We accept the love we think we deserve

Falling in love with someone knowing that they will never feel the same way is terrible.

Falling in love with someone and then realising they aren't the person you thought they were; That's devastating.

It's been a while since I've blogged about my love life- mainly because it's non-existence.

This is 90% by choice, I need to feel safe but I'm also scared of strangers- You can see how I have an issue.

Unfortunately you can't control how you feel, sometimes it doesn't matter how distant you make yourself or how many times you say "I just want to be alone", Your heart does what it wants.

The heart is fucking inconsiderate (Excuse my french)

Fortunately, this man single handedly made me fall in and out of love with him (Impressive right?)

I am now free from that chain, that weight, that burden, whilst love is meant to be this magical thing in reality it's damaging.

Damaging in a sense that your vision is blurred, "rose tinted glasses", despite what the person may do to you, how much they may hurt or be wrong for you, you still want them.

That's dangerous.

As someone who has been abused from a young age, I only know how to be abused or be an abuser, I don't have any concept on what a healthy relationship is or what it is like to be taken care of.

This means that in situations where for others a red flag will show, I don't have that warning because to me it feels normal.

I don't know any different.

I don't know what it is like to be cared for or to be loved.

Which is pretty heartbreaking if you really think about it.

I believe I have broken the cycle where I will never be an abuser.

I know what is wrong and what is right in terms of taking care of other people.

I still haven't figured out how to stop being the abused.

As previously mentioned in a blog post I don't feel I am worth much.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

and I honestly feel like I don't deserve it at all.