My List

I realise we're a bit far from New Year so it's a bit early to start New Years resolutions that let's be honest I'm not going to keep so instead I'm going to write a list of goals I'm going to do from RIGHT NOW.

Yeah I could of waited for a bit more of a memorable time than the 29th November but oh well effort to wait another whole day.

Anyway lets get the ball rolling,

1, Laugh more

Sometimes you're going to feel sad, it's inevitable so make the most when something makes you smile or laugh.

2. Stop over thinking

Things happen that you can't change, can't justify. Take a deep breath and move on.

3. Tell my family I love them more

Yes they're annoying and super weird but so are you, I think it's in the genes. 

4. Generally tell people I love them more.

I mean friends here don't become one of those people offering free hugs on the street

5. Stop taking for granted what you have.

You're lucky. Really you are,

6. Go on more dates 

(With the boyfriend not just random men)

7. Get outside more!

Whilst the lab and bar are both warm there isn't a lot of nature in there.

8. Be content with your body 

because plastic surgery is painful and let's be honest you'll never be able to afford it

9. Look after yourself.

You're not a super hero so eat your veg.

10. Don't give up.

Life's hard but you can do this.

Blog love

xxxx

Seeing you again

We've all been in that situation where a face from the past shows up when your least expecting it.

Mine has a bit more too it because this wasn't just your usual break up.

This was the "man" who broke up with me over facebook when my sister was dying in intensive care.

Yes, there really are people like that. 

So anyway seeing him for the first time was a shock to the system, it was like a flash back to that exact moment where everything in my life was falling apart.

I was scared to see him, frozen in shock, waited for him to leave so I could finally breathe again.

I realise I have nothing to hide from I just wasn't expecting to feel that gut wrenching pain at that second. 

Luckily I was surrounded by people who loved me, my work family. So whilst I wanted to hide and cry they put their arms around me and told me I'll be ok.

Fast forward a week to when I see him again, casually walking past me with a girl to then walk past to where they were originally sitting. Pathetic right?

So as I watched them be all over each other (over the top all over) I couldn't help but smile.

In that moment you proved what a low person you are, instead of the decent thing any other person would do of apologising you choose to try hurt me more.

It didn't work. 

The honest truth is I have someone who truly loves me and a happy life I wouldn't have with you.

I am not the same girl I was back then and I am so grateful for that.

What I'm trying to say is Thank you. 

I'm not scared anymore.

Fearless

I'm not scared of dying. 

I realise that is quite a morbid thing to say and certainly a strange way to start a post; but it's true.

Not that I intend on dying in the near future it's just a odd feeling.

Liberating in fact.

Dying is an inevitable darkness that brings fear into the hearts of billions; but not me.

I'm not religious, I'm a scientist and base most of my beliefs on facts and evidence.

I don't think there's a heaven in the sky or a hell beneath the earth. 

I have a different theory. One you can feel free to laugh at and choose to ignore.

All living organisms have energy.

Energy can't be created or destroyed.

I believe that when we die our energy is released from our bodies. 

What it does from here I don't know but I hope that it would be reunited with the energy from lost and present loved ones.

My energy will be with my little sister and be close to ones I love.

That's why I'm not afraid of dying and why I'm not afraid of being alone; because I'm not alone and I never will be.

Silver lining of a tragic story and at the end of the day it's made me fearless.

Heroes and Villains

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, sorta been preoccupied wallowing in self pity but today that's gonna change... well maybe tomorrow it will changed I'm still pretty bummed out.

As you may already know if you've read before is I lost my sister a year ago. Whilst I think I've coped with it well I don't think there is a right way of coping.

I mean if I was completely fine and never cried I'd be heartless but if I cried all day and never left the house I'd be an emotional wreck. I guess it's all about balance.

Here is my sad realisation- Maybe I'll never be ok.

Sure I can carry on with my life but I'll never be the same girl I was before. 

I'll always be a bit broken.

But that is ok. 

I mean none of the great people in this world had an easy life.

Look at super heroes they're orphaned or traumatised in some way.

I realise I shouldn't compare myself to super heroes because lets be honest even if I did build a bat cave and try fight crime in a costume I'd probably get arrested and be sectioned.

It is bad experiences that make us. 

You have a choice, you can either be a villain or a hero in your story.

I'm going to chose to be a hero.

I probably won't save the world I'll just try my best to be a good person.

Blog love

xxx

The monster

Alcohol is one of those things that changes with age.

I don't mean the taste although that is the case for you fancy people with you aged scotch.

I'm talking about how your view of it changes.

When your younger and you have that first sip of it at New Year. You can't wait to see what all the fuss is about so you try some Bucks Fizz something you now realise is so low in alcohol content it's really not worth drinking...

but remember being five or six...

having that first sip...

and pulling that same face you pull now after having a tequila shot.

GROSS

"Why do grown up like this?!"

Now whilst I'm sure that is the only childhood view some of you have,

that and drinking blue WKD on a park bench saying you're SO DRUNK but in reality it's nothing more than a slight sugar high. Pretty much the same feeling you'd get if you had one too many haribos.

No, I'm talking about a different memory.

The one where your parent/parents/family member are drinking some kind of poison and they switch into a person that you've met a few times before and you don't like.

