I'll keep smiling for you

I am not happy.

That is the honest truth.

I am not in any danger, I am not having an episode but I am depressed.

I am suffering from depression.

People need to be more open about mental illness and when they're suffering.

Now trying to explain this to people is difficult and you get a common response:

"You're just viewing things wrong"

Now anyone who knows me will know that I am a fairly positive person, I mean given everything I still try and be a positive energy. 

Yes I may be viewing things differently, with depression I like to describe it as seeing the world in black and white.

There's no colour no brightness.

If I could switch my way of viewing things to happy then I wouldn't be depressed.

Depression doesn't work like that.

It's not a headache that can go away with a pain killer, it's more like a burn that takes time to heal and can leave a scar.

I have tried to make myself happy- sounds strange right?

I've read those self help books.

I've meditated.

I've knitted for god sake KNITTED

Nothing has shaken this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

I'm not giving up I'm just keeping you updated.

I've lost weight, noticeably in my face apparently so my goal is to make sure I eat enough.

When I get depressed I just forget to eat because I sleep lots, and then feel weak because I havent eaten so sleep more- it's a vicious cycle.

Whilst I have been sleeping lots the quality of sleep is awful, constantly fueled with night terrors making my anxiety shoot through the roof.

I'm basically falling apart but the thing about me is I have done this before, it will pass and it will get better.

If I find a cure for sadness I'll let you know and I'll keep you updated.

I am not in any danger or having an episode.

I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder causing depression and anxiety.

More on that later.

Blog love

I'll keep smiling for you.

Bucket list

Oh Hey blog readers,

It's me again, and yes as usual my life's a mess.

SERIOUSLY WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!

Ever have that moment? Where all your other friends are engaged and you still can't make an omelette?

You realise that you are absolutely god damn ridiculous.

But you know what, I'm fine with that.

So instead of focusing on my future and whether I'm going to become a crazy dog or cat lady (it could easily be either lets be honest)

I'm going to focus on who I am and what I want to do.

Yeah yeah it's one of those "I think I need to take some time out from dating and really focus on my career" posts, but I'm not breaking up with you- we are still very much in love.

So instead of having new years resolution (plus I'm a teeny bit early for that) I'm going to have a bucket list of things I want to have done in year.

1. Do a god damn vlog. You see I made a vlog but then got all self conscious and didn't post it. It's easy for people to hate my blog but people of the internet as very nasty on vlogs. BUT I NEED TO GET OVER IT.

2. Knit a scarf. Knitting is supposed to be therapeautic and I really want a harry potter scarf- WIN WIN. I don't care what anyone says I'm a Gryfindor. You can suck it.

3. Fly a kite. Do you know I have never successfully flown a kite? What a sad childhood I had. If anyone wants to turn up at my house with a kite that would be great. Not in the middle of the night because that would be creepy rather than romantic.

4. Dye my hair a crazy colour. This is my last chance to get away with it. I mean I could just dye it, hate it and go back to a normal colour but atleast with bright hair wearing black all the time won't be so bad.

5. Go swimming in the sea. Even if it is freezing cold just have towels and hot chocolates waiting in the car. Just do it.

6. Play your electric guitar and become good. Like really good. Like OMFG WHO IS SHE good. It could happen.

7. Go to a club and dance so badly that no guy will come near you. Not even the creepy greasy guy in the corner. I want a circle gap around me, not from people cheering me on but from people being worried to come near me.

8. Become adequate at singing. Not good. For anyone who has heard me sing will know it will take a magical potion with unicorn blood to make me a good singer. Just so I can do Karaoke without deafening the room.

9. Smoke a cigar. I don't know why I just think they're cool. I can act sophisticated for 2 seconds before I start coughing my lungs out. THAT'S CLASS.

10. Meditate more and do yoga. Basically become more mindfull because your mind is as messy as my bedroom floor. Seriously I had to choose between having a bed or floor, I chose bed with a beautiful floordrobe.

11. Cook a proper meal without giving yourself food poisoning. It's a lot harder than it sounds I am awful at cooking.

12. Run a marathon. Ok so lets be realistic, a half marathon? Maybe just go for run. Just get about of bed and run to the kitchen. Build up to it.

13. Do a painting. I love to draw but a stack of sketchbooks noone ever sees is a waste. I want to do a painting I can hang on the wall.

14. Combat your fear and go ice skating and come back with all your fingers.

15, Get rid of a spider without killing it. Be brave.

16. Watch the starwars triology back to back and fall in love with it all over again.

So I'll probably add more to this, I just wanted to get it out of my head makes me feel better.

I've had to leave Colchester for a while because the harassment has been so bad but I just want you all to know I am safe and well.

It's just been a rough week.

Blog love

xxx

I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I'm struggling with some demons at the moment,

Maybe demons aren't quite the right word, 

Wrestling with emotions.

Do you mourn the loss of the person you used to be or embrace the new person you are now?

Let me explain what happened, it's going to sound slightly pathetic but bare with me.

