1 year on... (Part 3)

It was getting closer to October. Noone thought we would be in this position.

They had given Charlotte 2 weeks to live in June and there we were 3 weeks later.

You may think that was a good thing because we got to spend more time with her but to be completely honest it was cruel.

We watched her waste away to the point where the bones were sticking out her skin. She didn't even look like her anymore, she was so pale and so fragile.

That wasn't Charlotte.

Charlotte was like chubby little thing, with these big cheeks and always more tanned than me.

I'd spent most of my summer at Demelza house with her. We'd began to rely on each other.

How could I leave now?

How could I leave knowing that I would never see her again?

The truth is I didn't really have a choice. 

I'd already taken a year out of university. If I didn't start now then I never would.

She always knew I was going to university, the difference now was that I wouldn't see her again at Christmas or Easter. This was it.

I wrote her a letter explaining that I loved her and that I would miss her terribly. With the letter I gave her my cuddly toy rabbit one that smelt like me and even at the age of 20 still had on my bed. I wrote in the letter that if she ever missed me or needed me that she should hug this rabbit and it would remind her just how much I love her.

That same rabbit was with her when she died and went in her coffin with her so she will always know just how much I love her.

xxx

1 year on (Part 2)- The funeral

I'm sat in a church with best friend Rosie on one side holding my hand and an empty seat next to me for my older brother.

He along with my Dad and Granddad carry this small white coffin and place it at the front of the church.

Even as I sit there surrounded by all my loved ones, a room filled with red eyes and brave faces. It still doesn't seem real. 

My older brother turns after placing down the coffin and breaks down into tears. It had taken all the strength he had to carry that small coffin because inside was our little sister.

He sits down beside me, I grab his hand and smile. He tries to compose himself but he can't, I mean who could?

You spend your whole life easing into the concept of death, the elderly members of your family pass on and you can get your head around that. They had lived a good life and their time had come.

When your little sister dies.

How can you make sense of that?

I try to stare at the ceiling to try and control the floods of tears but my eyes are constantly drawn to her photo at the front. 

That angel like pose. I mean she was no angel but it was the Charlotte I knew before she got so ill. 

My mother stands up to speak. I'd heard her speech a few times as she'd practiced reading it to me leading up to the funeral, even so I listened intently. It broke my heart hearing her voice choke and the pauses where she'd have to catch her breath.

My mum talked about the moment Charlotte was born, her growing up, her likes and dislikes. It was a basic overview of her whole short life put into beautiful yet heartbreaking words. 

Before I had time to wipe the tears from my eyes it was my turn.

I took a deep breath and made my way up to the stage followed by my childhood friend Nicole who had grew up with our family. 

I lay down the paper I was going to read and looked up to the crowd.

I tried to get the words out but I just couldn't.

It was just so hard.

The reverend held my hand tightly and my childhood friend put her arm around me. I took a quick glance at the photo of my sister on the coffin, held my head up and said these words:

"When you lose a parent

You lose your past

When you lose a spouse

You lose your present

When you lose a child

You lose your future

When you lose a sibling

You lose all three.

A week ago today I lost my little sister, Charlotte and it breaks my heart that I couldn't protect her from all 

the pain and suffering.

I am not going to lie and say we had a perfect relationship because we didn't. We'd annoy eachother 

sometimes even acted like we hated each other but one thing never change. We always loved each other.

I miss her. I miss talking to her about boys. I miss doing her hair for her. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh.

I miss planning the future with her. We'd say that when she'd get married how I'd be maid of honour in a 

long purple dress and how when we both had children we'd go on holiday together every year to turkey or 

Florida.

It is so hard imagining a future now, to have to wake up every morning into a world without my little sister 

but I will.

Already now I feel her strength and courage helping me make it through the day. That is how I know I can 

make it through this because she is always with me. Whenever I need to be brave she gives me the strength 

to do so.

I believe our bond was so strong that even though she is gone she is still with me. I never have to worry 

about being alone or scared because she'll always be by my side.

She was a true inspiration and it was a privilege to be her big sister."

1 year on... (Part 1)

I'm finding things pretty tough at the moment and to be honest so is the rest of my family.

There's nothing going wrong, nothing has happened, in fact life is as it should be.

However I cannot hide this overwhelming feeling of fear and sadness.

There is no current reason but someone once told me:

The body remembers.

It's a strange concept but like how anniversaries work, a year after a traumatic or memorable experience the body remembers and you start to feel exactly like you did then.

It is scary and strange.

I don't whether this is a good or bad thing but this time last year I didn't know some of the best friends I have now. They know my sister died but they don't know the whole story.

