Short girl problems

If you haven't met me in person then you probably wouldn't realise I'm quite short...

Whilst you may say it's cute. No. Ok. just no. Being short sucks. 

Here is why....

1. I can't reach things.

Yeah ok this seems obvious but no I really can't reach things. To get anything from my kitchen cupboards I have to climb onto the work tops. People ask me why I wear heels at my bar job it's because I can't reach the spirits without them... It's really quite sad.

2. People assume I'm still at school.

This may be partially because when I go to the shop without any makeup I look like a 10 year old boy but really people always think I'm super young. I went to buy paracetamol in sainsburys and got I.D'd... I'M 21 AND I GOT ID'd BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOOK 16.... I once went to the newsagent and he asked me if school wasn't open today -.- It's like when you get charged a child on the bus you don't know whether to be happy you just saved a pound or offended...

3. People feel the need to pick you up.

People pick me up all the time. It's like they want to check if you're as light as you look. Especially when guys kiss you, what is with that?! Yeah I'm sure it's romantic in your head but when you drop me... Not so much (You know who you are... -.- )

4. Being used as an arm rest.

That's great that my shoulder is perfect height for you... Don't even think about it...

It's a hard life... but atleast I don't walk into tree branches... ;)

Short Blog Love

xxxx

A little pep talk just for you

My past few posts have been rather sad so let me just take this moment to give you motivational pep talk based on... well... Life I guess.

Life is hard.

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are it will knock you down. 

You have a choice.

You can either stay there or you can climb your way out of hell.

It's not going to be easy.

It is easy to accept defeat, it is easy to settle and stop moving forward.

It is easy to throw your hands up in the air and say "I'm done with this".

It is normal to question yourself, to doubt yourself, to curse the world.

When hard times come about you find yourself questioning "Why?"

"Why is this happening to me."

"I'm a good person"

"I'm not hurting anyone, I am just trying to protect my family"

Yet there are things that continue to to knock you down.

People.

There are people who do not deserve to be in your life, they do not understand what it means to be your own person because they spend they're like looking at other people trying to make themselves into their hero's but what they fail to see, what they fail to realize is that you will never be the best if all you do is copy.

It is uniqueness that makes true greatness.

It is that uniqueness that separates you from others that makes you stand out. 

Listen to yourself and find out who you want to be. What kind of person do you want to be?

Don't focus on what you want to look like or what you want to own, what kind of person do you want to be?

You will find that as you start to get better, as you start to focus these people are no longer part of your life. Why? because you are not focusing on making them happy or on being like them. You are your own person and you attract other people with that vision with that idea of the world. 

You'll find yourself surrounded by other people who deserve to be part of your life. 

My point is, if you keep going, keep focused on who you want to be and never accept defeat.

You are not finished until you make it.

Part 4 (Back to University)

I was back at University.

It was very surreal. It felt like a completely different world to the Summer I left behind.

I felt completely different to the girl who was here just a year ago. 

I didn't really know anyone but that's the great thing about uni. You can make friends so quickly. 

It was nice in a way. They didn't know the person I was before.

They only knew the person I'd grown into. 

They didn't know what my summer had been like, they didn't know about my sister and even if it was for just an hour or so at work: I felt like a typical girl at uni.

I was lucky that I had things set up so I could keep myself busy.

I was a Resident Support Assistant so had to do lots of training and met some incredible people who I instantly got along with.

I had a bar job at the university that I loved and still love. The people there were like a family to me and I knew even if it was for just a few hours I would laugh, smile and even just for a second forget the reason why my heart ached so much.

I studied an awesome course (which I'm sure you already know from my blog name) and had my first practical. I didn't know anyone on my course so tried to be as happy and as outgoing as I could be (believe it or not I'm actually quite shy). It was the 10th October and there I was in not so sunny England collected samples of mud. That's right mud. Not the greatest thing to get enthusiastic about but I had fun and laughed a lot.

We got back to the lab and I was still super cheerful even though all we were doing was looking through mud samples. Then I felt my heart sank and the smile drained from my face. I figured it was just a mood swing and finished up the lab quickly and headed home.

I got home and just sat at the computer. Not doing anything, not really thinking anything, something just wasn't right.

There was a knock at the door.

I figured it was a cleaner or one of my house mates.

