I am the girl

"Oh no not another blog post"

I know it's getting a bit ridiculous now this blog is turning into my personal diary. I'm sorry but you know this is how I cope with life... so... forgive me ok?

Here's the deal I have never been one of those emotional drunks, I'll have deep conversations sometimes, but normally I am just ridiculous and random.

However this week I have cried (and I mean really really cried like sobbing) twice on nights out, TWICE.

I also got stung by a wasp twice which probably didn't help the situation.

Ok so maybe drinking when your depressed isn't a great idea and maybe if I felt sad I shouldn't have been around people.

But I'm glad I did. There are so many people who I didn't know were amazing, 

I didn't actively ask for help, I was just honest.

Some call it attention seeking others call it brave but I still strongly believe the biggest challenge with mental illness is suffering in silence.

I haven't had all supportive responses.

I've had people I considered a best friend basically ignore/avoid me.

I've had people tell me what I posted was inappropriate and made them feel awkward.

So what?

Just because you can't empathise doesn't mean I should suffer in silence because there are some people who do and can help me.

I'm going to answer a question I'm sure so many of you are asking or have thought to yourself when someone you care about is depressed.

How can I help?

I know you don't have a cure.

I know you can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

I don't expect you to say the right thing or know what to do.

Here is the big secret to supporting someone who is depressed (Drum roll please)

Just be there. 

An arm around the shoulder, a kiss on the forehead, squeeze their hand, even just a smile.

Don't ask them how they are because they may not want/be able to tell you.

Don't ask them why they are sad (Seriously the worst thing, especially when they keep pestering and you just don't have an answer)

Make them laugh.

Make sure they're safe.

Make sure they know you are always there if they need you.

The best thing to say is "I'm so sorry that has happened to you"

Not "I understand how you feel" Not "Get over it"

After coming home last night at 2am I realised something.

I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like crying.

My eyes were dry and I felt like my heart wasn't sinking anymore.

As I walked home from work today, slowly recovering from my hangover, I felt something,

Don't worry I'm not going to claim I saw a ghost or felt god or anything like that.

I remember feeling this way a few weeks after my sister died.

Maybe it's adrenaline.

Maybe it's a sugar high from the ridiculous hot chocolate I drank.

Maybe it's the same strength my sister had that's willing me to go on,

Or maybe just maybe it's me. 

The strong person I was so desperate to be was me all along.

Don't get me wrong I'm still sad, unfortunately doesn't go over night.

The difference I have my fight. my spark back.

I am done with crying.

I am done with staying all bed all day.

I am done with looking in the mirror and hating what I see..

Even if I believe I am ugly on the outside and I can't change that,  that doesn't stop me being a beautiful person on the inside.

I can control that.

I am the girl who will go out of her way to help others.

I am the girl people come to when they need someone to talk too.

I am the girl who smiles and laughs when she feels like crying.

I am the girl who falls in love with people because I see the good in them before they see the good in me.

I am the girl who despite everything still wears her heart on her sleeve, still loves people who don't love her and is nice to people who don't deserve her kindness.

I am the girl who stood up and spoke at her sisters funeral when noone else could.

I am the girl who beat an eating disorder.

I am the girl who stood up to her abusive father to protect her siblings.

I am the girl who had the strength to leave an abusive relationship.

I am the girl who fought back a rapist and reported him to the police.

I am the girl who still went to graduation whilst she still had bruises from her attack.

I am the girl who never felt like she had a family but discovered her own at Essex.

I am the girl who has Bi polar disorder but has never let it hold her back.

I am Amy Cohen, and I am proud of who I am.

p.s. I would like to especially thank Shellie, Leanne and Xian for putting up with my tears and listening to me. I can't thank you enough.

Closest I've ever been to suicide.

I'm doing another depressing blog post again.

Shock, horror.

I know I know you're probably fed up with me by now. 

For god sake Amy just be happy.

Unfortunately being Bi-polar disorder sometimes that's not possible.

