He pulled the trigger

I feel like I can't breathe, I think that is the best way to describe it.

Like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

I love halloween (as many of you have probably already guessed)

I had a beautiful outfit, surrounded by amazing friends yet when I stepped into town my heart was in my stomach.

That sinking feeling.

That fear.

My eyes searching every room to make sure he wasn't there.

Analyzing every face, their height, their expressions, checking their arms for the tattoos.

Then I saw him, from afar, he didn't see me.

My heart and head filled with panic, heart racing, the air got thinner, trying my best to not collapse into a helpless mess on the floor I gathered the courage to say these words to my friends. 

"I'm going home"

Trying to focus on my breathing, to listen to my friend talk but all I kept seeing was the attack.

All I kept feeling were the bruises on my arms.

All I kept hearing were my cries for him to stop.

I felt my whole world shatter all over again after I'd spent so long building it up.

He is the loaded gun for my spiral into depression and anxiety.

He pulled the trigger.