Coping with Life

Life is hard.

It is so hard to constantly fight against something that is forever tearing you down.

When something bad happens and you feel sad, angry, betrayed etc take a moment to acknowledge how you feel.

I realise that sounds strange, but it is so common to try block it out, to "keep busy" or turn to alcohol, drugs to try numb that feeling.

Believe me I understand why, but that doesn't make the feeling go away all it does is delay it.

It'll be back the next morning when you wake up.

So just sit down in a quiet room and actually acknowledge how you feel.

No judgement,

Don't get angry at yourself or put yourself down.

It's easy to say "You should be happy" and try snap about of it but it's not that simple.

You feel this way for a reason.

You are allowed to feel this way.

Take some deep breathes and as strange as it sounds embrace that feeling.

Don't make it worse, don't try make it better, just in the moment feel how you are feeling.

Cry if you need too.

Scream if you need too.

You have the right to do this and by creating this safe place you can express it.

Take as much or as little time as you need.

It is not fair what has happened to you but by having this moment once or twice a day will stop you bottling it up and allow you continue in your day.

This is something I discovered when Charlotte died and it really helped, and I've been using it ever since when life knocks you down so you feel strong enough to pick yourself back up.

I hope it helps someone else.

The stages of a Dissertation breakdown

This is it, the moment you've been working towards... the BIG piece of coursework to really show what you can do... Make it or Break it... no pressure...

Chances are you're wishing you've chosen an easier, more interesting subject this regret is coupled with the fear of... getting a 2:2 or even worse... A THIRD.

I'm going to walk you through the stages of this difficult time.

1. I've still got loads of time.

You've calculated that if you keep to this schedule and 100 words a week (Which will be super easy) you'll still have 4 weeks to read it over and edit it! Everything's fine, why does everyone say dissertation is stressful all you need to do is plan it properly... Honestly...

2. Wait... It's MARCH

NOBODY PANIC, It's just March, I mean I swear it was just Christmas... but now suddenly it's MARCH. Oh well atleast you kept to your schedule... Oh wait, nope you watched every episode of Friends instead... stupid Netflix costing me my degree.

3. IS THIS EVEN A WORD?!

You've written a word so many times it doesn't look right anymore... How do I spell my name? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?! Calm down it's going to be OK. It's only worth a third of your degree... A THIRD. Let's think of a back up plan, I could probably work as a stripped, join the circus, maybe I'll become that person at Uni who never leaves... Man I wish I was a cat.

4. Wine is my friend.

You spend all your time in the lab or the library. Hardly seeing daylight and when you get home you drink to get the thoughts about statistics out of your head... It's like you're going through a break up.. with SPSS and R. Don't worry time is a great healer... as is Wine and significant results. 

5. Hermit

You haven't seen anyone in days, in  fact you haven't spoken in days, apart from that brief meeting with your Dissertation supervisor which was mainly you nodding to things you don't understand. You start to forget what the people on your course look like and when you finally do see someone you know... you run and hide because you haven't showered and are wearing sweat-pants.

6. Eating your feelings

You need motivation to keep working.. A LOT of motivation- chocolate, crisps, sweets, energy drinks. Cake makes it better, Cake makes EVERYTHING better... Maybe if you bake your supervisor a cake they'll give you a good grade...Hmmm...

7. Don't care

You just don't care anymore. You haven't slept in days, you've haven't cooked a proper meal in weeks and you've written all the words. It's done. It's taken all you have and that's it. Hand in your work and instead of going out drinking you're going to go home and sleep.

IT'LL BE FINE. Keep going, you got this!

My Mental Health Disorder

The issue with mental health is it is misunderstood by many people.

There is a lot of judgement and ignorance that cause those diagnosed with a mental illness  choose to keep quiet through this fear of being treated differently.

It's lonely. Isolating.

More people are being diagnosed but less people are talking about it.

I am one of those people; well was. I'm going to try change that.

I was inspired by someone's bravery, they were so honest about something so difficult, it's hard enough dealing with a diagnosis it's a whole other thing to then tell people.

Don't worry I'm not going to push my illness in peoples faces 

I just want to show that I'm not ashamed any more and to explain what the illness is and how it affects the suffers.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder II disorder.

