"...I'm not fine"

Sitting in a doctors office is something everyone has experienced, the polite gesture for you to take a seat followed by the "How can I help you today?".

For me it's slightly different, I feel like whenever I go to see my doctor, she gives me that sympathetic smile and very softly asks "How are you?" like I'm a baby bird with a broken wing.

All it takes is a look into my tired eyes to know exactly how I am however I fake a smile and without thinking mutter "I'm fine it's just..."

Then I self reflect on the words that just escaped my mouth, why on earth did I say that and then pulling my eyes away from the floor I say 

"...I'm not fine"

It's very hard to admit how you really feel, even to a doctor someone who needs to know exactly how you are because it is so much easier to lie and avoid those questions.

Those god damn questions which are always asked but are impossible to answer.

I don't know what is worse, being asked "what's wrong" when nothing is right or having someone not ask you at all.

I hate feeling like this.

This feeling of overwhelming sadness but I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so empty but there hasn't been a trigger, nothing particularly bad has happened.

It feels like missing someone you've never met.

Needing someone who doesn't need you.

Loneliness engulfs you, takes over every inch of you but you don't even care.

Sadness becomes your best and only friend, isolating you from everyone.

Desperate to be left alone as you hate who you've become but also wishing for someone to come along and take the pain away.

Someone to just tell you that everything will be fine.

I hate feeling like that.

The feeling where you don't know what you're feeling.

Depression is stealing my education.

Stealing all of my friends

My motivation.

My dreams.

My future

My life

Me,

Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, it's not that I've forgotten about you- I think about you every day. It's just right now I feel like I need you more than ever, I feel so alone and I know it's because you're not here. You were the only one I knew like that back of my hand, it was like you spoke a language which only I understood, I could just look at your face and be able to tell how you were feeling. 

Of course part of that is due to you being so expressive which is another thing I terribly miss. If something upset you or angered you everyone knew about it, with you I always knew where I stood, other people are so fake and it's tiring having to constantly read between the lines. You would never have anyone in your life who wasn't worth it, I used to think that was quite cruel but now I admire it, you had so much control over a life which was completely unfair and wasn't willing to let other people ruin the few happy moments you had.

I am filled with guilt knowing that I am doing so badly at my life, a life which you didn't have a chance to have. How could I even consider taking my own life when you fought so hard to have yours and it was taken away? I am sorry, I am really trying, really trying to keep my head above water but without you here it' would be so much easier to drown. I am discovering more and more why you had such a dislike for so many people, People are generally selfish, there are not many people who would take me at my worse, in fact I can list them on one hand. 

I can't blame them for this to be honest, I mean who could love something so broken but with you I always felt so strong, I had a reason to be so strong, I would stay by your side, hold your hand and take on any pain or heartbreak for you. Now you're gone I'm this pathetic mess of a being, unable to cope with my own thoughts. I had a clear purpose before and now I don't even know what I'm doing.

It physically hurts in my heart just thinking about you, hearing your names, seeing your face. I'd give anything just for another hour or even a minute with you. I wish I could tell you how proud I was to have you as a sister. I wish I could tell you how I've always loved you, even when we fought.

What I wish for more than anything is-

I wish you weren't dead because I don't know if I can do this without you.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Amy

I am tired.

"I am tired.

This isn't the kind of tired where sleep can fix it, I'm exhausted from life.

I'm sick and tired of trying to hide the mess that I am.

Tired of being surrounded by people who don't care.

Tired of being surrounded by fake people.

Everyone is so desperate to be perfect and hide their imperfections, they don't see that it is their blemishes that make them attractive because that is what makes them human.

I'd much rather fall in love with a human than photograph.

We are taught so many things in school, years and years in education yet we never learn how to love ourselves and how important it is.

We are taught to hide our feelings, told that mental illness is a taboo that you must keep to yourself which inevitably makes it worse.

You feel like you're the only one who feels sad because everyone else is wearing a fake smile, who is that fake smile helping?

I feel like I am completely on my own here, all I want is for someone else to be honest, that is all I ask and I don't understand why that is so unrealistic and why this hurts so much"

"You are a terribly real thing, in a terribly false world and that is why you're in so much pain"