I need to get this off my chest but it also may be useful for people to know how it feels to have a Major Depressive Episode.

In my blog I have always been honest with you,  told you exactly what is in my heart and head but this is a time where I'm scared too.

This is the closest I've ever been to suicide.

There I've said it.

Now I know there is going to be people who say that is selfish or I have so much to live for etc etc etc

Believe me I know all the party lines.

I can't see what you see.

Whilst I may have all these things to look forward too, there is this big shadow over my heart, all I see and feel is darkness.

I don't mean to come across emo. I'm just being honest.

Imagine all the colour taken out of the world. 

The pain is too much and I can't cope.

I cannot do this.

I am not strong enough to do this. 

I am so tired of crying.

I am so tired of fighting.

Waiting to get better.

A constant sinking feeling in my heart and a hurricane in my head.

Overwhelmed my own thoughts and wanting someone there.

This is where I'm told there are lots of people who like me and who are my friends.

Right now I can't discuss the latest gossip or be the fun person everyone likes.

I have noone I can phone in the middle of the night if I feel suicidal.

I have noone who I can be openly honest with and say how I feel inside without being told to "Get over it" or "Stop being sad"

It's not about understanding or saying the right thing, I know noone has a cure, sometimes all we need is someone to just be there.

I'm partially to blame for this, I've stopped telling people the truth of my emotions (this blog is my only release really) because I don't want to bother them or bring them down.

I don't want to be that depressing girl that noone wants to be around.

I am one unimportant person, noone should take time out of their day to be with me because I feel sad.

I am not that special.

I am not worth that journey.

I realize I have just laid my broken heart on the table and I'm sorry.

Writing this blog is the only thing keeping me alive today and that is the honest truth.

Whilst I feel suicidal I have no plans to end my life, I will ride the storm and I will get through this so please don't worry I am just struggling.

Really struggling.

Invisible

For anyone who reads this blog I'm creating a Vlog which will be released every Wednesday from now on :) (I know right, you can't get rid of me!)

I thought of doing a "Draw my life" but as I did it I realised there was part of my life I hadn't addressed in this blog and would seem a bit sudden to bring it up in a video without fully explaining it.

When I was 7 my mum remarried, and my family life was changed. 

My step-dad is amazing and has always been there for me, sometimes more than my biological parents.

When I was 10 my younger brother was born, Matthew.

I loved him to pieces and of course still do, but having a baby in the house changes things.

My full siblings Adam and Charlotte were at boarding school so it was just My mum, my step-dad, my half-brothers and I.

My mum had three little boys so was pregnant or had young children all my teen years which I now understand is why she acted like she didn't like me, it was lack of sleep, stress and hormones.

At 14 years old I was invisible.

I went to school before anyone was awake, ate dinner on my own whilst they all sat in a different room and barely spoken too.

I was shouted at quite a lot for being in the way so spent a lot of my time in my room with my headphones on imagining I had a different life to the one I had.

At school I wasn't bullied or anything but I wasn't popular, I wasn't anything. I was one of those people who faded into the background.

I have people add me on facebook now and message me asking if we even went to the same high school when I used to sit next to them everyday.

There were a few girls (as there always are in all high schools) who used to call me ugly and tell people not to talk to me, even they don't recognise me now. Even though they made my life hell they don't even remember me. I think that hurts more than if they knew what they did and didn't care because they don't even know what they did.

There I was at 14, I didn't fit in at school and I wasn't wanted at home.

My mum used to go on holiday with my step-dad and my younger brothers and leave me behind. I'd stay at random friends, aunties, grandparents and sometimes even my dads even though I had told my mum he was abusive and I didn't want to go. I'd still have to spend weeks at his house.

I was moved into a smaller box room and my large room was given to my younger brother, I'd offered to move into the box room hoping showing kindness would help me fit into the family but I still didn't. 

I was still unwanted- just in a tiny room.

I was the child that was in the way.

My mum had this new perfect family and I was ruining it, a reminder of a past she didn't want and that showed.

