I thought I wanted to fall in love

I thought I wanted to fall in love,

I don't think that's true anymore,

It's like when you go diving, as you go deeper in the water you have to equalize but you can't force it, if you force it you can permanently damage your ears and not be able to dive again.

I tried to force falling in love and now I don't know if I can do it again.

Pathetic right? 

I was recently a victim of a sexual assault, 

Ever since then things have changed, I've changed to be more exact.

The words I used to dream of hearing were "You're beautiful" and "I love you"

Now the words I need to hear are "I will never hurt you"

and by that I mean physically hurt me, I shouldn't have to hear those words, I should be able to trust in the goodness of humanity that I am safe but that trust has been broken,

So now I don't want someone to hold me at night, in fact I don't want anyone to touch me.

I don't want someone to hold my hand.

I don't want someone to buy me flowers.

I don't want gifts or fancy dates.

All I want, all I need, is to not feel broken anymore.

Something so simple yet so hard to achieve.

Someone can't fix me; I have to be my own saviour in this story.

I think I almost got raped

I had an experience last night which unfortunately is common but it shouldn't be.

Still in shock over the situation it was only when I got home and messaged my best friend did it suddenly becomes real.

"I think I almost got raped"

Still looking down at the bruises on my legs and arms it all seems surreal, like it was just a bad dream.

I was sober.

I was wearing jeans and a t=shirt.

I was on a date.

The worst date of my life.

One I'll try but won't forget.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone round his house.

He was still basically a stranger.

But he didn't feel like a stranger to me.

I'd met him before and we'd become good friends, at least I thought we were.

We sat on the sofa in the lounge, the curtains still open looking onto a busy street.

The TV was on and we just sat there talking.

Then out of the blue he kissed me. My first kiss in a while.

It wasn't romantic. It was forceful.

Next thing I knew I was being dragged to the floor.

Held down.

I tried to push him away but he ignored me.

I told him to stop.

"Ah babe don't be like that"

That was his response as he then carried on.

I finally managed to get away when he couldn't undo my jeans and hold me down at the same time.

When I got home I cried. I cried my pathetic little heart out.

I just felt so abused. So broken.

I still do.

I don't know the real point of this blog.

I could tell you learn from my lesson.

But this wasn't my fault.

And what's worse is even if I wanted to press charges there would be no point. 

Many rape cases with evidence don't go to court so an almost rape case is hardly going to get much support.

It's a sick world we live in where some people think it is acceptable to do this.

And then have no idea or don't even care about the consequences.

He'll probably tell his friends I'm a "frigid bitch"

I'll tell my friends the truth

he tried to rape me.

Why they haven't texted you back...

It's easy to go crazy about things like this, after a date or a one night stand or a crush. 

I realise now I've said the word "crush" this sounds like a lame teen mag article but I swear it's not... Ok it is a little bit but bare with me on this one.

1. They're just busy.

Some people actually don't spend their whole life's starring at their phone... Oh what a magically rare way to live. They could have jobs or plans or do what I do and read the text, mentally reply in my mind and completely forget about it. OR EVEN WORSE- type out the text but forget to press send. I do this all the time and don't realise till I think to myself "Wow they're taking ages to reply..." to then see I never sent it in the first place.

This blog post is turning into "Ways Amy fails" but we'll continue anyway...

2. Bad at replying.

We all know that one guy. THAT GUY. The one that is just so bad at replying, hasn't talked to their parents in over a week so gets the odd phone call to check they're still alive. These are also the kind of people who wander off on a night out, like they're purposely doing it to give you a heart attack. You actually phone their housemates as they are more likely to answer.

3. Maybe you're being crazy.

ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MINUTES. Calm down. Sometimes, especially when you're bored it's easy to go a bit crazy, this does not mean you should spam their voice mail, facebook, twitter, text, email with messages saying "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME", Keep that crazy to yourself. Go annoy someone else who has to love you like a best friend or family member, they know you're crazy so it's fiiiiine.

4. They just don't like you.

It's harsh... It's super harsh... but I'm going to be cruel to be kind here. If it has been a good few days/week and they don't have a good excuse, chances are they just don't want to talk to you. It's ok! You're great! (I'm just saying this to be nice, I obviously don't actually know you but I'm sure you're just lovely). Don't waste your time on people who don't have time for you. You deserve better. 

Blog love

xxx

Demelza

A plaque hung on the front door, white with painted tulips, a sign that only those who had previously been to the hospice would understand- a child had died.

Looking over onto the conservatory I could see the heartbroken family, thinking less than 2 years ago I was sat there.

It's strange going back to a place which was basically my home for three months but now the reason to be there is gone.

The staff hadn't changed and smiled as I walked in, but it was that sympathetic smile I try to avoid because it brings me to tears.

I knew it was going to be hard, I'd have a heart of stone if I felt nothing, but I guess I thought I would be stronger by now which I was until I walked into the building.

Funny how a place can have that kind of effect on you. 

I wasn't alone, when I looked to my side my mother was crying her eyes out, I knew there was nothing I could really say to make it better so I just took her hand and gave her that same sympathetic smile.

We sat at a table with a vase of purple and white tulips and a box labelled "Charlotte". It had been 18 months since she passed but only now did we both feel able to open a box of her things. Although now I sat there, I didn't feel ready at all.

The box was full of pictures, Charlotte before she was sick, with hair down to her shoulders, a chubby face and mischievous smile. 

