My good news

I got some good news this week.

*Drum roll please*

I am currently being treated as first year PhD student rather than Masters; meaning as long as I get funding I will be a Dr in 3 years.

Dr Cohen, sounds pretty cool eh?

Although I can only medically help if you're a fish.

Whilst this is my dream coming true and I've been going on for ages about how I need some good news, now it's here I'm not entirely sure how to process it.

*Oh no not another trip to memory lane, I'm sorry guys but this is how I understand how I am now and by consciously recognising my flaws I can start to alter them*

When I was a child I tried really hard in school. I still wasn't top of the class, I was clever but nothing exceptional.

The reason I was in the second top classes was because I studied hard, from the age of 12 I would spend most of my time doing home work or revising.

My Step-dad recently asked me where I got my drive from as it clearly hasn't been pasted on to my younger brothers/

The truth is, I did it to be noticed. 

I have previously mentioned how I felt invisible and by getting good grades I thought I could actually get some attention from my parents.

When I'd ask my mum for help with homework or even just try tell her about how well I did she'd tell me she didn't have time, having 9 children running round the house it is understandable.

My mum would also sometimes turn quite nasty (this is common with multiple females in the house, instinct to feel threatened). She would belittle my achievements or tell me that she is still smarter than me despite what grade I get.

My farther would initially be so proud but later on fueled with alcohol would yell that I shouldn't have these acheivements, how dare I brag about how well I'm doing when my siblings are disabled.

"It's alright for you" was his favourite line, followed by "You're just like you're mother"

Alcohol changes people and my Dad was not a bad person, he merely made mistakes as all people do, I have no hate towards him I am analysing how past events have influenced how I am today.

Due to these experiences I now have issue being proud of myself and telling people about my achievement.

When I do tell people it will be quick and short, I'll act like it isn't a big deal and quickly change the subject.

Avoiding eye contact and keeping my voice monotone to prevent seeming big headed.

I now need to work on being able to be proud of myself.

I deserve to feel happy this is a big achievement and I worked so hard for it.

I should be able to proudly tell people good news or just about my life.

Unfortunately my learned behaviour is that people don't actually care about my news.

But people do care.

You care.

So I hope you can be happy for me whilst I work on being happy for myself.

Blog love.

xxx

The worst customers at a bar

1. "I've been waiting here 20 god damn minutes".. "Ok what do you want?" ... "Erm let me ask my friends"

I hate you. I actually hate you. Whilst I might still serve with a smile it will be given with a side of eye rolling and tutting. Seriously if you've been waiting that long surely you would have decided what you wanted. Stop being a dick.

2. "I can't serve you, you're too drunk" .. "I'm not drunk watch this..*Does some strange thing that in no way proves soberity*"

You're an idiot. Believe me this is for your own good (and mine, I don't fancy getting fired from my job). You'll wake up tomorrow with a killer hangover but in your own bed not in hospital after having your stomach pumped. YOU'RE WELCOME. 

3. "Why won't you serve me this absurd drink I made up in my home town?"

I have been a bartender for 3 years, unfortunately learning all the cocktails ever invented isn't something I've had time for, got other things to do. "I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist" stop trying to make ice and lemon sound fancy, you're in a student bar time to tone down the posh twat vibe.

4. "Let me pay you with 5ps and place it on the wet bar"

Why can't you count it in your hand like a normal human? Now I have to pick up your wet pennies and re-count it because I don't trust your drunk maths skills. Stop that.

5. "What you're closed? I didn't hear you ring the bell"

We've been shut half an hour, we had a bouncer clear everyone out... where the hell did you come from? I'm taking off the beer nozzles whilst my colleague is wiping down the front bar... does it look like we're open? You're at university, use some common sense. No I will not serve you one last drink, No I won't do you a favour. Get out of ma pub.

6. "I've spilt my drink and want you to make me a new one"

That's not how this works. Your drink does not come with an insurance policy, I cannot replace it due to accidental damage no matter how much you tell me it was full and you'd just bought it. You should be really mad at yourself right now.

RANT OVER. 

Luckily I work with awesome people so it's worth it.

Blog love

xxx

You can't take this away from me

I haven't written to you in a while, don't worry it's nothing you did.

I've just been busy but you'll be happy to know that I am feeling like myself again.

Hooray!

When you post something online you are always going to receive negative responses, no matter how good it is.

