The girl who lived

Today is the anniversary of when I tried to kill myself.

Not the kind of anniversary that should really be celebrated, I don't expect flowers or cards.

However reading back on a post a made a year ago, being transported back to a time where I sat on my bed and wrote my first suicide note, where I was trapped in my own mind and the whole world was just dark.

This time is always going to be difficult for me, not just for the way my body remembers the turmoil I put it through but also as 3 years ago I was living in a children's hospice caring for my little sister,

Holding her hand whilst she cried herself to sleep and whilst she was surrounded by nurses and doctors the only one she'd talk too or trust was me, a heavy burden to hold.

I never minded that burden, in fact it always gave me purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning because someone truly needed me, I couldn't be replaced I was the one she wanted and that was truly an honour.

When that burden was lifted you'd think I felt relieved but I didn't, I felt empty.

My whole life since I was just over a year old was being Charlotte's big sister.

She was deaf so used sign language and as she had four fingers on each hand her signing was unique and hard to understand but I had grown up learning with her making in fluent in how she spoke.

I could tell what she was saying so much quicker than anyone else that meant I never left her side especially as my whole family except my mum and my older brother didn't know sign language so I was her translator growing up.

You know how when you were in primary school as you had that best friend that you'd follow around everything, you'd do everything together, well that was Charlotte and I except she needed me next to her. 

She needed me to tell people what she needed. how she was feeling, if she needed a drink or medicine or felt ill or was in pain.

She couldn't function without me,

I couldn't function without her.

When she died, part of me died too and it wasn't until she was gone I realised how much I needed her.

My entire life purpose had been ripped apart from me, the person I had grown into was all due to her and she was gone.

I couldn't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life could just be taken from you. Just like that.

Who am I supposed to be if I'm not her big sister?

What use am I to the world?

So many questions screamed in my mind as I sat in her funeral surrounded by family who saw me as nothing else,

With her gone I felt myself fading into the background, no one could see me anymore.

It's been three years and my heart still aches for the loss but I can tell you who I am without her.

I am the big sister to 3 beautiful (yet slightly annoying) little boys, who think I'm the coolest person ever (I mean I'm not, it's a total lie but they don't need to know that)

I am the daughter who held up her mother when she needed me most, when she learnt Charlotte was dying My older brother Adam and I held the family together and made sure everyone was there for Charlotte.

I am the artist who can put my feelings to paper and create some not so terrible art.

I am the writer who uses her blog as a coping mechanism but also helps others going through similar heartache.

I am the girl who tried to kill herself and survived,  using the same strength my sister had to carry on through my darkest hour.

I am the girl, who lived.

The girl who lived

Not the kind of anniversary that should really be celebrated, I don't expect flowers or cards.

However reading back on a post a made a year ago, being transported back to a time where I sat on my bed and wrote my first suicide note, where I was trapped in my own mind and the whole world was just dark.

This time is always going to be difficult for me, not just for the way my body remembers the turmoil I put it through but also as 3 years ago I was living in a children's hospice caring for my little sister,

Holding her hand whilst she cried herself to sleep and whilst she was surrounded by nurses and doctors the only one she'd talk too or trust was me, a heavy burden to hold.

I never minded that burden, in fact it always gave me purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning because someone truly needed me, I couldn't be replaced I was the one she wanted and that was truly an honour.

When that burden was lifted you'd think I felt relieved but I didn't, I felt empty.

My whole life since I was just over a year old was being Charlotte's big sister.

She was deaf so used sign language and as she had four fingers on each hand her signing was unique and hard to understand but I had grown up learning with her making in fluent in how she spoke.

I could tell what she was saying so much quicker than anyone else that meant I never left her side especially as my whole family except my mum and my older brother didn't know sign language so I was her translator growing up.

You know how when you were in primary school as you had that best friend that you'd follow around everything, you'd do everything together, well that was Charlotte and I except she needed me next to her. 

She needed me to tell people what she needed. how she was feeling, if she needed a drink or medicine or felt ill or was in pain.

She couldn't function without me,

I couldn't function without her.

When she died, part of me died too and it wasn't until she was gone I realised how much I needed her.

My entire life purpose had been ripped apart from me, the person I had grown into was all due to her and she was gone.

I couldn't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life could just be taken from you. Just like that.

Who am I supposed to be if I'm not her big sister?

What use am I to the world?

