October last year I sadly lost my little sister which was incredibly traumatic but there were a few things I didn't realise about grief until it really happened. So if you've lost someone I'm sure you can relate to these but also if you haven't but you will at some point this may help.
Firstly the world doesn't stop. This is probably going to sound very strange but when you get that news that someone has died everything just stops. You turn numb it's a very strange feeling. It's hard to then look around and see people going about their daily lives like nothings wrong when you are left with a huge part of you missing. It does pass but it is normal to feel disconnected from the world and from reality. It's like all normal problems like deadlines, break ups etc are just nothing in comparison which is true, it just makes everything else seem trivial.
There is a lot of talk of the 5 stages of grief and it's important to understand that theres no order, you don't have to feel them all and it is really unique to each person. This is why whilst I'm telling you my experience yours may be different. I instantly felt angry. Not at anything in particular, not at anyone, I was just angry at world because it wasn't fair. It isn't fair. Nothing is fair about losing someone you love and their is absolutely nothing you can do about it, you just have to take it. This made me very isolated as I needed to be alone because everything made me so angry and I was afraid I'd lash out at my family. I don't know whether this was the right thing to do but I followed my gut instinct. I'm not angry anymore. It did take a good three months to stop being angry but you just work through it, you take time out if you need too, you distant yourself from those people who would upset you and gradually that raging fire you have inside burns out.
Crying is normal. Don't try be the strong one who holds it in and puts on a brave face because that doesn't work. It catches up with you, and all those 5 minute tears you put off turns into a full blown breakdown. It's ok to feel sad because it is sad. For a while almost everything will make you think of them and trigger that sinking feeling. You're not just grieving the loss of a person but your grieving the loss of a future with them. Your wedding, birthdays, Christmas's etc every time one of them come along or something reminds you of them, you will remember someone is missing. Someone should be there. Even writing this now I feel that sinking feeling in my heart and my eyes are beginning to water because it is the sad truth. The same as the fire the crying fades, at the beggining it could be anything, someone would say "hello" and you'd burst into tears. That's ok. Gradually as time goes on you stop crying as much, I don't know if it's because you get used to the hurt or what but it does stop. Eventually.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything gets better- because it doesn't. There is no magic wand or pill to make this go away. It will always be there. They say times great healer but in truth with a huge loss the wounds don't heal, they're still there. There hasn't been a day since she died that I haven't woken up with an ache in my heart. The pain doesn't go away, it doesn't change- you do. It doesn't paralyze you like before. It doesn't bring you do your knees. It's still there but you can carry on despite that feeling. You'll be suprised at what you can do even with the constant ache. Sometimes when you're alone and your guard is down you'll still cry your eyes out and feel that exact same world stopping feeling but they get rarer as time goes on.
As I just said before you do change. I don't know whether it's for the better but it is completely out of your control. You are definately stronger. Much stronger. It takes a long time to realise this because for the first few weeks, months even. You'll feel the most fragile you've even been. Once you get past that. Once you've put yourself back together again, that's when you really see what your capable of. I guess that's the silver lining in this dark grey cloud. For the first time in my life, I really know who I am. I am so proud of myself, of everything I did and went through.
What I'm trying to put across is, grief is a horrible thing. There's no getting around it. Everyone at some point will have to experience it but I believe it's pain like this that moulds you into the person you're meant to be.
Serious blog love
xxx