I guess this is my way of helping people understand or helping people currently going through a rough time to feel like they are not alone.

This time last year I was sitting in a hospital room, UCH in London. Enjoying the view of regents park from the window as we had just moved out of intensive care which is a room with four white walls, no windows, no t.v just a bed with an ill little girl.

That little girl was my little sister, Charlotte. She was this little ball of fierce energy. A force to be reckoned with. If she didn't like you, boy did you know it, the amount of times we'd get "get well soon" cards from people she didn't like and have to rip them up and throw them in the bin. That was just who she was.

She didn't care for people who made her unhappy, people who let her down basically people who didn't deserve to be part of her life. I always thought she was just rude but now I think of it I actually admire her for it.

Our family would take it in turns to travel up to London to be with her. We had been lucky enough to have a room next to the hospital so we could stay over night and stay for a few days at a time. I'd sit with her, colour in, do her nails, watch chick flicks and of course her favourite thing- talk about boys.

She was a typical teenage girl at heart but sadly her body just wasn't strong enough anymore.

She was having internal bleeding and part of her stomach had died. We were told she had at most 2 weeks to live.

The thing is, Charlotte lived on hope. She was such a fighter we didn't want to take that away from her. We decided as a family it was best not to tell her but moved her to Demelza house a hospice for children where she had been before for respite.

Charlotte loved it there. Especially after spending 6 months stuck in a hospital bed. 

She was obsessed with food which was strange as she couldn't really eat. She was fed via a gastronomy which is a tube that puts nutrition straight into her stomach as she couldn't digest enough orally. 

Some people has suggested her love of cooking and tasting could be to make up for this, as she couldn't eat but still wanted to be part of it. 

She'd stay up to the early hours of the morning watching cooking videos on youtube in the teenage room and cutting flowers into apples. I always found it weird how she could spend so long doing the same thing but she loved it so I never questioned it. I'd just sit by her side trying to study taken a break every 5 minutes so she could sign to me.

My parents had asked if I could try get her into a better sleeping routine whilst I was there as when they'd go visit her she'd be asleep but then wide awake in the evenings when they'd left. It had reached 11 o'clock so I signed for her it was time for bed. She reluctantly shut down the computer and made her way back to the room. 

I could see she was tired she was basically falling asleep in her wheelchair. I told her it was time to go to bed and she got so moody (which wasn't unusual) told me to go away. I explained it was important she was awake tomorrow for when she had visitors.  She went off in a rant, signing so quick that I could make out would she was saying and avoiding eye contact with me. 

I finally got her into the bed but she was sitting up with her arms crossed, still avoiding eye contact. Frowning and shaking her head. I then caught her eye and saw that they were watering.

"What's wrong"

"I don't want to go to sleep, I'm scared"

Tears began to fall down her face.

"Why?"

"I know I'm dying, I'm scared to go to sleep"

All this time we were trying to protect her from her inevitable fate but she knew all along. Completely shocked by this response and trying to hold back my own tears, I replied.

"Don't be scared, I'll stay right here and hold your hand as you sleep"

She nodded, laid down, closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep. 

----------

This is all I can write now. This is going to be a lot longer that originally planned.

I think the thing I learned from this particular experience is whilst you may feel you're not brave. When the time comes and someone needs you, you'll find you're stronger than you think.

Serious blog love

xxx

That's it, I'm becoming a stripper...

You know that horrible moment when you realise you just can't revise anymore so you start to think of all the things you would have to do if you fail.

"Screw this, I'll just become a stripper" but then you come to the sad realization that you can't dance and are about as sexy as a wooden spoon.

It's a big problem.

So anyway, here is a penguin to help motivate you to study...

You are welcome

Pointless blog love

xxx

Why it's ok to be sad.

Life can be cruel sometimes. It's the sad but honest truth.

However sometimes you can find yourself feeling sad without any real reason.

Depression.

There's a huge amount of stigma attached to this but there something which is much more harmful than stigma- Ignorance.

I understand that unless you've experienced depression yourself it can be frustrating and you find yourself saying...

"Why are you sad?"

"Snap out of it"

Don't say it.

Sometimes there isn't a reason and when you tell someone you are feeling down they seem to automatically think it's something they've done. It's not. You can keep asking me why but I honestly don't know. When someone tells you they feel sad. Accept it. Don't ask questions. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry you feel that way and I understand there may be little I can do to help but I am here if you need me." It's that simple. 

No awkward silence. No quickly changing the subject. No demanding why they are sad.

