I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I'm struggling with some demons at the moment,

Maybe demons aren't quite the right word, 

Wrestling with emotions.

Do you mourn the loss of the person you used to be or embrace the new person you are now?

Let me explain what happened, it's going to sound slightly pathetic but bare with me.

I always hated scary movies, I'd spend the whole time hiding behind the sofa or watching it on mute,

Yup I was one of those people.

My boyfriend at the time convinced me to watch insidious and I couldn't sleep for weeks.

I also wouldn't let anyone take my photo.

Of course this was 3 years ago but still before summer I was still scared of them.

The other day I was a few scary films and whilst they were creepy as hell, I wasn't actually scared.

It really didn't phase me.

Strange right?

There is a difference between watching a movie in the safety of company where you can turn it off, leave the room or mute the volume and being trapped in reality where despite using all your strength, fighting off with everything you have you can't stop it.

That is terrifying.

I have experienced something scarier than any fictitious demon or ghost.

I now know that the real monsters aren't in books or films but are hiding behind the eyes of people you once trusted.

Realising that I have lost that part of me, to now be aware of how fragile I am in real life and struck by a fear that haunts me.

I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I am scared by the flashbacks of the man that pinned me down 

and tried to rape me.

Things I'm tired of hearing about my piercings (and tattoos more on that later)

I got my tongue pierced today dundunduuuun 

Anyway as a lover and wearer of piercings and tattoos there are certain reactions from people I am fed up of getting, so here it is (for piercings I'll do a separate one for tattoos)

1. Did it hurt?

Seriously I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked this, they stuck a needle in me of course it hurt but not unbearable. It's not THAT bad, some people like the pain... these people are serial killers. 

2. You suit your piercing but I generally hate it, it looks tacky.

Don't lie to me, I'm not the exception here. You also think I'm tacky and that is fine. Everyone as their own taste but that doesn't mean you should go shouting about it. It's like if I went up to every person with blue eyes and said "You suit your eyes but I really don't like blue eyes on humans"- how are you supposed to reply to that?! (Btw that was a lie I love love LOVE people with blue eyes just want to eat you all up)

3. I could never do that too my body.

That's nice... Please go on. Seriously what is the point in that statement, I understand when people say I'm too squeamish but just stating that you are better than piercings is fucking rude. Stop it. Stop it right now.

4. What did your parents think?

Well I'm an adult now so not much really but thanks for your concern.

5. Aren't you worried about how people will view you? I mean what about getting a job.

PLEASE I have a job. Also what kind of judgemental pricks aren't going to hire me because I have a piercing? Unless it is going to get in the way of me doing the job I don't get what the issue is. Why should I care how people view me? It's my body, my life, surely we should embrace individuality rather than trying to fit into what everyone thinks is desirable.

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

Harassment is something that can happen no matter how old you are.

At 22 I honestly thought I was past the days of being bullied but here I am.

I am not a fragile 13 year old with braces and frizzy hair but a 22 year old with straight teeth and tame hair (ish).

So you'd think I could brush off the nasty comments and threats, which sometimes I can do, however they have wore me down.

Wore me down to a point where I believe what these people say.

That's the issue when you post things on the internet, you are bound to be attacked by negativity, especially with a blog like mine that lays my heart on the table, someone is destined to stamp on it.

I don't want to give them the satisfaction of letting them know they've got to me, however as you know I don't believe in suffering in silence.

So I'm going to do this differently, instead of me telling you how negative comments have made me feel I am just going to quote what has been sent to me, so you can see what I have had to put up with on a daily basis by either anonymous comments to my blog or texts sent directly too me from someone who has been harassing me.

"You're so pathetic"

"no wonder ur depressed, i mean look at u, ugly bitch"

"If you're going to kill yourself just do it already, stop whinning about it"

"Have you seen how skinny she is? Seriously how does anyone find that attractive, she looks like a boy"

"Ill find u and finish the job"

"Noone cares"

"sex with her must be like having sex with a bag of bones"

"Learn to spell you stupid bitch"

"Go fuck yourself"

"Her eyes make her look like an ugly bug"

"ur such an attention seeker, go jump in front of a train already"

"shes single, thats no suprise who would want to fuck that"

"shut up and stop moaning"

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

He pulled the trigger

I feel like I can't breathe, I think that is the best way to describe it.

Like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

I love halloween (as many of you have probably already guessed)

I had a beautiful outfit, surrounded by amazing friends yet when I stepped into town my heart was in my stomach.

That sinking feeling.

That fear.

My eyes searching every room to make sure he wasn't there.

Analyzing every face, their height, their expressions, checking their arms for the tattoos.

Then I saw him, from afar, he didn't see me.

My heart and head filled with panic, heart racing, the air got thinner, trying my best to not collapse into a helpless mess on the floor I gathered the courage to say these words to my friends. 

"I'm going home"

Trying to focus on my breathing, to listen to my friend talk but all I kept seeing was the attack.

All I kept feeling were the bruises on my arms.

All I kept hearing were my cries for him to stop.

I felt my whole world shatter all over again after I'd spent so long building it up.

He is the loaded gun for my spiral into depression and anxiety.

He pulled the trigger.

My good news

I got some good news this week.

*Drum roll please*

I am currently being treated as first year PhD student rather than Masters; meaning as long as I get funding I will be a Dr in 3 years.