Bipolar is word that many people have heard and I'm sure you've used it in a sentence light-heartedly without a true understanding of the disorder.

It's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes emotions to be experienced to a higher degree that a person without this disorder would have.

Symptoms

In other words when you are not under any treatment you can experience these extreme moods described as Mania, Hypermania and Major Depression.

Let's start with Mania, this can be described as a perk of the disorder because have these amazing creative ideas, so much energy you can complete tasks quickly, you're really nice to be around, really friendly and out-going. 

The downsides are: you have difficultly sleeping as your thoughts and ideas just race around your head. You also lose touch of reality it's hard to prioritise because your mind is constantly jumping from one idea to the next and over spending to fulfil all these ideas.

When you are in Mania it's like someone has pressed the fast forward button, your mind works at a faster speed than normal. 

Hypermania- This is not as nice. Your mind is still going fast but it makes you anxious. A mix of paranoia, irritability and anxiety. You snap at people, don't feel like yourself and are very self-conscious. There's no real perks and you're not a nice person to be around. It's very isolating.

Major Depression- Depression is a illness many people have experienced at some point in their life, as I've already explained Bi-polar disorder causes emotions to be more intense which is why it's described as Major. I'm not belittling normal depression because if you have been diagnosed with depression it could be classed as major. Major depression is an intense feeling of sadness usually going hand and hand with suicidal thoughts. One in Five patients of Bi polar disorder commit suicide.

That's the disorder in a nutshell of course it different for each individual.

Diagnosis

When it came to getting my diagnosis I didn't think I have bipolar disorder in-fact I didn't know what what wrong with me- I just knew something was wrong.

I tried going to the GP but unfortunately I was told time was a great healer and send me on my way.

As the suicidal thoughts got worse I went to the mental health centre myself and booked my own appointment, by-passing needing a GP referral as I couldn't wait any longer, I needed help and answers.

Living with it

I have to take regular medication which when you first start taking them they have awful side affects but after a few weeks you don't notice them. It takes a while to find your optimal dosage and cocktail of medication but once you've found it, you are in control of your emotions.

The only times it becomes an issue is when you're faced with triggers. Everyone's triggers are different but they're usually things like stress, bereavement and heartbreak. That is when even when on medication you can see those symptoms start to appear again but if you know your own body and know your own emotions and triggers they can be controlled. 

The bottom line is I'm glad I have bi polar, If I didn't I wouldn't be so creative, driven, clever or understanding of other peoples emotions.

Great people in history had Bipolar Disorder:

Edgar Allan Poe,

Vincent van Gogh

Frank Sinatra

Florence Nightingale

Kurt Cobain

Winston Churchill

I guess it's a blessing in disguise and it's made me who I am.

I'm not ashamed anymore.

If anyone has any questions relating to this or want some guidance with your own mental health issues please don't hesitate to contact me.

Blog love

xxx

Reasons you're alone this Valentines...

1. "Relationships are just too much hassle"

You just can't be bothered. Dating is too long and too expensive and you'd much rather spend that money on Dominoes whilst you sit in bed watching Netflix alone.

2.  "I'm just waiting round for the right person"

In other words all the people who are interested are either crazy or creepy and as desperate as you are to find your other half you haven't quite reached that stage yet... OR you're already madly in love with someone but don't have the courage to tell them so instead you will sit alone and wonder what they're doing this Valentines... "I wonder what Ryan Gosling is doing right now...."

3. "I'm still trying to figure out who I am."

You're super boring and need to find something interesting about yourself for some good conversation topics- The last date you went on was full of awkward silence... and the sex after was even worse.

4. "I'm not good at commitment"

You have the emotional availability of a ham sandwich

5. "I just got out of a long term relationship"

That kinda screwed you over so it's going to take a good year before you can trust another human being enough to give them a rose... Don't worry this is a safe place.

6. "Valentines isn't really my thing"

You just want sex. No strings attached no feelings no "I love you lets get married" NO you just want sex. Unfortunately you're so god damn awesome "Fuck buddys" fall in love with you and make it awkward- It's hard being that sexy.