It was hard enough being called ugly at school but to go home and be told the same thing by your family is incredibly difficult.

I did what I had to do to cope.

I stopped eating.

I didn't think I was fat or anything like that, it was more a type of self harming.

The less you eat the less you feel, everything goes numb. 

You sleep more because you have no energy.

I think part of it was also to see how long it would take for people to notice.

I had always been slim so it was harder to notice a change in weight.

It all came to light when I was 16 shopping from Prom dresses.

I went with my Nan who had taken all my older cousins to do the same thing.

We walked into this gorgeous dress shop with ball gowns all different colours, The shop assistant looked me up and down and said I looked like a size 6.

I was wearing a baggy jumper as I always did so it was hard to tell my true size.

I tried on a size 6 strapless dress and it fell to my knees.

I tried on a size 4 and the same thing happened.

I remember the look of horror on my Nans face where she saw my ribs poking out my body.

I couldn't hide anymore.

Then came the family "intervention" to try help me but they spoke like I wasn't there.

My Mum and Dad both passing blame claiming it wasn't their fault and I was just a difficult child.

My Mum even took me to the doctors to discuss it, spent the whole time claiming she had done everything right and I was just difficult, the doctor looked at me with sympathy and asked my mum to leave the room.

I'll never forget that sympathetic look in his eye that made tears flood from my eyes.

He said something I will never forget "You can only save yourself from this"

I can't tell you how I got better.

I moved to a new area a new school and the people I met definitely helped.

I had a counsellor at my new school called Juliet who helped me find my voice and stop being invisible.

It meant a lot more arguments at home however as I started to answer back to verbal abuse.

I gradually increased my food intake, little and often although I never fully recovered to the size I was when I was 14. Believe it or not I used to be a size 10, haven't been since.

I am however at a healthy weight and I do eat.

I haven't discussed my issues with eating disorders as I'm still skinny people instantly assume I'm still suffering but I'm not.

I'm not going to lie when things do get increasingly difficult I do fall into old habits but I know the signs, I know my own body and I do seek help.

Everything that has happened and everything that is still happening moulds you into who you are. 

Everytime you fall apart and put yourself back together you are stronger even though you feel more fragile.

Never let what has happened define who you are today, 

because right now,

I am far from invisible.

Customers when it comes to coffee

I've spent most of my summer working in a coffee shop and 90% of the customers are lovely and make my job great BUT there are those few who both confuse and annoy me... here is a list. (Can you tell I've worked 3 days in a row in the coffee shop with difficult customers? Maybe?)

1. The one who orders a soy drink with whipped cream.

What? Seriously? You make no sense. Just why.

2. The person who orders the messiest drink and spills it everywhere 2 minutes before we close.

Its 5.30pm on a Sunday, the place is empty and I haven't served anyone in an hour. I've spend ages cleaning all the surfaces and basically closing down apart from turning the machine off then you come alone ordering a ridiculous blended drink which you then decide to spill all over my clean surfaces. I may be smiling but I am crying on the inside.

3. The one who gets annoyed when you don't remember their "usual"

I serve a ridiculous amount of people a day and you come in once a week, how on earth am I supposed to remember your order? I don't even think I served you last time! If I had memory that good do you really think I'd be using it working in a coffee shop. I'd have a genius grant and using my powers to save the world not to make you a machiatto.

4. The person who orders a skinny latte with extra whipped cream and syrup

Who you kidding. How many calories are you going to safe switching from semi-skimmed to skimmed? It certainly isn't going to balance out all that sugar. If you're wondering why your diet isn't working- it's probably the whipped cream.

5. The one who orders a specific drink that you don't do then complains you did it wrong.

"I want a blended drink but not very blended....excuse me this drink is too icy" WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

6. The one who spills there coffee and wants you to replace it free of charge.. 

I know the customer is always right... but you're wrong. Unless it is my fault you do not deserve a new coffee.

