Last breathe of air

Have you ever felt like you can't cope?

Overwhelmed.

It's like you're being held underwater and on your last breathe of air.

Then it all goes black.

You start to lose your sense of reality, sense of purpose.

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

I seem to spend all my time working with no goal.

No end point.

It's being underwater and not being able to see the floor or the surface.

I know I'm grieving and I need to give myself a break, it takes a long time, years in fact to feel ok again.

3 years seems to be the amount of time it takes.

I keep feeling rushed into feeling better.

"Don't let it rule your life"

"She wouldn't want you to be sad"

"Pull yourself together"

The supportive words told at me from the ones I love who are getting frustrating with my sadness.

I didn't choose this.

This was all out of my control.

My sister died and I couldn't do anything.

I'm now stuck with this pain I don't think I deserve.

and I'm supposed to get over it?

Act like it isn't there?

The funny thing is the people who say these things are the one who have never had to grieve like this.

You cannot tell me how I am supposed to be feeling.

You cannot tell me when I should stop being sad.

You need to accept and support me when I am having a bad day because what happened was awful and I deserve to be able to grieve that loss when I need too.

I do not choose when I will have a trigger. I don't have control on this.

I merely have good and bad days.

I shouldn't feel ashamed of that.

How to dance in the rain

Please don't be mislead by this title- this is not a dance tutorial.

For the first time in years I feel happy. Truly happy.

Now I realise this may come as quite a shock as I seem to write most of my blog posts when I'm feeling sad- an outlet for my grief however I thought I'd mix it up a bit.

2013 was the worst year of my life- no exaggeration. .

The stress of family separation, the break down of my first long term relationship, followed by the serious illness and death of my sister. Plus to top it all off having to retake a university year not knowing anyone.

That's a lot for the heart to handle. I think it's safe to say I was in pieces, A mess of a person and lost in a world I felt didn't have a place for me.

Trapped in the overwhelming darkness of grief I didn't know how to cope.

But I did. I actually did it. So I thought I'd share with you all my greatest accomplishment, climbing myself out of hell.

Firstly, as you've probably heard from a million people, Time is a great healer but you can't have that on it's own. You need support. You need (as lame as this is going to sound) love.

Sometimes especially if you're grieving through the loss of a family member support is going to be hard to find as everyone else is in pieces too.

You have to be your own saviour.

As hard as it is to hear, you only have yourself.

SO BE SELFISH. Look after yourself. Don't put up with things you don't deserve or people in your life who don't deserve you. 

This includes family. I'm not saying cut out your little brother because he put a spider in your room. I mean sometimes people cause more harm than good and whilst blood is thicker than water it still needs a heart to pump it round your body. 

You can find family in the friends that are there for you.

Next set up things for future you. Right now you probably feel pretty useless however you in six months time may be ready to face the world sooooo apply for jobs, internships, experience etc book a holiday! or sky diving whatever you feel is best. Trust me future you will be so grateful. 

Find people who love you (They're out there). Not just anyone, don't jump into bed with the first person to give you attention.

Be cautious with your heart, you've been through enough pain you don't want to have anymore hurt. 

Find a good person, who makes you happy, who is brave and would stick by your side in your darkest hour because that's what you need. 

A true friend who loves you for who you are and is so proud to be part of your life.

It took me a while but I've found some amazing friends who have helped me finally feel like myself again (Tori, Emma and Rosie I honestly cannot thank you enough). 

I also fell in love again, something I didn't think I'd be able to do after how much my heart had been beaten. 

It took a long time don't get me wrong, ask him about it- I was an absolute pain he did so much chasing but I finally put my wall down and I have never felt so loved and protected which is what I need.

Once you've been through pain that's what you need, someone who is caring and who treats you right.

It isn't going to be easy in fact it's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever been through but it's not impossible. 

In your darkness it may just be a spark of hope but it's there, don't give up and I promise you things will get better.

7/12/2014- Charlottes Birthday

I wish I could give you my heart for just a minute, so you could feel how I feel. As I can't do that I'm going to try my best to describe it to you.

My sister would have turned twenty today. It's like opening an old wound and rubbing salt into it.

Suddenly you're right back to where you started. I feel just as overwhelmed with sadness as I did the day she died.

It's as if you are numb all over, it hurts to breath, every time you speak your chest knots and you feel a constant flow of tears running down your cheek.

You start to forget what the world looks like through dry eyes and begin wondering how you can still be crying because surely you have no water left.

I want to sleep, I'd give anything to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see every memory I've been pushing down the past year.

That's the thing, I'm struggling to remember the good memories- I can only see the bad. 

It's being trapped in a nightmare because being awake and being a sleep are both full of unbearable pain with no outlet.

I guess this is my outlet.

People ask me how they can help and I appreciate it but I have no answer. 

Right now it feels like nothing can help, nothing can soothe the pain because if I knew I'd be doing it.

They ask me to talk about it but every time I bring myself to speak of the memories that haunt me it feels like I'm choking, suffocating. It's like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

That's why it's so isolating. Even people grieving with me have their own grieve, their own relationship with a deceased. 

