Invisible

For anyone who reads this blog I'm creating a Vlog which will be released every Wednesday from now on :) (I know right, you can't get rid of me!)

I thought of doing a "Draw my life" but as I did it I realised there was part of my life I hadn't addressed in this blog and would seem a bit sudden to bring it up in a video without fully explaining it.

When I was 7 my mum remarried, and my family life was changed. 

My step-dad is amazing and has always been there for me, sometimes more than my biological parents.

When I was 10 my younger brother was born, Matthew.

I loved him to pieces and of course still do, but having a baby in the house changes things.

My full siblings Adam and Charlotte were at boarding school so it was just My mum, my step-dad, my half-brothers and I.

My mum had three little boys so was pregnant or had young children all my teen years which I now understand is why she acted like she didn't like me, it was lack of sleep, stress and hormones.

At 14 years old I was invisible.

I went to school before anyone was awake, ate dinner on my own whilst they all sat in a different room and barely spoken too.

I was shouted at quite a lot for being in the way so spent a lot of my time in my room with my headphones on imagining I had a different life to the one I had.

At school I wasn't bullied or anything but I wasn't popular, I wasn't anything. I was one of those people who faded into the background.

I have people add me on facebook now and message me asking if we even went to the same high school when I used to sit next to them everyday.

There were a few girls (as there always are in all high schools) who used to call me ugly and tell people not to talk to me, even they don't recognise me now. Even though they made my life hell they don't even remember me. I think that hurts more than if they knew what they did and didn't care because they don't even know what they did.

There I was at 14, I didn't fit in at school and I wasn't wanted at home.

My mum used to go on holiday with my step-dad and my younger brothers and leave me behind. I'd stay at random friends, aunties, grandparents and sometimes even my dads even though I had told my mum he was abusive and I didn't want to go. I'd still have to spend weeks at his house.

I was moved into a smaller box room and my large room was given to my younger brother, I'd offered to move into the box room hoping showing kindness would help me fit into the family but I still didn't. 

I was still unwanted- just in a tiny room.

I was the child that was in the way.

My mum had this new perfect family and I was ruining it, a reminder of a past she didn't want and that showed.

It was hard enough being called ugly at school but to go home and be told the same thing by your family is incredibly difficult.

I did what I had to do to cope.

I stopped eating.

I didn't think I was fat or anything like that, it was more a type of self harming.

The less you eat the less you feel, everything goes numb. 

You sleep more because you have no energy.

I think part of it was also to see how long it would take for people to notice.

I had always been slim so it was harder to notice a change in weight.

It all came to light when I was 16 shopping from Prom dresses.

I went with my Nan who had taken all my older cousins to do the same thing.

We walked into this gorgeous dress shop with ball gowns all different colours, The shop assistant looked me up and down and said I looked like a size 6.

I was wearing a baggy jumper as I always did so it was hard to tell my true size.

I tried on a size 6 strapless dress and it fell to my knees.

I tried on a size 4 and the same thing happened.

I remember the look of horror on my Nans face where she saw my ribs poking out my body.

I couldn't hide anymore.

Then came the family "intervention" to try help me but they spoke like I wasn't there.

My Mum and Dad both passing blame claiming it wasn't their fault and I was just a difficult child.

My Mum even took me to the doctors to discuss it, spent the whole time claiming she had done everything right and I was just difficult, the doctor looked at me with sympathy and asked my mum to leave the room.

I'll never forget that sympathetic look in his eye that made tears flood from my eyes.

He said something I will never forget "You can only save yourself from this"

I can't tell you how I got better.

I moved to a new area a new school and the people I met definitely helped.

I had a counsellor at my new school called Juliet who helped me find my voice and stop being invisible.

It meant a lot more arguments at home however as I started to answer back to verbal abuse.

I gradually increased my food intake, little and often although I never fully recovered to the size I was when I was 14. Believe it or not I used to be a size 10, haven't been since.

I am however at a healthy weight and I do eat.

I haven't discussed my issues with eating disorders as I'm still skinny people instantly assume I'm still suffering but I'm not.

I'm not going to lie when things do get increasingly difficult I do fall into old habits but I know the signs, I know my own body and I do seek help.

Everything that has happened and everything that is still happening moulds you into who you are. 

Everytime you fall apart and put yourself back together you are stronger even though you feel more fragile.

Never let what has happened define who you are today, 

because right now,

I am far from invisible.