I can't stop being sad. This isn't a choice. Whilst there are things you can do to "be kind to yourself" that may not make it go away. You have to ride out the storm. 

Telling someone with depression to snap out of it is like telling them to stop their heart beating

 It's out of their control. 

You are not expected to be there counsellor and you're not expected to say the right thing. Sometimes you just have to be there and show them that they aren't alone.

Loneliness is part of depression. You feel so lost and you don't know why. You don't know when it's going to stop, if it's going to stop and you feel there's no one you can honestly turn to.

We are brought up in a society where when someone asks "How are you?" your response is always "I'm fine" followed by a fake smile. 

Why?

If someone I loved was suicidal I'd want them to tell me. Sadly we live in a world where suicides occur and no one even knew they were struggling. Noone even knew they were sad. Then they are faced by this guilt of "Why didn't I know". 

People don't die from suicide. They die from sadness.

Have courage and stop wearing the brave face. Tell someone how you truly feel.

Blog love

xxx

Hoga Life- Part 2

Hoga was amazing. Truly incredible. However there are few things about life on hoga...

Beautiful pictures... but you look like a troll

The background is stunning however you haven't really washed in 2 weeks, no make up, messy hair... It sorta ruins it. 

You actually WILL miss your family.

It's weird you go through weeks and months at uni without seeing them.. but theres something about being so far away. You miss them... it's a strange feeling.

For dinner? Rice.. and fish... Everyday

You've had 3 dives today and you are EXHAUSTED. Hungry doesn't even cut it, they bring out dinner annnnnd it's the same thing you've had for the past 2 weeks... The hoga diet ;)

Pfft who needs showers?! Have a jug and tub of water instead...

Nothing like that afternoon mandy after your last dive <3. Basically it's impossible to feel clean, infact you won't feel clean for 3 weeks till you get that amazing shower in the hotel. It's ok though because everyone else is also filthy. It's ALL part of the experience.

It's beautiful during the day and your worst nightmare when it's dark.

During the day the sun is shining, the sky is blue and the only real animals are the odd lizard and cute little cats. However when it's dark everything is scary. You will spend every night waking up to a rustling and thinking "Is that outside or in the hut...". Also do not try walking back to your hut without a torch.. You will fall down a coral hole and not be found till morning.

Wetsuits are your new enemy.

Remember when you were packing and how excited you were to dive. You invested in this awesome wetsuit that was perfect. Well now you hate it. After spending 15 minutes trying to get it on everytime you want to dive.. it gets a bit annoying. You're worn out before you've even started diving by all the pulling and wiggling to get it on. You wish you'd just bought board shorts... I'm sure a lion fish sting would be less painful.

Expect hilarious tan/sunburn lines.

The sun is strong. You will tan without realising. So if you decide to pull your top up... or wear a watch... or wear a wetsuit/rashvest... you will get burnt. The lines will be so obvious people from other boats will point and laugh... because it is hilarious.

Blog love

How I revise...

OH HEY

That's right it's that beloved season of energy drinks and crying highlighter tears.

IT'S REVISION TIME.

Ok I realise right now it seems like the world hates you and you hate yourself for choosing a degree that was so god damn hard buuuuuuuuut it'll be over soon... even though it seems like forever away.

This is how I revise.

1. I shower, get dressed, do my make up, my hair, tidy my room.... hah just kidding I never tidy my room

The first thing I do is do everything apart from revision. It's just a delaying tactic and one I don't advise you copy but I'm sure you all do it!

2. I go somewhere other than my room.

My room is where I sleep and watch tv. It is therefore not the best place to revise as I get distracted SO EASILY. If I go to the library or even a coffee shop it FORCES me to revise as I can't be bothered to go all the way back home and theres nothing else to do but revise.

3. I look at lectures and learning objectives AT THE SAME TIME. I'm basically the queen of multi-tasking... So lectures are always full of stuff you don't need to know (Sorry Dave) or at least things you're not going to be tested on. You'll get through them a lot quicker once you know what you're looking for.

4. REVISION CARDS

REVISION CARDS EVERYWHERE. I currently have a billion but that's how I revise. Teachers and lecturers to tell you it's not about just memorizing... but it kinda is. On your cards have just a few key words and you have to recite the whole theory from them. It works. For me anyway.

5. Treat yourself

Revision sucks and it's boring but it's the perfect excuse to eat so much bad food. Start the session with your favourite chocolate bar or coffee or whatever. IT HELPS. a teeny tiny bit but it still helps.

I actually made this when I should be revising *sigh*

Blog love from a fellow student