The tears mixed with anger and loud voices followed by the sound of things breaking and falling as they try and walk.

A monster with slurred words, half opened eyes and unsteady on there feet.

I have a few memories like this, one that haunts me now more than ever.

I don't wish to demonise the family member so I will just refer to them as "he".

It's 2am I'm woken by the sound of Charlotte's feeding machine beeping. It's a bit temperamental at times and being only 11 years of age I had no idea how to fix it. 

I knocked on the next room, explained the situation and asked for some help.

He enters with some mumbling presses some buttons then returns to bed.

A few minutes go by then the machine starts to beep again.

He returns with louder mumbling which I still couldn't make out.

Charlotte by the way is still fast asleep being profoundly deaf it is very hard to wake her.

He rips the machine out of the socket and brings it to a side table to try fix it, still mumbling under his breath.

I am sat up in bed both concerned about Charlottes feeding machine and what he was saying.

"You know it's alright you" he finally spluttered.

Understandably confused by this sudden outburst all I could reply was "What?"

"You can go outside and play with your cousins, you can go whilst Charlotte has to stay inside, YOU are her sister, you should stay in with her"

I sat there stunned but it wasn't over

"Sometimes I wish, I'd of just let her die because this is cruel, what you are doing is cruel, It is your fault she's like this"

The next thing I remember is counting.

Crazy right?

I placed my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and counted out loud.

He was still shouting but I couldn't hear him. 

Tears streaming down my face but I just kept counting.

I remember confronting him about it at a later date, He denies it with his life or maybe he just doesn't remember it.

I don't need acknowledgement I know it happened.

Of course I know everything that he said was wrong and of course Charlotte being ill wasn't my fault, she was born that way.

But when your 11 and a grown up tells you that, you do believe them. 

It look of reassuring for me to stop.

Now ten years on and after I have drink, now and then when I start to lose control this fear hits me

"What if I turn into the monster?"

I'm sure other people feel this way, that's why I don't really like getting drunk, 

I don't want to be a monster.

------------------------

Serious blog love

Sad eyes

It's been a while... apologies.

Ever had one of those moods where you just hate everyone and everything?

There's no real cause for the anger so there's no aim, it just hits anyone who's in your path.

Of course there are people who deserve the anger, that bully from high school, that boy who broke your heart... but they aren't here right now so these random strangers on the train will have to do.

I don't look angry. I look sad.

I remember the morning after a break up I sat at the kitchen table. Stirring cheerios in my bowl with no appetite to eat it. 

I just started crying. There was no trigger. Noone had said anything I just sat in silent.

My dad who was reading the paper, put it down, got up and gave me a hug.

This was a big deal, he wasn't a hug person and being over 6ft tall it felt like being in the arms of a giant.

It both did and didn't help at the same time.

It didn't stop my heart hurting but for a few seconds I felt safe when I was so fragile.

My mum rushed into the kitchen, doing some dishes, moaning about my three younger brother running riot in the room next door when she turned and looked at me. 

She held me tightly which then made me cry even harder and said

"I wish I could take the pain away"

That is how I feel everyone see's me when I'm like this.

Even when I'm rude to people for being in my way and feel like I'm being the moodiest cow in the world, complete strangers turn and give me that sympathetic smile.

That same look in their eyes that my Mum and Dad had that day.

I guess sometimes even with your bravest moodiest face, you can't hide those sad eyes.

I should probably explain why I'm sad but I'm sure you've already guessed.

I miss my sister.

No matter how much you love someone, it isn't even close to how much you're going to miss them when they're gone...

and I loved my sister a hell of a lot.

Charlotte- The beginning

Don't worry I'm not going to tell you my whole life story. 

To be completely honest my life has years of very uninteresting events.

I thought I'd start to give an over view, a back story if you wish to show how we ended up here.

Now where do I begin...

My mum (Sarah) married my dad (Tom) and by all means happy.

They had their first child which was a boy named Adam (My brother). Adam was very well behaved, quiet and always happy with a big grin on his face. Obsessed with trains and dinosaurs but never really spoke.

Two years later they had their second child, a girl named Amy (That's me). Adam wasn't interested in me at all, apparently he didn't even like me till I was two or three. I was not like Adam. I was naughty, cheeky and a lot of trouble but I dressed like a girly girl with dresses and matching hats. That's my mums fault.

Just under 2 years later my mum was pregnant with her third child. The bump was different. It was smaller. There had been no sign that there was anything wrong with the baby but when Charlotte was born, everyone was shocked.

She was this tiny baby, born full term yet weighed only 5 pounds. The doctors raced her away to be checked over as there were clear obvious signs something was wrong. The doctors came back with a list to the floor with things wrong with her, My mum had just gone through labour, spent 9 months uncomfortable and the baby wasn't right.  She was angry, grieving for the perfect baby she thought she had.

A neighbour and good friend came to visit with a soft toy for the baby. My mother angry and emotional told her what was the point, her baby wasn't perfect and she cannot look after a disabled child. My neighbour looked at her and sternly said the words that made my mum change how she saw things.

"She is still your child"

Charlotte wasn't perfect but she was loved with everything my parents had. Having a disabled child is really hard but having one with no warning, that is terrifying. 

I am so proud of my mum for becoming the person she is now, she was always there for Charlotte even when things got hard. 

A very strong woman.