Why they haven't texted you back...

It's easy to go crazy about things like this, after a date or a one night stand or a crush. 

I realise now I've said the word "crush" this sounds like a lame teen mag article but I swear it's not... Ok it is a little bit but bare with me on this one.

1. They're just busy.

Some people actually don't spend their whole life's starring at their phone... Oh what a magically rare way to live. They could have jobs or plans or do what I do and read the text, mentally reply in my mind and completely forget about it. OR EVEN WORSE- type out the text but forget to press send. I do this all the time and don't realise till I think to myself "Wow they're taking ages to reply..." to then see I never sent it in the first place.

This blog post is turning into "Ways Amy fails" but we'll continue anyway...

2. Bad at replying.

We all know that one guy. THAT GUY. The one that is just so bad at replying, hasn't talked to their parents in over a week so gets the odd phone call to check they're still alive. These are also the kind of people who wander off on a night out, like they're purposely doing it to give you a heart attack. You actually phone their housemates as they are more likely to answer.

3. Maybe you're being crazy.

ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MINUTES. Calm down. Sometimes, especially when you're bored it's easy to go a bit crazy, this does not mean you should spam their voice mail, facebook, twitter, text, email with messages saying "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME", Keep that crazy to yourself. Go annoy someone else who has to love you like a best friend or family member, they know you're crazy so it's fiiiiine.

4. They just don't like you.

It's harsh... It's super harsh... but I'm going to be cruel to be kind here. If it has been a good few days/week and they don't have a good excuse, chances are they just don't want to talk to you. It's ok! You're great! (I'm just saying this to be nice, I obviously don't actually know you but I'm sure you're just lovely). Don't waste your time on people who don't have time for you. You deserve better. 

Blog love

xxx

Demelza

A plaque hung on the front door, white with painted tulips, a sign that only those who had previously been to the hospice would understand- a child had died.

Looking over onto the conservatory I could see the heartbroken family, thinking less than 2 years ago I was sat there.

It's strange going back to a place which was basically my home for three months but now the reason to be there is gone.

The staff hadn't changed and smiled as I walked in, but it was that sympathetic smile I try to avoid because it brings me to tears.

I knew it was going to be hard, I'd have a heart of stone if I felt nothing, but I guess I thought I would be stronger by now which I was until I walked into the building.

Funny how a place can have that kind of effect on you. 

I wasn't alone, when I looked to my side my mother was crying her eyes out, I knew there was nothing I could really say to make it better so I just took her hand and gave her that same sympathetic smile.

We sat at a table with a vase of purple and white tulips and a box labelled "Charlotte". It had been 18 months since she passed but only now did we both feel able to open a box of her things. Although now I sat there, I didn't feel ready at all.

The box was full of pictures, Charlotte before she was sick, with hair down to her shoulders, a chubby face and mischievous smile. 

I'd always wondered if I'd done the right thing, not seeing her body after she passed away, but as I looked through the photos I knew I'd made the right choice.

This is how I wanted to remember her.

For the first time since she died, I was happy remembering her for the amazing person she was rather than sad she wasn't here any more.

That's a new kind of strength I didn't know I had.

Blog love

xxx 

All the things wrong with "Dick pics"

I don't understand how this became a thing.

Not that a necessarily dislike penis' I just don't fancy seeing it in photo format.

Doesn't really do anything for me.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

but I'm pretty sure it's not.

So I am going to explain what I feel is wrong with dick pics.

1. Timing.

Now I totally understand if you are "sexting" or talking about penis' why it would then be appropriate to send a photo. However this rarely happens. Normally it is just a nuisance, like one of those pop up ads you get on your computer. 
Followed by a "Hey ;)". 
THE WINKEY FACE DOESNT MAKE IT OK. 
I'm just there minding my own business when BAM dick pic. To be honest it either makes me laugh or feel uncomfortable and I don't think that's the response you were hoping for.

2. Angles

I get over the shock of having a penis appear on my phone screen but now instead of going "Ohhh yeah" like think, I'm actually tilting my head and trying to work out how the hell you took the photo. Either you are misusing the selfie stick you got for Christmas or you're doing some weird yoga move. I am both impressed and concerned. Is it like taking a selfie where you take lots and choose the best one? Do guys have folders on their phones full of dick pics? THESE ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS.

3. WHY???

Why have you taken a photo like that. It's not flattering, That is not good lighting, that is not a good angle, It's a no from me. Most of the time it makes it look smaller than it actually is... surely that's not the idea.