I opened the door and there stood my senior tutor.

I froze. I knew what this meant and the first sentence I could bring myself to say was:

"Oh shit"

"I'm sorry, You lost her at around 4.30 today, I don't really know what to say but I can offer you a hug"

It was strange. I'd thought about this moment before in my head.

I thought I break down and cry. Cower down into the foetal position but I didn't.

There was just nothing.

A numbness.

It was almost like the pain was so much that my body just didn't know how to cope.

Even though I knew this day was coming I was still in so much shock.

I felt empty.

It was as if when her soul had left it had taken part of mine with it, I was left with this gaping whole in my heart. 

This memory still haunts me, like a nightmare I'm still trying to wake up from.

I will never forgot how lost and empty I felt, when my world fell apart.

1 year on... (Part 3)

It was getting closer to October. Noone thought we would be in this position.

They had given Charlotte 2 weeks to live in June and there we were 3 weeks later.

You may think that was a good thing because we got to spend more time with her but to be completely honest it was cruel.

We watched her waste away to the point where the bones were sticking out her skin. She didn't even look like her anymore, she was so pale and so fragile.

That wasn't Charlotte.

Charlotte was like chubby little thing, with these big cheeks and always more tanned than me.

I'd spent most of my summer at Demelza house with her. We'd began to rely on each other.

How could I leave now?

How could I leave knowing that I would never see her again?

The truth is I didn't really have a choice. 

I'd already taken a year out of university. If I didn't start now then I never would.

She always knew I was going to university, the difference now was that I wouldn't see her again at Christmas or Easter. This was it.

I wrote her a letter explaining that I loved her and that I would miss her terribly. With the letter I gave her my cuddly toy rabbit one that smelt like me and even at the age of 20 still had on my bed. I wrote in the letter that if she ever missed me or needed me that she should hug this rabbit and it would remind her just how much I love her.

That same rabbit was with her when she died and went in her coffin with her so she will always know just how much I love her.

xxx

1 year on (Part 2)- The funeral

I'm sat in a church with best friend Rosie on one side holding my hand and an empty seat next to me for my older brother.

He along with my Dad and Granddad carry this small white coffin and place it at the front of the church.

Even as I sit there surrounded by all my loved ones, a room filled with red eyes and brave faces. It still doesn't seem real. 

My older brother turns after placing down the coffin and breaks down into tears. It had taken all the strength he had to carry that small coffin because inside was our little sister.

He sits down beside me, I grab his hand and smile. He tries to compose himself but he can't, I mean who could?

You spend your whole life easing into the concept of death, the elderly members of your family pass on and you can get your head around that. They had lived a good life and their time had come.

When your little sister dies.

How can you make sense of that?

I try to stare at the ceiling to try and control the floods of tears but my eyes are constantly drawn to her photo at the front. 

That angel like pose. I mean she was no angel but it was the Charlotte I knew before she got so ill. 

My mother stands up to speak. I'd heard her speech a few times as she'd practiced reading it to me leading up to the funeral, even so I listened intently. It broke my heart hearing her voice choke and the pauses where she'd have to catch her breath.

My mum talked about the moment Charlotte was born, her growing up, her likes and dislikes. It was a basic overview of her whole short life put into beautiful yet heartbreaking words. 

Before I had time to wipe the tears from my eyes it was my turn.

I took a deep breath and made my way up to the stage followed by my childhood friend Nicole who had grew up with our family. 

I lay down the paper I was going to read and looked up to the crowd.

I tried to get the words out but I just couldn't.

It was just so hard.

The reverend held my hand tightly and my childhood friend put her arm around me. I took a quick glance at the photo of my sister on the coffin, held my head up and said these words:

"When you lose a parent

You lose your past

When you lose a spouse

You lose your present

When you lose a child

You lose your future

When you lose a sibling

You lose all three.

A week ago today I lost my little sister, Charlotte and it breaks my heart that I couldn't protect her from all 

the pain and suffering.

I am not going to lie and say we had a perfect relationship because we didn't. We'd annoy eachother 

sometimes even acted like we hated each other but one thing never change. We always loved each other.

I miss her. I miss talking to her about boys. I miss doing her hair for her. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh.

