1 year on... (Part 1)

I'm finding things pretty tough at the moment and to be honest so is the rest of my family.

There's nothing going wrong, nothing has happened, in fact life is as it should be.

However I cannot hide this overwhelming feeling of fear and sadness.

There is no current reason but someone once told me:

The body remembers.

It's a strange concept but like how anniversaries work, a year after a traumatic or memorable experience the body remembers and you start to feel exactly like you did then.

It is scary and strange.

I don't whether this is a good or bad thing but this time last year I didn't know some of the best friends I have now. They know my sister died but they don't know the whole story.

I guess this is my way of helping people understand or helping people currently going through a rough time to feel like they are not alone.

This time last year I was sitting in a hospital room, UCH in London. Enjoying the view of regents park from the window as we had just moved out of intensive care which is a room with four white walls, no windows, no t.v just a bed with an ill little girl.

That little girl was my little sister, Charlotte. She was this little ball of fierce energy. A force to be reckoned with. If she didn't like you, boy did you know it, the amount of times we'd get "get well soon" cards from people she didn't like and have to rip them up and throw them in the bin. That was just who she was.

She didn't care for people who made her unhappy, people who let her down basically people who didn't deserve to be part of her life. I always thought she was just rude but now I think of it I actually admire her for it.

Our family would take it in turns to travel up to London to be with her. We had been lucky enough to have a room next to the hospital so we could stay over night and stay for a few days at a time. I'd sit with her, colour in, do her nails, watch chick flicks and of course her favourite thing- talk about boys.

She was a typical teenage girl at heart but sadly her body just wasn't strong enough anymore.

She was having internal bleeding and part of her stomach had died. We were told she had at most 2 weeks to live.

The thing is, Charlotte lived on hope. She was such a fighter we didn't want to take that away from her. We decided as a family it was best not to tell her but moved her to Demelza house a hospice for children where she had been before for respite.

Charlotte loved it there. Especially after spending 6 months stuck in a hospital bed. 

She was obsessed with food which was strange as she couldn't really eat. She was fed via a gastronomy which is a tube that puts nutrition straight into her stomach as she couldn't digest enough orally. 

Some people has suggested her love of cooking and tasting could be to make up for this, as she couldn't eat but still wanted to be part of it. 

She'd stay up to the early hours of the morning watching cooking videos on youtube in the teenage room and cutting flowers into apples. I always found it weird how she could spend so long doing the same thing but she loved it so I never questioned it. I'd just sit by her side trying to study taken a break every 5 minutes so she could sign to me.

My parents had asked if I could try get her into a better sleeping routine whilst I was there as when they'd go visit her she'd be asleep but then wide awake in the evenings when they'd left. It had reached 11 o'clock so I signed for her it was time for bed. She reluctantly shut down the computer and made her way back to the room. 

I could see she was tired she was basically falling asleep in her wheelchair. I told her it was time to go to bed and she got so moody (which wasn't unusual) told me to go away. I explained it was important she was awake tomorrow for when she had visitors.  She went off in a rant, signing so quick that I could make out would she was saying and avoiding eye contact with me. 

I finally got her into the bed but she was sitting up with her arms crossed, still avoiding eye contact. Frowning and shaking her head. I then caught her eye and saw that they were watering.

"What's wrong"

"I don't want to go to sleep, I'm scared"

Tears began to fall down her face.

"Why?"

"I know I'm dying, I'm scared to go to sleep"

All this time we were trying to protect her from her inevitable fate but she knew all along. Completely shocked by this response and trying to hold back my own tears, I replied.

"Don't be scared, I'll stay right here and hold your hand as you sleep"

She nodded, laid down, closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep. 

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This is all I can write now. This is going to be a lot longer that originally planned.

I think the thing I learned from this particular experience is whilst you may feel you're not brave. When the time comes and someone needs you, you'll find you're stronger than you think.

Serious blog love

xxx

That's it, I'm becoming a stripper...

You know that horrible moment when you realise you just can't revise anymore so you start to think of all the things you would have to do if you fail.

"Screw this, I'll just become a stripper" but then you come to the sad realization that you can't dance and are about as sexy as a wooden spoon.

It's a big problem.

So anyway, here is a penguin to help motivate you to study...

You are welcome

Pointless blog love

xxx

Why it's ok to be sad.

Life can be cruel sometimes. It's the sad but honest truth.

