Maybe life isn't for everyone

I have never been a lover of rain but as I walked the dark streets to work I felt relived to feel the cold water fall on my face.

It gave me the perfect disguise for my tears.

I am not an advocate for lying but I am a strong believer in pushing my problems on other people.

Everyone has their own demons and whilst it is important to ask for help there is a time and a place.

The bar where I work was not that place.

Luckily humans by nature are selfish and awkward so would therefore not pry of even ask if anything was wrong.

I was hoping that would work in my favour but as I walked behind the bar I saw a face that was destined to break me.

Here was someone who knew everything and more importantly knew me yet explaining to him what was wrong was an impossible task.

The incident that occurred yesterday is merely a drop in the bucket, the straw that broke that camels back because the reason for my tears were that of fear.

I am a scientist and my brain works logically in solving problems.

Which is useful for academic work but for emotional delicate situations like this, it is quite dangerous.

The phrase that keeps circling my brain and bringing tears to my eyes because it is a horrible truth.

I have been suicidal before but this is different.

My past interaction with suicidal thoughts were overwhelming emotion and needing to find an exit.

Right now I find myself thinking clearly and logically that:

if I am the architect of my own destruction,

if I attract heartbreak, 

if I am destined to be broken and

if after 23 years of fighting life has still beaten my down and broken me that

Maybe life isn't for everyone and

Maybe this life isn't for me.