Suicide prevention

I feel like I should offer some more explanation to my previous blog post.

It should be clear by now that whilst I am frequently an emotional train wreck I do have a strong awareness of what I feel, why I feel it and how to move forward.

Now I'm not going to lie to you, I'm not magically better, I don't feel worse but I also don't feel any better.

Past Amy however is very good at taking precautions.

Ever since I was around 16 I have not allowed myself to control any drugs that I could over dose on, such as strong pain killers or certain sleeping pills.

If I need them they are given to someone else to hang onto so I do not have direct access to it.

I realise it makes me sound like a kid who can't open the child lock on the tablets but I know what I can get like.

The medication I take for my bi polar isn't kept all together, it's dotted about in different places and I never have more than a few weeks supply.

This prevents any impulsive suicide attempt.

Also working in my favour is that I faint at the site of blood, even the thought of blood or broken bones makes me feel sick this rules out any physical harm I could do to myself.

I used to burn myself, that didn't create any blood and was also very easy to explain if anyone asked "I caught my arm on the over" or "Burnt my hand straightening my hair".

I keep my straighteners out of my room downstairs so that if I was to want to harm myself I'd have to get out my dark room and walk downstairs and normally by this point there is a) Someone else in the house who will see me preventing me from doing it or b) By the time I've walked downstairs and got myself out of my room I've had second thoughts.

Suicide does take planning.

There are dark parts on the internet which encourage or give suggestions for suicide.

These are all blocked on my computer and phone, the blocker I use is protected by a password that I don't know so I can't take it down.

If I do type something to do with suicide it takes me to a helpline page.

I also have letters I've written to myself to explain why I need to live.

I'm fortunate to have a family who cares greatly for me and a few friends who want to help but just don't know what to do (it's ok I understand that).

My honesty about how I feel scares people and I don't mean to do that but surely that is better than me hiding.

I just wanted to reassure people that whilst they may not be able to save me, 

I can save myself.