Whilst I have a flood of positive messages about my blog which I really appreciate and means the world to me, I have recently also been bombarded by negative messages so this post will address them.

My blog may not be what you want to read but I'm not holding a gun to your head. If you don't want to read it- don't read it.

My blog may make you feel uncomfortable but that's not my issue that's yours and the current world we live in. 

Mental illness shouldn't be a secret, it shouldn't be something we hide, people shouldn't suffer in silence.

Surely it is better for me to be honest with the world so that people can help rather than keep it locked up tight where I am destined to get worse by wallowing in my own self pity.

People can't help if they don't know.

A big thing with suicide cases is that people didn't even know they were sad, they feel so much guilt because they had no idea what was going on in their loved ones mind.

I'm giving you the key to my mind, to my heart. You can read my blog and discover exactly what is is like in my head.

I think that's a pretty unique gift.

My blog is not a cry for attention, it is me trying to change how we view mental illness and how those struggling with mental illness should seek help without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

I am not going to stop writing it.

It helps me in my darkest hour so I'm not going to apologise.

You can't take this away from me.

Blog love

xxx

We accept the love we think we deserve

Falling in love with someone knowing that they will never feel the same way is terrible.

Falling in love with someone and then realising they aren't the person you thought they were; That's devastating.

It's been a while since I've blogged about my love life- mainly because it's non-existence.

This is 90% by choice, I need to feel safe but I'm also scared of strangers- You can see how I have an issue.

Unfortunately you can't control how you feel, sometimes it doesn't matter how distant you make yourself or how many times you say "I just want to be alone", Your heart does what it wants.

The heart is fucking inconsiderate (Excuse my french)

Fortunately, this man single handedly made me fall in and out of love with him (Impressive right?)

I am now free from that chain, that weight, that burden, whilst love is meant to be this magical thing in reality it's damaging.

Damaging in a sense that your vision is blurred, "rose tinted glasses", despite what the person may do to you, how much they may hurt or be wrong for you, you still want them.

That's dangerous.

As someone who has been abused from a young age, I only know how to be abused or be an abuser, I don't have any concept on what a healthy relationship is or what it is like to be taken care of.

This means that in situations where for others a red flag will show, I don't have that warning because to me it feels normal.

I don't know any different.

I don't know what it is like to be cared for or to be loved.

Which is pretty heartbreaking if you really think about it.

I believe I have broken the cycle where I will never be an abuser.

I know what is wrong and what is right in terms of taking care of other people.

I still haven't figured out how to stop being the abused.

As previously mentioned in a blog post I don't feel I am worth much.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

and I honestly feel like I don't deserve it at all.

The Bravest Thing

I saw a counsellor yesterday.

I realise that's a strange way to start a blog but thought I'd get straight to the point.

It is hard to sit in front of someone and be completely honest about how you are.

I mean it's easy for me to do it on here, I'm hidden behind my computer screen but if you were to ask me how I was in person I'd almost definitely say "I'm fine".

and if you said "Are you sure, you don't look fine"

I'd reply "I'm just tired"

and that would be the end of that conversation. 

Sitting in a room with someone who knows all your demons, knows how you will refuse help from people because in your mind you don't deserve it.

That's biggest issue.

Countless times in the past few weeks I have had tears streaming down my face, a razor blade in one hand and pills in the other.

A phone full of contacts who want to help me, a notice board full of suicide support and crisis teams.

I have never rung a number because in my heart and head I honestly beleive that I do not deserve it.

There may be other people who need the help more than me or deserve it more than me.

The friends and acquaintances who have all stated they'd be round in a second I don't feel like I am worth waking them up for or disturbing their evening.

I am not worth that.

I am an insignificant person who is not worth anything.

That is my biggest demon right now, How I view myself.

Maybe this is after the attempted rape or maybe it is after a string of abusive relationships leaving my confidence and self worth at an all time low.

When she asked me "How often do you feel this way"

My eyes began to water, I looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath and said "All the time".

"Feeling suicidal all the time must be exhausting" She said looking at me with worry "When you first sat down I had no idea you were evening feeling low"

That's the thing, I have mastered the skill of putting on a brave face. I will smile, laugh and make jokes but as soon as I shut my bedroom door fall to the floor and just sob.

Pathetic as it maybe but calling someone for help when I'm suicidal is the bravest thing I'll ever have to and I still haven't found the courage to do it yet.