"You know whatever happens Amy this isn't your fault"

Amy, I'm sorry to contact you, I know I'm the last person you want to hear from but I have noone else and I really need you right now

How did he manage to contact me? I blocked his number, is the first thing that goes through my head,

Followed quickly by the assumption he's going to threaten to kill himself, something he has done in the past to get me back in his life.

I understand I know what I have to do. I'm sorry.

My fear has been confirmed, whilst I know I should ignore him, I know I shouldn't reply, he has done this so many times before and is just a way to manipulate me- to claw me back in,

What if he's serious this time?

What if I could have stopped him? I could never handle that guilt.

This is a man (although that may be the wrong word) who tortured me for almost a year, who made me forget who I truly was, who's poison sunk to my very core making me a shell of the strong person I once was.

Why would I even give him the time of day, let alone help him?

That is a good question.

I guess whilst he broke me in ways I could never be able to describe in mere words, I am not him.

I am not cruel nor evil and whilst I do not encourage his behaviour I could never turn my back on someone who needed help, not even my worst enemy.

What is wrong?

I just can't do it anymore Amy, I've tried to get better, I've tried to stop the paranoia and nastiness that drove you away but I can't. I've pushed everyone away the same way I did you and now I have noone, I am a bad person who shouldn't be alive, so much so I've made plans to end my life.

Don't do anything.

I desperately searched through my phone for his parents number with no luck. He had made me delete them in front of him last time he was abusive as I had tried to contact them for help.

I have to do this Amy, I know what I have to do.

I was in Essex and he was in Kent, I wouldn't be able to reach him in time even if I wanted to, although that was the last thing I wanted to do, I didn't want to see him ever again but I couldn't just let him kill himself.

Where are you?

I'm at a train station.

Now things are serious, if he was going to jump in front of a train I really didn't have a lot of time.

What train station?

Stay there I will meet you.

Don't do anything I will be there just tell me where you are.

Maidstone West. 

I tried ringing 999 but directed me to Essex police which was no use to me they told me to dial 101 and ask for Kent but after being on for 5 minutes I knew that was going to take too long. I did what any grown adult would do... I rang my mum.

"Mum, I need you to do something for me"

"Amy, what's wrong?"

"I can't explain right now, I need you to dial 999 and tell the police ***** is at Maidstone West station and suicidal"

"Amy this isn't your problem anymore he shouldn't be contacting you"

"Please"

"You know whatever happens Amy this isn't your fault, you've done everything you can do"

I feel a lump in my throat as the true seriousness of the situation finally dawned on me. I continued to tell him to wait for me at the station until I got the call saying the police are with him and he's been taken to hospital.

Later on I recieved a call from his Dad explaining he had spent the whole day with him and he seemed fine, he certainly wasn't all on his own.

It was clear this was a stunt to try get me back in his life and although it is infuriating that someone could do something like that, to emotionally black mail you in such a horrible way I still wouldn't have acted any different/

He needed help and now he has it.

I am no in the process of changing my number so this doesn't happen again and as much as I despise him as a human, I have no regrets.

I am everything he isn't and I will never refuse help someone who needs me.

No matter how difficult it may be.

---------------------------

I would also like to take this moment to thank Tori, Matthew and Tom who's support last night allowed me to be strong enough to deal with the situation correctly. You beautiful people.

Heartbreak is in the air

Heartbreak is in the air recently.

A lot of people have asked for advice on a similar topic so I thought I would write it out.

It's also playing in my mind over and over as unfortunately as many of you know a broken heart doesn't heal overnight.

Regardless on how long the relationship was, or even if it was a relationship officially, this person was a big part of your life and you're grieving that loss.

That is normal.

It is not the same as someone dying please for the love of god do not compare it to that because a loved one dying is a whole different level of pain.

This however still hurts like hell.

What is hard is when there wasn't really anything you lost, but you imagined what a future with them would be, you felt safe enough to let them in that part of your mind so you're actually grieving the loss of what could have been.

What you have had.

This is where you start to feel crazy, over thinking, over analysing because why on earth do you miss something that wasn't even truly your in the first place.

To anyone who has recently ended things with someone and then wonders why they seem so hurt- that is why.

They had to erase you the picture of their future and whilst they used to daydream scenarios of what could have been they have to now forget these unlived memories.

They are not necessarily annoyed at you but annoyed at themselves for letting you into that picture.

That is why I always advice people to not plan your future around another person because if they leave it's going to be so much harder.

Plan the future for you- noone else.

Now comes the tough love part.

If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you.

It's that simple, no if's no but's, they will make it happen.

If they are ignoring you- they don't want you.

If they don't want to see you- they don't want you.

None of this "Maybe they don't have time" because if they want you they will make time.

So do not waste yours waiting for a dream that will never come true.

You were happy before them and you can be happy without them, don't let them be the soul reason for your happiness.

The right person will come along in time but it isn't something you can force or rush, it just happens.

I know it hurts and I know how unwanted you feel right now.

Build your confidence back up, find yourself again and let someone fall in love with who you are not who you are with someone.

Be your own person because you are amazing but don't waste your time with someone who can't see that.

Everything will be fine.

Blog love.

Things toddlers and I have in common...

1. If I'm tired I will snap at you, cry or demand love.

2. I want to stroke all dogs I see.

3. I want to stay in my pyjamas all day.

(On a side note, HOW GOOD WAS THIS SHOW, I mean made no sense but still)

4. Yes of course I want whipped cream and marshmallows with my hot chocolate, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

5. I need to nap or I will get grumpy.

6. I will eat a whole pack of sweets, be really hyper for a few minutes and then realise I've made a huge mistake and moan about self inflicted stomach pains.

7. I will cry if you shout at me, 

I will also cry if you don't have pizza...

8. I have room dessert. I have a a main course belly and a dessert belly. It's a thing.

9. I will hide from all my responsibilities in a pillow fort.

Blog love

xxx

Beating heart of happiness

I always thought the beating heart of happiness was love.

The unconditional love of family but also the intense love of a significant other which pumps happiness through to every fibre of our body.

Of course as previously written the unreciprocated love causes this bitter sweet feeling of both happiness and sorrow. 

As their smile not only the reason your heart skips a beat; it is also the cause of the cracks.

Tragically beautiful really.

You see whilst love is beautiful it is also chaotic, playing tricks with your mind causing you to act so irrationally and out of character.

In a sea of people I will always search for his face, regardless of what country I'm in.

The irrational feeling that I couldn't feel fully happy without seeing his eyes.

I've always mocked people on their dependency on other people, couples who can never be apart have always perplexed me, How could you know who you are if you're never apart?

Yet here I was, a pathetic princess awaiting prince charming to break the curse of reality.

That's not me, that has never been me.

What had I become?

Sickened by my own behaviour and wishing there was an "off" switch for feelings because I really didn't have the time or energy to convince the inner Cinderella in rags that there would no be "happily ever after" I stepped onto the frozen lakes.

I had the honour of making the first footsteps in acres of untouched snow, clear blue sky forming the perfect silhouette of the surrounding forest.

That's when I felt it, Something I hadn't felt in what seemed like eternity.

I was unable to control corners of my mouth and began to smile.

"Is this what it's like?"

I thought to myself, still in awe at the beauty that engulfed me.

"This is what it feels like to be happy?"

Unaltered, untainted happiness. 

No fear.

No worries.

Just happiness.

This whole time I was searching for someone or something in order to be happy but the ability was with me all along.

Noone else, it was all me.

I just needed to know where to look for it.