I always hated scary movies, I'd spend the whole time hiding behind the sofa or watching it on mute,

Yup I was one of those people.

My boyfriend at the time convinced me to watch insidious and I couldn't sleep for weeks.

I also wouldn't let anyone take my photo.

Of course this was 3 years ago but still before summer I was still scared of them.

The other day I was a few scary films and whilst they were creepy as hell, I wasn't actually scared.

It really didn't phase me.

Strange right?

There is a difference between watching a movie in the safety of company where you can turn it off, leave the room or mute the volume and being trapped in reality where despite using all your strength, fighting off with everything you have you can't stop it.

That is terrifying.

I have experienced something scarier than any fictitious demon or ghost.

I now know that the real monsters aren't in books or films but are hiding behind the eyes of people you once trusted.

Realising that I have lost that part of me, to now be aware of how fragile I am in real life and struck by a fear that haunts me.

I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I am scared by the flashbacks of the man that pinned me down 

and tried to rape me.

Things I'm tired of hearing about my piercings (and tattoos more on that later)

I got my tongue pierced today dundunduuuun 

Anyway as a lover and wearer of piercings and tattoos there are certain reactions from people I am fed up of getting, so here it is (for piercings I'll do a separate one for tattoos)

1. Did it hurt?

Seriously I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked this, they stuck a needle in me of course it hurt but not unbearable. It's not THAT bad, some people like the pain... these people are serial killers. 

2. You suit your piercing but I generally hate it, it looks tacky.

Don't lie to me, I'm not the exception here. You also think I'm tacky and that is fine. Everyone as their own taste but that doesn't mean you should go shouting about it. It's like if I went up to every person with blue eyes and said "You suit your eyes but I really don't like blue eyes on humans"- how are you supposed to reply to that?! (Btw that was a lie I love love LOVE people with blue eyes just want to eat you all up)

3. I could never do that too my body.

That's nice... Please go on. Seriously what is the point in that statement, I understand when people say I'm too squeamish but just stating that you are better than piercings is fucking rude. Stop it. Stop it right now.

4. What did your parents think?

Well I'm an adult now so not much really but thanks for your concern.

5. Aren't you worried about how people will view you? I mean what about getting a job.

PLEASE I have a job. Also what kind of judgemental pricks aren't going to hire me because I have a piercing? Unless it is going to get in the way of me doing the job I don't get what the issue is. Why should I care how people view me? It's my body, my life, surely we should embrace individuality rather than trying to fit into what everyone thinks is desirable.

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

Harassment is something that can happen no matter how old you are.

At 22 I honestly thought I was past the days of being bullied but here I am.

I am not a fragile 13 year old with braces and frizzy hair but a 22 year old with straight teeth and tame hair (ish).

So you'd think I could brush off the nasty comments and threats, which sometimes I can do, however they have wore me down.

Wore me down to a point where I believe what these people say.

That's the issue when you post things on the internet, you are bound to be attacked by negativity, especially with a blog like mine that lays my heart on the table, someone is destined to stamp on it.

I don't want to give them the satisfaction of letting them know they've got to me, however as you know I don't believe in suffering in silence.

So I'm going to do this differently, instead of me telling you how negative comments have made me feel I am just going to quote what has been sent to me, so you can see what I have had to put up with on a daily basis by either anonymous comments to my blog or texts sent directly too me from someone who has been harassing me.

"You're so pathetic"

"no wonder ur depressed, i mean look at u, ugly bitch"

"If you're going to kill yourself just do it already, stop whinning about it"

"Have you seen how skinny she is? Seriously how does anyone find that attractive, she looks like a boy"

"Ill find u and finish the job"

"Noone cares"

"sex with her must be like having sex with a bag of bones"

"Learn to spell you stupid bitch"

"Go fuck yourself"

"Her eyes make her look like an ugly bug"

"ur such an attention seeker, go jump in front of a train already"

"shes single, thats no suprise who would want to fuck that"

"shut up and stop moaning"

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

He pulled the trigger

I feel like I can't breathe, I think that is the best way to describe it.

Like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

I love halloween (as many of you have probably already guessed)

I had a beautiful outfit, surrounded by amazing friends yet when I stepped into town my heart was in my stomach.

That sinking feeling.

That fear.

My eyes searching every room to make sure he wasn't there.

Analyzing every face, their height, their expressions, checking their arms for the tattoos.

Then I saw him, from afar, he didn't see me.

My heart and head filled with panic, heart racing, the air got thinner, trying my best to not collapse into a helpless mess on the floor I gathered the courage to say these words to my friends. 

"I'm going home"

Trying to focus on my breathing, to listen to my friend talk but all I kept seeing was the attack.

All I kept feeling were the bruises on my arms.

All I kept hearing were my cries for him to stop.

I felt my whole world shatter all over again after I'd spent so long building it up.

He is the loaded gun for my spiral into depression and anxiety.

He pulled the trigger.