I am the girl

"Oh no not another blog post"

I know it's getting a bit ridiculous now this blog is turning into my personal diary. I'm sorry but you know this is how I cope with life... so... forgive me ok?

Here's the deal I have never been one of those emotional drunks, I'll have deep conversations sometimes, but normally I am just ridiculous and random.

However this week I have cried (and I mean really really cried like sobbing) twice on nights out, TWICE.

I also got stung by a wasp twice which probably didn't help the situation.

Ok so maybe drinking when your depressed isn't a great idea and maybe if I felt sad I shouldn't have been around people.

But I'm glad I did. There are so many people who I didn't know were amazing, 

I didn't actively ask for help, I was just honest.

Some call it attention seeking others call it brave but I still strongly believe the biggest challenge with mental illness is suffering in silence.

I haven't had all supportive responses.

I've had people I considered a best friend basically ignore/avoid me.

I've had people tell me what I posted was inappropriate and made them feel awkward.

So what?

Just because you can't empathise doesn't mean I should suffer in silence because there are some people who do and can help me.

I'm going to answer a question I'm sure so many of you are asking or have thought to yourself when someone you care about is depressed.

How can I help?

I know you don't have a cure.

I know you can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

I don't expect you to say the right thing or know what to do.

Here is the big secret to supporting someone who is depressed (Drum roll please)

Just be there. 

An arm around the shoulder, a kiss on the forehead, squeeze their hand, even just a smile.

Don't ask them how they are because they may not want/be able to tell you.

Don't ask them why they are sad (Seriously the worst thing, especially when they keep pestering and you just don't have an answer)

Make them laugh.

Make sure they're safe.

Make sure they know you are always there if they need you.

The best thing to say is "I'm so sorry that has happened to you"

Not "I understand how you feel" Not "Get over it"

After coming home last night at 2am I realised something.

I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like crying.

My eyes were dry and I felt like my heart wasn't sinking anymore.

As I walked home from work today, slowly recovering from my hangover, I felt something,

Don't worry I'm not going to claim I saw a ghost or felt god or anything like that.

I remember feeling this way a few weeks after my sister died.

Maybe it's adrenaline.

Maybe it's a sugar high from the ridiculous hot chocolate I drank.

Maybe it's the same strength my sister had that's willing me to go on,

Or maybe just maybe it's me. 

The strong person I was so desperate to be was me all along.

Don't get me wrong I'm still sad, unfortunately doesn't go over night.

The difference I have my fight. my spark back.

I am done with crying.

I am done with staying all bed all day.

I am done with looking in the mirror and hating what I see..

Even if I believe I am ugly on the outside and I can't change that,  that doesn't stop me being a beautiful person on the inside.

I can control that.

I am the girl who will go out of her way to help others.

I am the girl people come to when they need someone to talk too.

I am the girl who smiles and laughs when she feels like crying.

I am the girl who falls in love with people because I see the good in them before they see the good in me.

I am the girl who despite everything still wears her heart on her sleeve, still loves people who don't love her and is nice to people who don't deserve her kindness.

I am the girl who stood up and spoke at her sisters funeral when noone else could.

I am the girl who beat an eating disorder.

I am the girl who stood up to her abusive father to protect her siblings.

I am the girl who had the strength to leave an abusive relationship.

I am the girl who fought back a rapist and reported him to the police.

I am the girl who still went to graduation whilst she still had bruises from her attack.

I am the girl who never felt like she had a family but discovered her own at Essex.

I am the girl who has Bi polar disorder but has never let it hold her back.

I am Amy Cohen, and I am proud of who I am.

p.s. I would like to especially thank Shellie, Leanne and Xian for putting up with my tears and listening to me. I can't thank you enough.