4. What did you think the outcome would be?!
Did you honestly think I would look at the photo and think "Dayum, give me some of that" because if you wanted a reaction like that, then you should have just shown this photo...

Moral of the story is... I just want pizza not dick pics.

Blog love!

xxx

Coping with Life

Life is hard.

It is so hard to constantly fight against something that is forever tearing you down.

When something bad happens and you feel sad, angry, betrayed etc take a moment to acknowledge how you feel.

I realise that sounds strange, but it is so common to try block it out, to "keep busy" or turn to alcohol, drugs to try numb that feeling.

Believe me I understand why, but that doesn't make the feeling go away all it does is delay it.

It'll be back the next morning when you wake up.

So just sit down in a quiet room and actually acknowledge how you feel.

No judgement,

Don't get angry at yourself or put yourself down.

It's easy to say "You should be happy" and try snap about of it but it's not that simple.

You feel this way for a reason.

You are allowed to feel this way.

Take some deep breathes and as strange as it sounds embrace that feeling.

Don't make it worse, don't try make it better, just in the moment feel how you are feeling.

Cry if you need too.

Scream if you need too.

You have the right to do this and by creating this safe place you can express it.

Take as much or as little time as you need.

It is not fair what has happened to you but by having this moment once or twice a day will stop you bottling it up and allow you continue in your day.

This is something I discovered when Charlotte died and it really helped, and I've been using it ever since when life knocks you down so you feel strong enough to pick yourself back up.

I hope it helps someone else.

The stages of a Dissertation breakdown

This is it, the moment you've been working towards... the BIG piece of coursework to really show what you can do... Make it or Break it... no pressure...

Chances are you're wishing you've chosen an easier, more interesting subject this regret is coupled with the fear of... getting a 2:2 or even worse... A THIRD.

I'm going to walk you through the stages of this difficult time.

1. I've still got loads of time.

You've calculated that if you keep to this schedule and 100 words a week (Which will be super easy) you'll still have 4 weeks to read it over and edit it! Everything's fine, why does everyone say dissertation is stressful all you need to do is plan it properly... Honestly...

2. Wait... It's MARCH

NOBODY PANIC, It's just March, I mean I swear it was just Christmas... but now suddenly it's MARCH. Oh well atleast you kept to your schedule... Oh wait, nope you watched every episode of Friends instead... stupid Netflix costing me my degree.

3. IS THIS EVEN A WORD?!

You've written a word so many times it doesn't look right anymore... How do I spell my name? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?! Calm down it's going to be OK. It's only worth a third of your degree... A THIRD. Let's think of a back up plan, I could probably work as a stripped, join the circus, maybe I'll become that person at Uni who never leaves... Man I wish I was a cat.

4. Wine is my friend.

You spend all your time in the lab or the library. Hardly seeing daylight and when you get home you drink to get the thoughts about statistics out of your head... It's like you're going through a break up.. with SPSS and R. Don't worry time is a great healer... as is Wine and significant results. 

5. Hermit

You haven't seen anyone in days, in  fact you haven't spoken in days, apart from that brief meeting with your Dissertation supervisor which was mainly you nodding to things you don't understand. You start to forget what the people on your course look like and when you finally do see someone you know... you run and hide because you haven't showered and are wearing sweat-pants.

6. Eating your feelings

You need motivation to keep working.. A LOT of motivation- chocolate, crisps, sweets, energy drinks. Cake makes it better, Cake makes EVERYTHING better... Maybe if you bake your supervisor a cake they'll give you a good grade...Hmmm...

7. Don't care

You just don't care anymore. You haven't slept in days, you've haven't cooked a proper meal in weeks and you've written all the words. It's done. It's taken all you have and that's it. Hand in your work and instead of going out drinking you're going to go home and sleep.

IT'LL BE FINE. Keep going, you got this!

My Mental Health Disorder

The issue with mental health is it is misunderstood by many people.

There is a lot of judgement and ignorance that cause those diagnosed with a mental illness  choose to keep quiet through this fear of being treated differently.

It's lonely. Isolating.

More people are being diagnosed but less people are talking about it.

I am one of those people; well was. I'm going to try change that.

I was inspired by someone's bravery, they were so honest about something so difficult, it's hard enough dealing with a diagnosis it's a whole other thing to then tell people.

Don't worry I'm not going to push my illness in peoples faces 

I just want to show that I'm not ashamed any more and to explain what the illness is and how it affects the suffers.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder II disorder.

