My good news

I got some good news this week.

*Drum roll please*

I am currently being treated as first year PhD student rather than Masters; meaning as long as I get funding I will be a Dr in 3 years.

Dr Cohen, sounds pretty cool eh?

Although I can only medically help if you're a fish.

Whilst this is my dream coming true and I've been going on for ages about how I need some good news, now it's here I'm not entirely sure how to process it.

*Oh no not another trip to memory lane, I'm sorry guys but this is how I understand how I am now and by consciously recognising my flaws I can start to alter them*

When I was a child I tried really hard in school. I still wasn't top of the class, I was clever but nothing exceptional.

The reason I was in the second top classes was because I studied hard, from the age of 12 I would spend most of my time doing home work or revising.

My Step-dad recently asked me where I got my drive from as it clearly hasn't been pasted on to my younger brothers/

The truth is, I did it to be noticed. 

I have previously mentioned how I felt invisible and by getting good grades I thought I could actually get some attention from my parents.

When I'd ask my mum for help with homework or even just try tell her about how well I did she'd tell me she didn't have time, having 9 children running round the house it is understandable.

My mum would also sometimes turn quite nasty (this is common with multiple females in the house, instinct to feel threatened). She would belittle my achievements or tell me that she is still smarter than me despite what grade I get.

My farther would initially be so proud but later on fueled with alcohol would yell that I shouldn't have these acheivements, how dare I brag about how well I'm doing when my siblings are disabled.

"It's alright for you" was his favourite line, followed by "You're just like you're mother"

Alcohol changes people and my Dad was not a bad person, he merely made mistakes as all people do, I have no hate towards him I am analysing how past events have influenced how I am today.

Due to these experiences I now have issue being proud of myself and telling people about my achievement.

When I do tell people it will be quick and short, I'll act like it isn't a big deal and quickly change the subject.

Avoiding eye contact and keeping my voice monotone to prevent seeming big headed.

I now need to work on being able to be proud of myself.

I deserve to feel happy this is a big achievement and I worked so hard for it.

I should be able to proudly tell people good news or just about my life.

Unfortunately my learned behaviour is that people don't actually care about my news.

But people do care.

You care.

So I hope you can be happy for me whilst I work on being happy for myself.

Blog love.

xxx