I don't know what is right for me, I don't know what I need, I'm only twenty one I have virtually no life experience yet I've lost the person I was closest too in this world.

How am I meant to know what to do? 

How am I supposed to know how to cope?

I know

I know you're sad right now so I'm not going to tell you to have a good day because I know that's just not possible.

I know right now you're searching for answers but can't find any and that you see no justification as to why this has happened to you.

I know that smile on your face is fake and that on the inside you feel like each grain of your heart is breaking away piece by piece. 

I know you want to be honest and tell people how you really feel but you don't want to burden anyone with a problem that doesn't have a solution.

I know you have so much guilt and regret that you've buried deep inside you that you can't bare to speak about-it haunts you.

I know this world doesn't make sense to you anymore.

I know you keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

I know you keep waiting for the day where you wake up and the pain isn't there.

I know you tell people that summer was a blur but you can remember every single minute of every single day you spent at the hospice.

I know you can remember her body shrink to skin and bones.

I know you can remember the sounds of her crying out in pain.

I know you remember the white coffin with the purple flowers.

I know you can remember standing up in front of all those people and saying goodbye one final time.

I know you are suffering.

The fact you are suffering doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you undesirable or unlovable. It doesn't mean you're too much or too sensitive or too needy. 

It makes you human.

Everyone falls apart sometimes and everyone feels overwhelmed by the hand of cards they've been dealt. 

You're going to be irritable, sad and honestly hard to be around but that's ok. No one is easy to be around 100% of the time.

You may be unpleasant and difficult. You may say or do things you don't meant but that isn't all of who you are.

You can be suffering and still be loved.

You can be difficult and still be cared for.

You can be imperfect and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

So I'm not going to tell you to have a good day. I'm just going to tell you to have a day.

Don't ever stop trying to live.

My List

I realise we're a bit far from New Year so it's a bit early to start New Years resolutions that let's be honest I'm not going to keep so instead I'm going to write a list of goals I'm going to do from RIGHT NOW.

Yeah I could of waited for a bit more of a memorable time than the 29th November but oh well effort to wait another whole day.

Anyway lets get the ball rolling,

1, Laugh more

Sometimes you're going to feel sad, it's inevitable so make the most when something makes you smile or laugh.

2. Stop over thinking

Things happen that you can't change, can't justify. Take a deep breath and move on.

3. Tell my family I love them more

Yes they're annoying and super weird but so are you, I think it's in the genes. 

4. Generally tell people I love them more.

I mean friends here don't become one of those people offering free hugs on the street

5. Stop taking for granted what you have.

You're lucky. Really you are,

6. Go on more dates 

(With the boyfriend not just random men)

7. Get outside more!

Whilst the lab and bar are both warm there isn't a lot of nature in there.

8. Be content with your body 

because plastic surgery is painful and let's be honest you'll never be able to afford it

9. Look after yourself.

You're not a super hero so eat your veg.

10. Don't give up.

Life's hard but you can do this.

Blog love

xxxx

Seeing you again

We've all been in that situation where a face from the past shows up when your least expecting it.

Mine has a bit more too it because this wasn't just your usual break up.

This was the "man" who broke up with me over facebook when my sister was dying in intensive care.

Yes, there really are people like that. 

So anyway seeing him for the first time was a shock to the system, it was like a flash back to that exact moment where everything in my life was falling apart.

I was scared to see him, frozen in shock, waited for him to leave so I could finally breathe again.

I realise I have nothing to hide from I just wasn't expecting to feel that gut wrenching pain at that second. 

Luckily I was surrounded by people who loved me, my work family. So whilst I wanted to hide and cry they put their arms around me and told me I'll be ok.

Fast forward a week to when I see him again, casually walking past me with a girl to then walk past to where they were originally sitting. Pathetic right?

So as I watched them be all over each other (over the top all over) I couldn't help but smile.

In that moment you proved what a low person you are, instead of the decent thing any other person would do of apologising you choose to try hurt me more.

It didn't work. 

The honest truth is I have someone who truly loves me and a happy life I wouldn't have with you.

I am not the same girl I was back then and I am so grateful for that.

What I'm trying to say is Thank you. 

I'm not scared anymore.

Fearless

I'm not scared of dying. 

I realise that is quite a morbid thing to say and certainly a strange way to start a post; but it's true.

Not that I intend on dying in the near future it's just a odd feeling.

Liberating in fact.

Dying is an inevitable darkness that brings fear into the hearts of billions; but not me.

I'm not religious, I'm a scientist and base most of my beliefs on facts and evidence.

I don't think there's a heaven in the sky or a hell beneath the earth. 

I have a different theory. One you can feel free to laugh at and choose to ignore.

All living organisms have energy.

Energy can't be created or destroyed.

I believe that when we die our energy is released from our bodies. 

What it does from here I don't know but I hope that it would be reunited with the energy from lost and present loved ones.

My energy will be with my little sister and be close to ones I love.

That's why I'm not afraid of dying and why I'm not afraid of being alone; because I'm not alone and I never will be.

Silver lining of a tragic story and at the end of the day it's made me fearless.