7. The people who decide to throw sugar everywhere.

I don't understand this. The condiment area is always just covered in sugar and cocoa powder. The sugar sachets are really small so you must be opening ten and just completely missing your drink. Plus there is a bin right there yet you think the table is an appropriate place to leave the teabag. Stop being inconsiderate.

8. The one who's been queing for 15 minutes yet still hasn't decided what they want.

There is a huge que behind you. I am trying to work as fast as I can juggling an Americano, Latte and Frappucino but you decide you want to try something new and ask for a description of every drink to then stick to your usual. That's just fine,

9. Anyone who complains it's taking too long.

I am one person with two hands if you're going to be late for your meeting then you shouldn't have stopped for coffee and being rude isn't going to make me go any faster... You try making an extra hot large soy caramel machiatto with an extra shot, then you can judge.

Blog Love

To do list

After riding through the storm I am happy to announce I am finally seeing the sunshine HORAY!

Don't get me wrong there are still some issues I need to work on but all in all I am happy.

(I know right, about bloody time)

I'm going to let you take a peak into what is in my mind (Ok so this isn't really any different to normal but shhhh)

Amy's to do list

1. Look in the mirror and like what you see. 

As many other people in the world I am very insecure about my looks. When I was younger I always used to think when I was a grown up I'd be pretty because I'd be able to afford a nose job. Well now I am a grown up and realise plastic surgery is ridiculously expensive and looks super painful so I'm stuck with my ugly mug. It's got so bad at the moment that I've had to cover the mirrors in my bedroom as I can't stand to look at myself, pathetic right? Anyway that is what I need to work on.

2. Actually be healthy.

I am skinny yes, but ask me to run up a flight of stairs and you will find me napping half way up. I should eat more fruit and veg, the usual new years resolutions that you have but never keep but this is actually for my own good and I should do it. (I probably won't but I should)

3. Sleep

As previously mentioned in a blog post I have issues sleeping. Did you know Jeremy Kyle USA was on at 3 in the morning? because I did! That's right for the past 2 weeks I have been waking up unable to sleep yet unable to do anything useful so lie on the couch in my duvet and wait for some decent tele to come on. You know your life has reached a low point when "Everybody loves Raymond" is the highlight of your day.

4. Stop falling in love with arsehholes.

Excuse my french. I have a type, unfortunately my type doesn't like me but they do like to mess me around and break my heart. Sorry for sounding like a pathetic girl, I don't hate all men or anything like that I just think I need to be more selective. Tattoos- No, In a band- No. Cares more about his hair than you do- No. Just find someone nice for christ sake. NICE.

Amy's list of things she shouldn't change

1. Don't stop being nice

2. Don't stop believing in the good in people.

3. Don't stop smiling or laughing like a crazy person.

4. Don't give up hope that one day you will truly be happy.

That's all folks

Blog love

xxx

The girl who doesn't deserve happiness

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind?

Well right now that's how I feel, 

Every time I sleep I have this recurring nightmare, a flash back. 

It wakes me up at exactly 4am each morning, in the past 2 weeks there's only been one night where I haven't had this nightmare and that was when I wasn't alone- Guess I felt safe then.

I'm going to tell you my nightmare but before I do I feel like I should protect the person it concerns.

People change with alcohol, some get sleepy after red wine, some get overly friendly and unfortunately some get violent.

I have forgiven the person in the story, however forgiveness does not heal scars and I still feel haunted by this.

--

I was 11 years old on a family holiday asleep in a caravan.

It was a small caravan with two sofas which we turned into beds one for myself and one for my younger sister Charlotte.

"beep...beep...beep"

I woke up to Charlotte's feeding machine going off. 

(Charlotte was unable to digest food orally so had a gastronomy tube which put food directly into her stomach, a machine was used throughout the night so she could gradually get a days worth of nutrients)

I went outside with my eyes still half closed and quietly woke my Dad up, trying not to disturb my brother who was asleep in the same room.

My Dad mumbled some things under his breathe, pressed some buttons on Charlottes machine and left again.