7. "Noone loves me"

An honest answer.  Firstly someone does love you it's just not in a "Have a rose, let me cook you a candlelit dinner and then we can stare into each others eyes" kind of love. It's more of a friendly, family love- That's still love though so don't feel disheartened. As cliché as it sounds they're out there somewhere and it'll be worth the wait.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

Blog love

People that need to go away

You ever in one of those moods where everyone is just annoying.

Whilst I'm normally quite a friendly person but when I'm sleep deprived and stressed I'm not in the mood to talk to strangers so here is a list of people who need to just GO AWAY.

1. The person loudly talking on the phone.

In a computer lab, library, bus, train etc you need to go away with your irrelevant conversation and need to shout every single thing! Did your parents ever teach you about using your INDOOR VOICE. Especially if I'm already stressed doing work I do not then need to hear about your Mothers cat. That will not help me write this dissertation.

2. People who slurp their drink.

Get a straw or learn to drink properly before I knock it out of your hand. (I realise most people probably don't mind slurping but I can't stand it... sorry for unnecessarily ranting)

3. Taking selfies in stupid places.

You're in the queue at Tesco- this is not the time for a selfie. Go home and think about what you've done.

4. People who won't take your rejection seriously.

I politely said no at your offer to buy me a drink. I then said no you can't have my number. Yes you're still continuing to ask. Persistence isn't a quality I'm really looking for in a man- Stop it.

5. People who walk out of exams saying how great they did.

Even if you did do well- don't brag about it. I'm now hoping you fail and I don't like this side your cockiness is bringing out of me. Go home.

6. People who think Climate change isn't real.

I'm not even going to explain this. You're idiots. I hope natural selection kicks in.

7. Racists, Homo-phobics and all other discriminating groups.

You are the worst kind of people.What someone else chooses to do with their life is not yours to judge. Unless they are causing harm it is nothing to do with you. Take your ignorance somewhere else.

RANT OVER

Blog love

xxx

Scars

There's something that keeps going round and round in my head recently and I feel the only way to get it out is to write it down.

We lose people all the time.

I'm not necessarily talking about death although they fall into the category but break-ups, loss of contact with friends, family etc.

Some memories you try so desperately to hold onto.

The way my grandmother used to wipe away my tears when I was sad and tell me that "tears are precious, you shouldn't waste them" 

My sisters belly laugh when she giggled.

What they looked like, their faces; their voices. 

I'm always worried I'll forget them.

Then there are some memories you try to forget. 

Erase from your memory like they never happened.

When you go through a break up or loss of contact, your mind seems to replay all the happy memories but they're not happy anymore they're just a reminder that hurts so you push them away. 

Focus on something else.

When you lose a loved one, your mind fills you with guilt. All the things you wish you hadn't said, All the things you wish you had said more. 

It cruel really because now they're gone forever and you know you'll never get that chance.

To tell them:

I'm sorry

I love you

I miss you

I forgive you

Instead these words haunt me, these memories I'm trying so hard to forget are like burns.

I'm left with the scars.

Last breathe of air

Have you ever felt like you can't cope?

Overwhelmed.

It's like you're being held underwater and on your last breathe of air.

Then it all goes black.

You start to lose your sense of reality, sense of purpose.

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

I seem to spend all my time working with no goal.

No end point.

It's being underwater and not being able to see the floor or the surface.

I know I'm grieving and I need to give myself a break, it takes a long time, years in fact to feel ok again.

3 years seems to be the amount of time it takes.

I keep feeling rushed into feeling better.

"Don't let it rule your life"

"She wouldn't want you to be sad"

"Pull yourself together"

The supportive words told at me from the ones I love who are getting frustrating with my sadness.

I didn't choose this.

This was all out of my control.

My sister died and I couldn't do anything.

I'm now stuck with this pain I don't think I deserve.

and I'm supposed to get over it?

Act like it isn't there?

The funny thing is the people who say these things are the one who have never had to grieve like this.

You cannot tell me how I am supposed to be feeling.

You cannot tell me when I should stop being sad.

You need to accept and support me when I am having a bad day because what happened was awful and I deserve to be able to grieve that loss when I need too.

I do not choose when I will have a trigger. I don't have control on this.

I merely have good and bad days.

I shouldn't feel ashamed of that.