The Bravest Thing

I saw a counsellor yesterday.

I realise that's a strange way to start a blog but thought I'd get straight to the point.

It is hard to sit in front of someone and be completely honest about how you are.

I mean it's easy for me to do it on here, I'm hidden behind my computer screen but if you were to ask me how I was in person I'd almost definitely say "I'm fine".

and if you said "Are you sure, you don't look fine"

I'd reply "I'm just tired"

and that would be the end of that conversation. 

Sitting in a room with someone who knows all your demons, knows how you will refuse help from people because in your mind you don't deserve it.

That's biggest issue.

Countless times in the past few weeks I have had tears streaming down my face, a razor blade in one hand and pills in the other.

A phone full of contacts who want to help me, a notice board full of suicide support and crisis teams.

I have never rung a number because in my heart and head I honestly beleive that I do not deserve it.

There may be other people who need the help more than me or deserve it more than me.

The friends and acquaintances who have all stated they'd be round in a second I don't feel like I am worth waking them up for or disturbing their evening.

I am not worth that.

I am an insignificant person who is not worth anything.

That is my biggest demon right now, How I view myself.

Maybe this is after the attempted rape or maybe it is after a string of abusive relationships leaving my confidence and self worth at an all time low.

When she asked me "How often do you feel this way"

My eyes began to water, I looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath and said "All the time".

"Feeling suicidal all the time must be exhausting" She said looking at me with worry "When you first sat down I had no idea you were evening feeling low"

That's the thing, I have mastered the skill of putting on a brave face. I will smile, laugh and make jokes but as soon as I shut my bedroom door fall to the floor and just sob.

Pathetic as it maybe but calling someone for help when I'm suicidal is the bravest thing I'll ever have to and I still haven't found the courage to do it yet.