I miss planning the future with her. We'd say that when she'd get married how I'd be maid of honour in a 

long purple dress and how when we both had children we'd go on holiday together every year to turkey or 

Florida.

It is so hard imagining a future now, to have to wake up every morning into a world without my little sister 

but I will.

Already now I feel her strength and courage helping me make it through the day. That is how I know I can 

make it through this because she is always with me. Whenever I need to be brave she gives me the strength 

to do so.

I believe our bond was so strong that even though she is gone she is still with me. I never have to worry 

about being alone or scared because she'll always be by my side.

She was a true inspiration and it was a privilege to be her big sister."

1 year on... (Part 1)

I'm finding things pretty tough at the moment and to be honest so is the rest of my family.

There's nothing going wrong, nothing has happened, in fact life is as it should be.

However I cannot hide this overwhelming feeling of fear and sadness.

There is no current reason but someone once told me:

The body remembers.

It's a strange concept but like how anniversaries work, a year after a traumatic or memorable experience the body remembers and you start to feel exactly like you did then.

It is scary and strange.

I don't whether this is a good or bad thing but this time last year I didn't know some of the best friends I have now. They know my sister died but they don't know the whole story.

I guess this is my way of helping people understand or helping people currently going through a rough time to feel like they are not alone.

This time last year I was sitting in a hospital room, UCH in London. Enjoying the view of regents park from the window as we had just moved out of intensive care which is a room with four white walls, no windows, no t.v just a bed with an ill little girl.

That little girl was my little sister, Charlotte. She was this little ball of fierce energy. A force to be reckoned with. If she didn't like you, boy did you know it, the amount of times we'd get "get well soon" cards from people she didn't like and have to rip them up and throw them in the bin. That was just who she was.

She didn't care for people who made her unhappy, people who let her down basically people who didn't deserve to be part of her life. I always thought she was just rude but now I think of it I actually admire her for it.

Our family would take it in turns to travel up to London to be with her. We had been lucky enough to have a room next to the hospital so we could stay over night and stay for a few days at a time. I'd sit with her, colour in, do her nails, watch chick flicks and of course her favourite thing- talk about boys.

She was a typical teenage girl at heart but sadly her body just wasn't strong enough anymore.

She was having internal bleeding and part of her stomach had died. We were told she had at most 2 weeks to live.

The thing is, Charlotte lived on hope. She was such a fighter we didn't want to take that away from her. We decided as a family it was best not to tell her but moved her to Demelza house a hospice for children where she had been before for respite.

Charlotte loved it there. Especially after spending 6 months stuck in a hospital bed. 

She was obsessed with food which was strange as she couldn't really eat. She was fed via a gastronomy which is a tube that puts nutrition straight into her stomach as she couldn't digest enough orally. 

Some people has suggested her love of cooking and tasting could be to make up for this, as she couldn't eat but still wanted to be part of it. 

She'd stay up to the early hours of the morning watching cooking videos on youtube in the teenage room and cutting flowers into apples. I always found it weird how she could spend so long doing the same thing but she loved it so I never questioned it. I'd just sit by her side trying to study taken a break every 5 minutes so she could sign to me.

My parents had asked if I could try get her into a better sleeping routine whilst I was there as when they'd go visit her she'd be asleep but then wide awake in the evenings when they'd left. It had reached 11 o'clock so I signed for her it was time for bed. She reluctantly shut down the computer and made her way back to the room. 

I could see she was tired she was basically falling asleep in her wheelchair. I told her it was time to go to bed and she got so moody (which wasn't unusual) told me to go away. I explained it was important she was awake tomorrow for when she had visitors.  She went off in a rant, signing so quick that I could make out would she was saying and avoiding eye contact with me. 

I finally got her into the bed but she was sitting up with her arms crossed, still avoiding eye contact. Frowning and shaking her head. I then caught her eye and saw that they were watering.

"What's wrong"

"I don't want to go to sleep, I'm scared"

Tears began to fall down her face.

"Why?"

"I know I'm dying, I'm scared to go to sleep"

All this time we were trying to protect her from her inevitable fate but she knew all along. Completely shocked by this response and trying to hold back my own tears, I replied.

"Don't be scared, I'll stay right here and hold your hand as you sleep"

She nodded, laid down, closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep. 

----------

This is all I can write now. This is going to be a lot longer that originally planned.

