Closest I've ever been to suicide.

I'm doing another depressing blog post again.

Shock, horror.

I know I know you're probably fed up with me by now. 

For god sake Amy just be happy.

Unfortunately being Bi-polar disorder sometimes that's not possible.

I need to get this off my chest but it also may be useful for people to know how it feels to have a Major Depressive Episode.

In my blog I have always been honest with you,  told you exactly what is in my heart and head but this is a time where I'm scared too.

This is the closest I've ever been to suicide.

There I've said it.

Now I know there is going to be people who say that is selfish or I have so much to live for etc etc etc

Believe me I know all the party lines.

I can't see what you see.

Whilst I may have all these things to look forward too, there is this big shadow over my heart, all I see and feel is darkness.

I don't mean to come across emo. I'm just being honest.

Imagine all the colour taken out of the world. 

The pain is too much and I can't cope.

I cannot do this.

I am not strong enough to do this. 

I am so tired of crying.

I am so tired of fighting.

Waiting to get better.

A constant sinking feeling in my heart and a hurricane in my head.

Overwhelmed my own thoughts and wanting someone there.

This is where I'm told there are lots of people who like me and who are my friends.

Right now I can't discuss the latest gossip or be the fun person everyone likes.

I have noone I can phone in the middle of the night if I feel suicidal.

I have noone who I can be openly honest with and say how I feel inside without being told to "Get over it" or "Stop being sad"

It's not about understanding or saying the right thing, I know noone has a cure, sometimes all we need is someone to just be there.

I'm partially to blame for this, I've stopped telling people the truth of my emotions (this blog is my only release really) because I don't want to bother them or bring them down.

I don't want to be that depressing girl that noone wants to be around.

I am one unimportant person, noone should take time out of their day to be with me because I feel sad.

I am not that special.

I am not worth that journey.

I realize I have just laid my broken heart on the table and I'm sorry.

Writing this blog is the only thing keeping me alive today and that is the honest truth.

Whilst I feel suicidal I have no plans to end my life, I will ride the storm and I will get through this so please don't worry I am just struggling.

Really struggling.