However sometimes you can find yourself feeling sad without any real reason.

Depression.

There's a huge amount of stigma attached to this but there something which is much more harmful than stigma- Ignorance.

I understand that unless you've experienced depression yourself it can be frustrating and you find yourself saying...

"Why are you sad?"

"Snap out of it"

Don't say it.

Sometimes there isn't a reason and when you tell someone you are feeling down they seem to automatically think it's something they've done. It's not. You can keep asking me why but I honestly don't know. When someone tells you they feel sad. Accept it. Don't ask questions. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry you feel that way and I understand there may be little I can do to help but I am here if you need me." It's that simple. 

No awkward silence. No quickly changing the subject. No demanding why they are sad.

I can't stop being sad. This isn't a choice. Whilst there are things you can do to "be kind to yourself" that may not make it go away. You have to ride out the storm. 

Telling someone with depression to snap out of it is like telling them to stop their heart beating

 It's out of their control. 

You are not expected to be there counsellor and you're not expected to say the right thing. Sometimes you just have to be there and show them that they aren't alone.

Loneliness is part of depression. You feel so lost and you don't know why. You don't know when it's going to stop, if it's going to stop and you feel there's no one you can honestly turn to.

We are brought up in a society where when someone asks "How are you?" your response is always "I'm fine" followed by a fake smile. 

Why?

If someone I loved was suicidal I'd want them to tell me. Sadly we live in a world where suicides occur and no one even knew they were struggling. Noone even knew they were sad. Then they are faced by this guilt of "Why didn't I know". 

People don't die from suicide. They die from sadness.

Have courage and stop wearing the brave face. Tell someone how you truly feel.

Blog love

xxx

Hoga Life- Part 2

Hoga was amazing. Truly incredible. However there are few things about life on hoga...

Beautiful pictures... but you look like a troll

The background is stunning however you haven't really washed in 2 weeks, no make up, messy hair... It sorta ruins it. 

You actually WILL miss your family.

It's weird you go through weeks and months at uni without seeing them.. but theres something about being so far away. You miss them... it's a strange feeling.

For dinner? Rice.. and fish... Everyday

You've had 3 dives today and you are EXHAUSTED. Hungry doesn't even cut it, they bring out dinner annnnnd it's the same thing you've had for the past 2 weeks... The hoga diet ;)

Pfft who needs showers?! Have a jug and tub of water instead...

Nothing like that afternoon mandy after your last dive <3. Basically it's impossible to feel clean, infact you won't feel clean for 3 weeks till you get that amazing shower in the hotel. It's ok though because everyone else is also filthy. It's ALL part of the experience.

It's beautiful during the day and your worst nightmare when it's dark.

During the day the sun is shining, the sky is blue and the only real animals are the odd lizard and cute little cats. However when it's dark everything is scary. You will spend every night waking up to a rustling and thinking "Is that outside or in the hut...". Also do not try walking back to your hut without a torch.. You will fall down a coral hole and not be found till morning.

Wetsuits are your new enemy.

Remember when you were packing and how excited you were to dive. You invested in this awesome wetsuit that was perfect. Well now you hate it. After spending 15 minutes trying to get it on everytime you want to dive.. it gets a bit annoying. You're worn out before you've even started diving by all the pulling and wiggling to get it on. You wish you'd just bought board shorts... I'm sure a lion fish sting would be less painful.

Expect hilarious tan/sunburn lines.

The sun is strong. You will tan without realising. So if you decide to pull your top up... or wear a watch... or wear a wetsuit/rashvest... you will get burnt. The lines will be so obvious people from other boats will point and laugh... because it is hilarious.

Blog love

How I revise...

OH HEY

That's right it's that beloved season of energy drinks and crying highlighter tears.

IT'S REVISION TIME.

Ok I realise right now it seems like the world hates you and you hate yourself for choosing a degree that was so god damn hard buuuuuuuuut it'll be over soon... even though it seems like forever away.

This is how I revise.

1. I shower, get dressed, do my make up, my hair, tidy my room.... hah just kidding I never tidy my room

The first thing I do is do everything apart from revision. It's just a delaying tactic and one I don't advise you copy but I'm sure you all do it!

2. I go somewhere other than my room.

My room is where I sleep and watch tv. It is therefore not the best place to revise as I get distracted SO EASILY. If I go to the library or even a coffee shop it FORCES me to revise as I can't be bothered to go all the way back home and theres nothing else to do but revise.