I think the thing I learned from this particular experience is whilst you may feel you're not brave. When the time comes and someone needs you, you'll find you're stronger than you think.

Serious blog love

xxx

That's it, I'm becoming a stripper...

You know that horrible moment when you realise you just can't revise anymore so you start to think of all the things you would have to do if you fail.

"Screw this, I'll just become a stripper" but then you come to the sad realization that you can't dance and are about as sexy as a wooden spoon.

It's a big problem.

So anyway, here is a penguin to help motivate you to study...

You are welcome

Pointless blog love

xxx

Why it's ok to be sad.

Life can be cruel sometimes. It's the sad but honest truth.

However sometimes you can find yourself feeling sad without any real reason.

Depression.

There's a huge amount of stigma attached to this but there something which is much more harmful than stigma- Ignorance.

I understand that unless you've experienced depression yourself it can be frustrating and you find yourself saying...

"Why are you sad?"

"Snap out of it"

Don't say it.

Sometimes there isn't a reason and when you tell someone you are feeling down they seem to automatically think it's something they've done. It's not. You can keep asking me why but I honestly don't know. When someone tells you they feel sad. Accept it. Don't ask questions. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry you feel that way and I understand there may be little I can do to help but I am here if you need me." It's that simple. 

No awkward silence. No quickly changing the subject. No demanding why they are sad.

I can't stop being sad. This isn't a choice. Whilst there are things you can do to "be kind to yourself" that may not make it go away. You have to ride out the storm. 

Telling someone with depression to snap out of it is like telling them to stop their heart beating

 It's out of their control. 

You are not expected to be there counsellor and you're not expected to say the right thing. Sometimes you just have to be there and show them that they aren't alone.

Loneliness is part of depression. You feel so lost and you don't know why. You don't know when it's going to stop, if it's going to stop and you feel there's no one you can honestly turn to.

We are brought up in a society where when someone asks "How are you?" your response is always "I'm fine" followed by a fake smile. 

Why?

If someone I loved was suicidal I'd want them to tell me. Sadly we live in a world where suicides occur and no one even knew they were struggling. Noone even knew they were sad. Then they are faced by this guilt of "Why didn't I know". 

People don't die from suicide. They die from sadness.

Have courage and stop wearing the brave face. Tell someone how you truly feel.

Blog love

xxx

Hoga Life- Part 2

Hoga was amazing. Truly incredible. However there are few things about life on hoga...

Beautiful pictures... but you look like a troll

The background is stunning however you haven't really washed in 2 weeks, no make up, messy hair... It sorta ruins it. 

You actually WILL miss your family.

It's weird you go through weeks and months at uni without seeing them.. but theres something about being so far away. You miss them... it's a strange feeling.

For dinner? Rice.. and fish... Everyday

You've had 3 dives today and you are EXHAUSTED. Hungry doesn't even cut it, they bring out dinner annnnnd it's the same thing you've had for the past 2 weeks... The hoga diet ;)

Pfft who needs showers?! Have a jug and tub of water instead...

Nothing like that afternoon mandy after your last dive <3. Basically it's impossible to feel clean, infact you won't feel clean for 3 weeks till you get that amazing shower in the hotel. It's ok though because everyone else is also filthy. It's ALL part of the experience.

It's beautiful during the day and your worst nightmare when it's dark.

During the day the sun is shining, the sky is blue and the only real animals are the odd lizard and cute little cats. However when it's dark everything is scary. You will spend every night waking up to a rustling and thinking "Is that outside or in the hut...". Also do not try walking back to your hut without a torch.. You will fall down a coral hole and not be found till morning.

Wetsuits are your new enemy.

Remember when you were packing and how excited you were to dive. You invested in this awesome wetsuit that was perfect. Well now you hate it. After spending 15 minutes trying to get it on everytime you want to dive.. it gets a bit annoying. You're worn out before you've even started diving by all the pulling and wiggling to get it on. You wish you'd just bought board shorts... I'm sure a lion fish sting would be less painful.

Expect hilarious tan/sunburn lines.

The sun is strong. You will tan without realising. So if you decide to pull your top up... or wear a watch... or wear a wetsuit/rashvest... you will get burnt. The lines will be so obvious people from other boats will point and laugh... because it is hilarious.

Blog love