Dr Cohen, sounds pretty cool eh?

Although I can only medically help if you're a fish.

Whilst this is my dream coming true and I've been going on for ages about how I need some good news, now it's here I'm not entirely sure how to process it.

*Oh no not another trip to memory lane, I'm sorry guys but this is how I understand how I am now and by consciously recognising my flaws I can start to alter them*

When I was a child I tried really hard in school. I still wasn't top of the class, I was clever but nothing exceptional.

The reason I was in the second top classes was because I studied hard, from the age of 12 I would spend most of my time doing home work or revising.

My Step-dad recently asked me where I got my drive from as it clearly hasn't been pasted on to my younger brothers/

The truth is, I did it to be noticed. 

I have previously mentioned how I felt invisible and by getting good grades I thought I could actually get some attention from my parents.

When I'd ask my mum for help with homework or even just try tell her about how well I did she'd tell me she didn't have time, having 9 children running round the house it is understandable.

My mum would also sometimes turn quite nasty (this is common with multiple females in the house, instinct to feel threatened). She would belittle my achievements or tell me that she is still smarter than me despite what grade I get.

My farther would initially be so proud but later on fueled with alcohol would yell that I shouldn't have these acheivements, how dare I brag about how well I'm doing when my siblings are disabled.

"It's alright for you" was his favourite line, followed by "You're just like you're mother"

Alcohol changes people and my Dad was not a bad person, he merely made mistakes as all people do, I have no hate towards him I am analysing how past events have influenced how I am today.

Due to these experiences I now have issue being proud of myself and telling people about my achievement.

When I do tell people it will be quick and short, I'll act like it isn't a big deal and quickly change the subject.

Avoiding eye contact and keeping my voice monotone to prevent seeming big headed.

I now need to work on being able to be proud of myself.

I deserve to feel happy this is a big achievement and I worked so hard for it.

I should be able to proudly tell people good news or just about my life.

Unfortunately my learned behaviour is that people don't actually care about my news.

But people do care.

You care.

So I hope you can be happy for me whilst I work on being happy for myself.

Blog love.

xxx

The worst customers at a bar

1. "I've been waiting here 20 god damn minutes".. "Ok what do you want?" ... "Erm let me ask my friends"

I hate you. I actually hate you. Whilst I might still serve with a smile it will be given with a side of eye rolling and tutting. Seriously if you've been waiting that long surely you would have decided what you wanted. Stop being a dick.

2. "I can't serve you, you're too drunk" .. "I'm not drunk watch this..*Does some strange thing that in no way proves soberity*"

You're an idiot. Believe me this is for your own good (and mine, I don't fancy getting fired from my job). You'll wake up tomorrow with a killer hangover but in your own bed not in hospital after having your stomach pumped. YOU'RE WELCOME. 

3. "Why won't you serve me this absurd drink I made up in my home town?"

I have been a bartender for 3 years, unfortunately learning all the cocktails ever invented isn't something I've had time for, got other things to do. "I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist" stop trying to make ice and lemon sound fancy, you're in a student bar time to tone down the posh twat vibe.

4. "Let me pay you with 5ps and place it on the wet bar"

Why can't you count it in your hand like a normal human? Now I have to pick up your wet pennies and re-count it because I don't trust your drunk maths skills. Stop that.

5. "What you're closed? I didn't hear you ring the bell"

We've been shut half an hour, we had a bouncer clear everyone out... where the hell did you come from? I'm taking off the beer nozzles whilst my colleague is wiping down the front bar... does it look like we're open? You're at university, use some common sense. No I will not serve you one last drink, No I won't do you a favour. Get out of ma pub.

6. "I've spilt my drink and want you to make me a new one"

That's not how this works. Your drink does not come with an insurance policy, I cannot replace it due to accidental damage no matter how much you tell me it was full and you'd just bought it. You should be really mad at yourself right now.

RANT OVER. 

Luckily I work with awesome people so it's worth it.

Blog love

xxx

You can't take this away from me

I haven't written to you in a while, don't worry it's nothing you did.

I've just been busy but you'll be happy to know that I am feeling like myself again.

Hooray!

When you post something online you are always going to receive negative responses, no matter how good it is.

Whilst I have a flood of positive messages about my blog which I really appreciate and means the world to me, I have recently also been bombarded by negative messages so this post will address them.

My blog may not be what you want to read but I'm not holding a gun to your head. If you don't want to read it- don't read it.

My blog may make you feel uncomfortable but that's not my issue that's yours and the current world we live in. 

Mental illness shouldn't be a secret, it shouldn't be something we hide, people shouldn't suffer in silence.

Surely it is better for me to be honest with the world so that people can help rather than keep it locked up tight where I am destined to get worse by wallowing in my own self pity.

People can't help if they don't know.

A big thing with suicide cases is that people didn't even know they were sad, they feel so much guilt because they had no idea what was going on in their loved ones mind.

I'm giving you the key to my mind, to my heart. You can read my blog and discover exactly what is is like in my head.

I think that's a pretty unique gift.

My blog is not a cry for attention, it is me trying to change how we view mental illness and how those struggling with mental illness should seek help without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

I am not going to stop writing it.

It helps me in my darkest hour so I'm not going to apologise.

You can't take this away from me.

Blog love

xxx