So many questions screamed in my mind as I sat in her funeral surrounded by family who saw me as nothing else,

With her gone I felt myself fading into the background, no one could see me anymore.

It's been three years and my heart still aches for the loss but I can tell you who I am without her.

I am the big sister to 3 beautiful (yet slightly annoying) little boys, who think I'm the coolest person ever (I mean I'm not, it's a total lie but they don't need to know that)

I am the daughter who held up her mother when she needed me most, when she learnt Charlotte was dying My older brother Adam and I held the family together and made sure everyone was there for Charlotte.

I am the artist who can put my feelings to paper and create some not so terrible art.

I am the writer who uses her blog as a coping mechanism but also helps others going through similar heartache.

I am the girl who tried to kill herself and survived,  using the same strength my sister had to carry on through my darkest hour.

I am the girl, who lived.

Thank you

(This blog post sounds like that Jamelia song but we're just going to politely ignore that- cool?)

To the man who broke my heart.

Thank you 

Thank you for walking out of my life, for leaving me.

Thank you for hurting me, 

Thank you for all the tears, the bruises, the slamming doors and raised voices.

Thank you for breaking every last bit of me,

If not, I wouldn't have learnt something valuable.

I would never have learnt how strong I could be.

I would never have learnt what I deserve from life, from love.

I would never have learnt to not let any person treat me that way.

I would never have fallen in love with a man who is kind,

Thank you for giving him the opportunity to love me, do things that would make me truly happy, to really keep me,

He does all the things you failed to do for me, like being there for me when I feel most alone.

Give me time and affection even when I'm not asking for it.

He loves me for all that I am, and will support me in anything I want to be.

Thank you for making me into the person I am today,

Thank you for showing me that I deserve someone stronger, braver and kinder than you-

and I am so thankful I found that someone.

In a world where everybody lies

I haven't spoken to you in a while, sorry for being a bad friend, forgive me?

So I have a boyfriend now (Woowoop)

Nope I didn't see it coming either.

I wasn't in a great place when we met, I mean I wasn't in a super bad place like I have been I just wasn't in a particularly good place.

I wasn't looking for someone to fix me because I don't need fixing- I'm not broken, 

I am just a girl who has had a rough five years and noone will be able to change that (Unless they happen to have a time machine but I'm not sure if that would be very helpful).

I have issues trusting people for reasons you can read about in other blog posts.

There are very few people I would be able to call friends because my walls are up very high,

In world where everybody lies, it is hard to find someone to trust.

Whilst he hasn't changed the past, or fixed any problems, he's done something quite remarkable.

He broke down my walls, without me even realising,

and when he rebuilt my walls he didn't just make them stronger,

he put in windows so the sun could shine in.

Blog love/ Sorry for being lame

xxx

"Where's wally" of failed relationships

They say you don't know pain till you've walked a mile in another man shoes,

What they should really say is you don't know pain till you've walked barefoot for 20 minutes 

Holding my heels in one hand and my phone as a flash light in the other I found myself lost in my own thoughts.

The silence was deafening heightening any thoughts I had placed securely at the back of my mind,

Alcohol also had a role to play in this (Also a role in any spelling mistakes so I apologise).

I had drank a few drinks and whilst alcohol is normally a great party starter for most people, for me it let down the barriers for the waves of sadness I had been holding back and determined to not ruin the  night for anyone else I would take myself home.

Whilst misery may love company, I certainly do not want to add company to my misery.

The night was good don't get me wrong, amazing people and everything but as I looked onto the crowd of people I noticed a few familiar situations.

The one crying over the boy.

The argument between a couple.

The guy being strung along by a girl.

Almost like a "Where's wally" of failed relationships.

As I tried to explain to someone as a victim of heartbreak, I'll explain it to you also...

People are horrible.

They are, They really are,

People are selfish and nasty,

and I'll bet the person you're crying over doesn't even give a damn

(Tough love right there)

BUT all it's going to take is one person

One person to treat you half as well as they did,

To realise that they really weren't all that,

There are nice people out there but believe me I've kissed my fair share of frogs.

You know what it is worth it.

Every single heart break,

Every single confidence blow caused by a selfish being,

was worth it for the feeling I have now,

The feeling of being wanted,

The feeling of being incredibly happy by another,

I guess what I'm trying to say is whatever horrible experience you've had finding love or any relationship you're currently in where you think this isn't right,

There is so much better out there, you just have to have faith.

