I felt proud to just be alive

"Sit down Amy, you look dreadful"

I always admired his honesty, many people tip toe around me and the fake compliments have grown tiresome.

I did look dreadful.

I hadn't slept in days, the only reason I was able to keep my eyes open was by drinking a cocktail of prescription medication and coffee.

"Tell me what's been going on since we last met"

This is the man who was there when I found out Charlotte died, he sat with me for a few hours until a family friend collected me to take me home.

He had dealt with thousands of students and patients, over 20 years working in mental health and well being and my case was one of the worst "Top five" he always said and definitely the most involved.

I hadn't seen him in over year, so there was a lot to explain and I knew there was no point hiding the truth.

He was a strange character, a rocker, motor bike rider and looked like a human sized Hagrid from Harry Potter, a great big beard, long hair and kind eyes.

I began to explain as best I could the current situation-

"I feel like whenever I leave the house I'm struck by lightening,

I am forever in the wrong place at the wrong time,

Facing painful consequences for other peoples actions which are not my fault,

Or dreadful things that are noones fault but yet I still must carry the burden as "That's life",

Well if that is life then I'm not sure I want to live it,"

You see most people at this point would freak out or tell me I'm being ridiculous but not him.

"Continue Amy, I know you're not done"

I couldn't help but smile, it was nice for once to have someone not change the subject or tell me "I just need to think positively", for someone to realise that this small rant was just a drop in the bucket.

"Firstly Charlotte died from a horrendous illness which ripped my family apart,

My parents proved they were too stubborn to be civil putting me into something worse than the hell I was already in,

The first man, man may be a strong word for now I know he was nothing more than a cowardly boy. broke my heart when Charlotte was dieing, I lost the two people I loved most in the world in the space of a few weeks,

I had to restart university with no friends, noone to talk too,

I fell in love with a man in my vulnerable state who abused and controlled me,

Taking photos to prove I was where I said I was,

Verbally abusing me to the point where I felt I would always be broken,

Threatening to kill himself if I left him trapping me and torturing me with his words,

I finally managed to leave him but still frequently receive abusive messages,

Then I was a victim of a serious sexual assault by someone I trusted,

I went to the police, I did everything they said, they gave me false hope and he is now free.

After hearing the news of him being released without charge I travelled home and as I set foot on the platform a man jumped infront of a train before my very eyes, I can still hear the sound of him hitting the train and the screams in my nightmare.

I had quite rightly given up on men until a reader of my blog gave me the support and affection I needed more than air but suddenly days after saying how much he liked me and would never hurt me because I had been hurt enough told me he had met the love of his life and whilst I was great she was better. Tearing down the little confidence I had left.

Then this weekend I went out for my birthday to bar and as I stood to order a drink I look to my right there was the man who attacked me,

I haven't been able to tell people what really happened, I just refer to it as an incident because I am ashamed something so small affected me so much,

All he did was grab me by the wrist and I just froze, paralyzed by my own pathetic fear then when I finally caught my breath I ran away like a coward.

That brings me to today"

I let out a deep sigh then looked up at him wiping tears from under his glasses, I realised as I had been speaking I was looking at the floor and hadn't actually monitored his reaction my only concern was to get it all out as quickly as possible as each word felt like a dagger in my heart.

"Amy, You trust me and you've known me many years.

How would you have reacted if I grabbed you by the wrist, right now, How would you feel?"

"Uncomfortable"

"Exactly, anyone to grab you like that is unacceptable but for the man who attacked you to do 

it? 

Terrifying, 

take away all the others things that happened to you, that alone is justifiable for you to feel this way,

On top of that you lost your sister which wasn't that long ago, you're still grieving for that,

Plus all these added heartache and stress,

Amy, Is it really a surprise you're suicidal?

I mean who wouldn't be,

I dare anyone to be in your position and be coping half as well as you are right now,

Of course you're struggling, It's amazing that you're here right now.

You're a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for so stop beating yourself up,

You're doing outstandingly well and the fact that you can sit there and list all these things you've 

survived proves to me that you can get through this too."

This whole time I have been feeling that I was a disappointment or not good enough but right then in that moment 

I felt proud to just be alive.