Bipolar is word that many people have heard and I'm sure you've used it in a sentence light-heartedly without a true understanding of the disorder.

It's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes emotions to be experienced to a higher degree that a person without this disorder would have.

Symptoms

In other words when you are not under any treatment you can experience these extreme moods described as Mania, Hypermania and Major Depression.

Let's start with Mania, this can be described as a perk of the disorder because have these amazing creative ideas, so much energy you can complete tasks quickly, you're really nice to be around, really friendly and out-going. 

The downsides are: you have difficultly sleeping as your thoughts and ideas just race around your head. You also lose touch of reality it's hard to prioritise because your mind is constantly jumping from one idea to the next and over spending to fulfil all these ideas.

When you are in Mania it's like someone has pressed the fast forward button, your mind works at a faster speed than normal. 

Hypermania- This is not as nice. Your mind is still going fast but it makes you anxious. A mix of paranoia, irritability and anxiety. You snap at people, don't feel like yourself and are very self-conscious. There's no real perks and you're not a nice person to be around. It's very isolating.

Major Depression- Depression is a illness many people have experienced at some point in their life, as I've already explained Bi-polar disorder causes emotions to be more intense which is why it's described as Major. I'm not belittling normal depression because if you have been diagnosed with depression it could be classed as major. Major depression is an intense feeling of sadness usually going hand and hand with suicidal thoughts. One in Five patients of Bi polar disorder commit suicide.

That's the disorder in a nutshell of course it different for each individual.

Diagnosis

When it came to getting my diagnosis I didn't think I have bipolar disorder in-fact I didn't know what what wrong with me- I just knew something was wrong.

I tried going to the GP but unfortunately I was told time was a great healer and send me on my way.

As the suicidal thoughts got worse I went to the mental health centre myself and booked my own appointment, by-passing needing a GP referral as I couldn't wait any longer, I needed help and answers.

Living with it

I have to take regular medication which when you first start taking them they have awful side affects but after a few weeks you don't notice them. It takes a while to find your optimal dosage and cocktail of medication but once you've found it, you are in control of your emotions.

The only times it becomes an issue is when you're faced with triggers. Everyone's triggers are different but they're usually things like stress, bereavement and heartbreak. That is when even when on medication you can see those symptoms start to appear again but if you know your own body and know your own emotions and triggers they can be controlled. 

The bottom line is I'm glad I have bi polar, If I didn't I wouldn't be so creative, driven, clever or understanding of other peoples emotions.

Great people in history had Bipolar Disorder:

Edgar Allan Poe,

Vincent van Gogh

Frank Sinatra

Florence Nightingale

Kurt Cobain

Winston Churchill

I guess it's a blessing in disguise and it's made me who I am.

I'm not ashamed anymore.

If anyone has any questions relating to this or want some guidance with your own mental health issues please don't hesitate to contact me.

Blog love

xxx

Reasons you're alone this Valentines...

1. "Relationships are just too much hassle"

You just can't be bothered. Dating is too long and too expensive and you'd much rather spend that money on Dominoes whilst you sit in bed watching Netflix alone.

2.  "I'm just waiting round for the right person"

In other words all the people who are interested are either crazy or creepy and as desperate as you are to find your other half you haven't quite reached that stage yet... OR you're already madly in love with someone but don't have the courage to tell them so instead you will sit alone and wonder what they're doing this Valentines... "I wonder what Ryan Gosling is doing right now...."

3. "I'm still trying to figure out who I am."

You're super boring and need to find something interesting about yourself for some good conversation topics- The last date you went on was full of awkward silence... and the sex after was even worse.

4. "I'm not good at commitment"

You have the emotional availability of a ham sandwich

5. "I just got out of a long term relationship"

That kinda screwed you over so it's going to take a good year before you can trust another human being enough to give them a rose... Don't worry this is a safe place.

6. "Valentines isn't really my thing"

You just want sex. No strings attached no feelings no "I love you lets get married" NO you just want sex. Unfortunately you're so god damn awesome "Fuck buddys" fall in love with you and make it awkward- It's hard being that sexy.

7. "Noone loves me"

An honest answer.  Firstly someone does love you it's just not in a "Have a rose, let me cook you a candlelit dinner and then we can stare into each others eyes" kind of love. It's more of a friendly, family love- That's still love though so don't feel disheartened. As cliché as it sounds they're out there somewhere and it'll be worth the wait.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

Blog love