I'd always wondered if I'd done the right thing, not seeing her body after she passed away, but as I looked through the photos I knew I'd made the right choice.

This is how I wanted to remember her.

For the first time since she died, I was happy remembering her for the amazing person she was rather than sad she wasn't here any more.

That's a new kind of strength I didn't know I had.

Blog love

xxx 

All the things wrong with "Dick pics"

I don't understand how this became a thing.

Not that a necessarily dislike penis' I just don't fancy seeing it in photo format.

Doesn't really do anything for me.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

but I'm pretty sure it's not.

So I am going to explain what I feel is wrong with dick pics.

1. Timing.

Now I totally understand if you are "sexting" or talking about penis' why it would then be appropriate to send a photo. However this rarely happens. Normally it is just a nuisance, like one of those pop up ads you get on your computer. 
Followed by a "Hey ;)". 
THE WINKEY FACE DOESNT MAKE IT OK. 
I'm just there minding my own business when BAM dick pic. To be honest it either makes me laugh or feel uncomfortable and I don't think that's the response you were hoping for.

2. Angles

I get over the shock of having a penis appear on my phone screen but now instead of going "Ohhh yeah" like think, I'm actually tilting my head and trying to work out how the hell you took the photo. Either you are misusing the selfie stick you got for Christmas or you're doing some weird yoga move. I am both impressed and concerned. Is it like taking a selfie where you take lots and choose the best one? Do guys have folders on their phones full of dick pics? THESE ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS.

3. WHY???

Why have you taken a photo like that. It's not flattering, That is not good lighting, that is not a good angle, It's a no from me. Most of the time it makes it look smaller than it actually is... surely that's not the idea.

4. What did you think the outcome would be?!
Did you honestly think I would look at the photo and think "Dayum, give me some of that" because if you wanted a reaction like that, then you should have just shown this photo...

Moral of the story is... I just want pizza not dick pics.

Blog love!

xxx

Coping with Life

Life is hard.

It is so hard to constantly fight against something that is forever tearing you down.

When something bad happens and you feel sad, angry, betrayed etc take a moment to acknowledge how you feel.

I realise that sounds strange, but it is so common to try block it out, to "keep busy" or turn to alcohol, drugs to try numb that feeling.

Believe me I understand why, but that doesn't make the feeling go away all it does is delay it.

It'll be back the next morning when you wake up.

So just sit down in a quiet room and actually acknowledge how you feel.

No judgement,

Don't get angry at yourself or put yourself down.

It's easy to say "You should be happy" and try snap about of it but it's not that simple.

You feel this way for a reason.

You are allowed to feel this way.

Take some deep breathes and as strange as it sounds embrace that feeling.

Don't make it worse, don't try make it better, just in the moment feel how you are feeling.

Cry if you need too.

Scream if you need too.

You have the right to do this and by creating this safe place you can express it.

Take as much or as little time as you need.

It is not fair what has happened to you but by having this moment once or twice a day will stop you bottling it up and allow you continue in your day.

This is something I discovered when Charlotte died and it really helped, and I've been using it ever since when life knocks you down so you feel strong enough to pick yourself back up.

I hope it helps someone else.

The stages of a Dissertation breakdown

This is it, the moment you've been working towards... the BIG piece of coursework to really show what you can do... Make it or Break it... no pressure...

Chances are you're wishing you've chosen an easier, more interesting subject this regret is coupled with the fear of... getting a 2:2 or even worse... A THIRD.

I'm going to walk you through the stages of this difficult time.

1. I've still got loads of time.

You've calculated that if you keep to this schedule and 100 words a week (Which will be super easy) you'll still have 4 weeks to read it over and edit it! Everything's fine, why does everyone say dissertation is stressful all you need to do is plan it properly... Honestly...

2. Wait... It's MARCH

NOBODY PANIC, It's just March, I mean I swear it was just Christmas... but now suddenly it's MARCH. Oh well atleast you kept to your schedule... Oh wait, nope you watched every episode of Friends instead... stupid Netflix costing me my degree.

3. IS THIS EVEN A WORD?!

You've written a word so many times it doesn't look right anymore... How do I spell my name? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?! Calm down it's going to be OK. It's only worth a third of your degree... A THIRD. Let's think of a back up plan, I could probably work as a stripped, join the circus, maybe I'll become that person at Uni who never leaves... Man I wish I was a cat.

4. Wine is my friend.

You spend all your time in the lab or the library. Hardly seeing daylight and when you get home you drink to get the thoughts about statistics out of your head... It's like you're going through a break up.. with SPSS and R. Don't worry time is a great healer... as is Wine and significant results. 

5. Hermit

You haven't seen anyone in days, in  fact you haven't spoken in days, apart from that brief meeting with your Dissertation supervisor which was mainly you nodding to things you don't understand. You start to forget what the people on your course look like and when you finally do see someone you know... you run and hide because you haven't showered and are wearing sweat-pants.

6. Eating your feelings

You need motivation to keep working.. A LOT of motivation- chocolate, crisps, sweets, energy drinks. Cake makes it better, Cake makes EVERYTHING better... Maybe if you bake your supervisor a cake they'll give you a good grade...Hmmm...

7. Don't care

You just don't care anymore. You haven't slept in days, you've haven't cooked a proper meal in weeks and you've written all the words. It's done. It's taken all you have and that's it. Hand in your work and instead of going out drinking you're going to go home and sleep.

IT'LL BE FINE. Keep going, you got this!