3. I look at lectures and learning objectives AT THE SAME TIME. I'm basically the queen of multi-tasking... So lectures are always full of stuff you don't need to know (Sorry Dave) or at least things you're not going to be tested on. You'll get through them a lot quicker once you know what you're looking for.

4. REVISION CARDS

REVISION CARDS EVERYWHERE. I currently have a billion but that's how I revise. Teachers and lecturers to tell you it's not about just memorizing... but it kinda is. On your cards have just a few key words and you have to recite the whole theory from them. It works. For me anyway.

5. Treat yourself

Revision sucks and it's boring but it's the perfect excuse to eat so much bad food. Start the session with your favourite chocolate bar or coffee or whatever. IT HELPS. a teeny tiny bit but it still helps.

I actually made this when I should be revising *sigh*

Blog love from a fellow student

I vow...

Life hurts. There's no denying that. I'm currently at a point in my life where there is a lot of pain and so many things out of my control that I think I don't deserve.

Whilst I could stay angry at the world. Throw some things. Drown myself in alcohol and self pity.

That's just not me (and it's not a Wednesday).

Instead I'm going to write a list of things I will always strive to be or do etc no matter how bad life gets and no matter how much it seems unfair. 

This is what I vow.

1. To always pick myself up

2. To always be brave (Even if I feel terrified inside)

3. To always be there for my family when they need me.

4.  To forgive (with the appropriate amount of time given... I mean it's ok to be angry or upset for a bit)

5. To always laugh when I do something like fall over or drop something etc (There's no point crying over spilt milk...)

6. To always do the right thing.

7.  To follow my gut instinct.

8. To laugh (A LOT)

9. To remember I have amazing friends. (Cheesey, cringey... but I love you guys... Awww group hug) 

10. To never settle for less than what I deserve.

11. To try my best.

12. To wear a smile and hold my head up high.

13. To wear my heart on my sleeve.

14. To take a step back now and then to appreciate what I have.

15. To smile.

That may the lamest post I've ever made. I don't care it helped.

The point is when things are tough it's easy to lose who you are, this was my way of not doing that and maybe it'll help someone...

Blog love

xxx

Things about life on Hoga

I've spent the past 3 weeks in Indonesia and it was AMAZING.

Seriously awesome you should all go. However there are a few things I found out whilst out there about life on the island... so here goes.


Part 1. 

The wild life is... interesting

Ok now we were all briefed on all the fish that are all weird and wonderful however there's a few unwanted residents at Hoga.

Rats... They chewed through my bag and ate my biscuits... Let's just take a moment to truly understand the how upsetting that was.

Praying Mantis- Now these are pretty cool but they are also pretty viscous and sneaky. They just appear out of the blue and scare the life out of you.

Sea Kraits- Again pretty cool but the fact that if you bitten by one you have 6 hours to live takes the coolness out of it. You spend all of your time firstly following it (especially in the water) because they look so awesome and secondly running away from it as it starts moving towards you and you realise you're probably going to die...

Spiders.
Now I've never been too scared of spiders, they never really bothered me. They understood the concept of personal space unlike other insects. However spiders of Hoga are a whole new playing field as they are HUGE, HUUUUUUUUUUUGE. None of these cute little money spiders oh no these could hold your family hostage. Not gonna miss them...

Lizards
The little gekos I can be friends with, they just eat the bugs and get on with their business however these HUGE MONITOR LIZARDS have given me the fright of my life every morning of Hoga. This is partly my own fault so let me explain. I'll be walking to breakfast, on my phone or just in Amy land lost in the incredibly surroundings to then realise I am one step away from stepping on a lizard. These a big fellas aswell normally 1-2m long and not the sorta thing you wanna fight. They quickly run (more like waddle) away but still not the most ideal way of being woken up in the morning.

Mosquitos. 
Awww good old mozzies. Now I'm sure you all had the talk about malaria and how these are the most deadliest animals nananana Whilst I wouldn't call them the deadliest... I would call them the most annoying. These are an example of an insect with no concept of personal space. There you are chilling on the cabana minding your own business when you hear this buzzing in your ear. They're like ninjas because I never see them! I just look down to see I'm a tropical version of Mr Blobby covered in all these bites.

To be continued...

Blog love