the last thing I remember him saying the rest is all muffled shouting.

At 11 years old I curled myself into a ball,

Put my hands over my ears,

Closed my eyes

and started counting.

I don't know why, a coping mechanism I guess.

I continued counting whilst the tears ran down my face.

I continued counting when he came close to check I was ok.

I continued counting when he tried to hug me.

I continued counting when he left the room.

I counted until I fell asleep.

It's strange whilst now obviously as a grown adult I understand what he said wasn't true.

I understand alcohol makes people do and say things they don't mean.

However as a child, I believed everything he said.

After that I was very quiet, barely spoke to anyone especially my family,

I truly believed I shouldn't be happy and felt bad everytime I smiled.

I once confronted my Dad about the incident,

He denied the whole thing.

Called me a Liar.

I still forgave him but I can't forget.

I'm trying my hardest too but every time I wake up I feel like I'm that 11 year old girl.

The girl who doesn't deserve happiness.