I went back to bed but a few moments later the machine starts to go off again.

This time my Dads mumbling is louder.

"You're just like your mum you know"

his words are slurred 

"It's easy for you, you don't have to stay inside like she does" 

pointing at Charlotte who is fast asleep and deaf so completely unaware of what is happening.

"You can go out and have fun, you can go and play with the other kids whilst she stays here, you should have to stay here with her, if you were a good sister you would be inside with her"

"But you're not you're a selfish little bitch"

"(My brother) gets to go outside why shouldn't I?"

"Because you are her sister"

"You're just like your mum"

"It's your fault she's like this, it's your fault"

"No it's not, it's noones fault"

His voice grows louder and more aggressive

"Yes it is, it's your fault, you shouldn't be allowed to be happy"

That was the last thing I remember him saying the rest is all muffled shouting.

At 11 years old I curled myself into a ball,

Put my hands over my ears,

Closed my eyes

and started counting.

I don't know why, a coping mechanism I guess.

I continued counting whilst the tears ran down my face.

I continued counting when he came close to check I was ok.

I continued counting when he tried to hug me.

I continued counting when he left the room.

I counted until I fell asleep.

It's strange whilst now obviously as a grown adult I understand what he said wasn't true.

I understand alcohol makes people do and say things they don't mean.

However as a child, I believed everything he said.

After that I was very quiet, barely spoke to anyone especially my family,

I truly believed I shouldn't be happy and felt bad everytime I smiled.

I once confronted my Dad about the incident,

He denied the whole thing.

Called me a Liar.

I still forgave him but I can't forget.

I'm trying my hardest too but every time I wake up I feel like I'm that 11 year old girl.

The girl who doesn't deserve happiness. 

I'm ok

Nothing has changed since we last spoke, my life is still a mess. However I am more content with its messiness.

Let me explain.

I was depressed, a mental illness which is so common but so few speak about creating this cycle of loneliness. My aim is to break that cycle.

I don’t mean to shove my feelings down your throat, although I’m sure to some of you it feels that way, I’m just being honest.

And honestly I can say that today… I feel ok.

Don’t get me wrong I still get sad, there are moments when I lay there awake at night with that sinking feeling in my chest, but I don’t feel suffocated by it anymore.

I feel like I can wake up in the morning.

I feel like I’m not alone.

I was haunted by loneliness. As pathetic as that sounds. 

Whilst I do have a family they aren’t very good at being a family, they’re good people they just make it clear they don’t want me.

I know I know you’re sitting there thinking “Of course they want you, They love you”

And yes they do love me, but they don’t want me in their house.

A month after I went to university my mum moved all my belongings in the attic and changed my room into a guest room.

There were no photos of me in the house (there are a few now but that’s mainly through me guilt tripping them, it worked but still doesn’t make me feel wanted)

This is the kind of thing that needs to be addressed in another blog post but just take my word for it, they don’t want me to live with them- simple.

Which is fine I had 3 whole years of university to come to terms with that.

Staying in a university town when all the students have gone home is depressing.

That in itself is enough to make someone feel down.

My best friends were miles away some in foreign countries.

I’m living with strangers.

I felt like I had no one around me who cared.

I post my blog posts for me, if they help other people then that’s a bonus but to be completely honest I never expected anyone to read them.

I’ve had such kind messages from strangers and distant friends who read my posts. Some who are also going through similar things and it is so nice to feel that you aren’t alone.

I discovered I had friends I didn’t know I had.

People who care.

I didn’t think anyone did.

The people who I work with (my only real time leaving my room) have really helped my recovery and I want to say thank you. You probably didn’t even mean to do anything, or realise you had but you helped so much. (Little shout out to Kerri who is reading this because she loves me/ stalks me, you’ve been a massive help)

Man this blog post is turning lame.

I apologise.

What I’m trying to put across is things do get better and whilst you feel like you’re alone you really aren’t.

Just keep going, there is a light at the end I promise.

Hope is the only thing keeping me alive and that's ok.