Blog love

xxx

"...I'm not fine"

Sitting in a doctors office is something everyone has experienced, the polite gesture for you to take a seat followed by the "How can I help you today?".

For me it's slightly different, I feel like whenever I go to see my doctor, she gives me that sympathetic smile and very softly asks "How are you?" like I'm a baby bird with a broken wing.

All it takes is a look into my tired eyes to know exactly how I am however I fake a smile and without thinking mutter "I'm fine it's just..."

Then I self reflect on the words that just escaped my mouth, why on earth did I say that and then pulling my eyes away from the floor I say 

"...I'm not fine"

It's very hard to admit how you really feel, even to a doctor someone who needs to know exactly how you are because it is so much easier to lie and avoid those questions.

Those god damn questions which are always asked but are impossible to answer.

I don't know what is worse, being asked "what's wrong" when nothing is right or having someone not ask you at all.

I hate feeling like this.

This feeling of overwhelming sadness but I don't know why, I don't know why I feel so empty but there hasn't been a trigger, nothing particularly bad has happened.

It feels like missing someone you've never met.

Needing someone who doesn't need you.

Loneliness engulfs you, takes over every inch of you but you don't even care.

Sadness becomes your best and only friend, isolating you from everyone.

Desperate to be left alone as you hate who you've become but also wishing for someone to come along and take the pain away.

Someone to just tell you that everything will be fine.

I hate feeling like that.

The feeling where you don't know what you're feeling.

Depression is stealing my education.

Stealing all of my friends

My motivation.

My dreams.

My future

My life

Me,

Dear Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, it's not that I've forgotten about you- I think about you every day. It's just right now I feel like I need you more than ever, I feel so alone and I know it's because you're not here. You were the only one I knew like that back of my hand, it was like you spoke a language which only I understood, I could just look at your face and be able to tell how you were feeling. 

Of course part of that is due to you being so expressive which is another thing I terribly miss. If something upset you or angered you everyone knew about it, with you I always knew where I stood, other people are so fake and it's tiring having to constantly read between the lines. You would never have anyone in your life who wasn't worth it, I used to think that was quite cruel but now I admire it, you had so much control over a life which was completely unfair and wasn't willing to let other people ruin the few happy moments you had.

I am filled with guilt knowing that I am doing so badly at my life, a life which you didn't have a chance to have. How could I even consider taking my own life when you fought so hard to have yours and it was taken away? I am sorry, I am really trying, really trying to keep my head above water but without you here it' would be so much easier to drown. I am discovering more and more why you had such a dislike for so many people, People are generally selfish, there are not many people who would take me at my worse, in fact I can list them on one hand. 

I can't blame them for this to be honest, I mean who could love something so broken but with you I always felt so strong, I had a reason to be so strong, I would stay by your side, hold your hand and take on any pain or heartbreak for you. Now you're gone I'm this pathetic mess of a being, unable to cope with my own thoughts. I had a clear purpose before and now I don't even know what I'm doing.

It physically hurts in my heart just thinking about you, hearing your names, seeing your face. I'd give anything just for another hour or even a minute with you. I wish I could tell you how proud I was to have you as a sister. I wish I could tell you how I've always loved you, even when we fought.

What I wish for more than anything is-

I wish you weren't dead because I don't know if I can do this without you.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Amy

I am tired.

"I am tired.

This isn't the kind of tired where sleep can fix it, I'm exhausted from life.

I'm sick and tired of trying to hide the mess that I am.

Tired of being surrounded by people who don't care.

Tired of being surrounded by fake people.

Everyone is so desperate to be perfect and hide their imperfections, they don't see that it is their blemishes that make them attractive because that is what makes them human.

I'd much rather fall in love with a human than photograph.

We are taught so many things in school, years and years in education yet we never learn how to love ourselves and how important it is.

We are taught to hide our feelings, told that mental illness is a taboo that you must keep to yourself which inevitably makes it worse.

You feel like you're the only one who feels sad because everyone else is wearing a fake smile, who is that fake smile helping?

I feel like I am completely on my own here, all I want is for someone else to be honest, that is all I ask and I don't understand why that is so unrealistic and why this hurts so much"

"You are a terribly real thing, in a terribly false world and that is why you're in so much pain" 

"You know whatever happens Amy this isn't your fault"

Amy, I'm sorry to contact you, I know I'm the last person you want to hear from but I have noone else and I really need you right now

How did he manage to contact me? I blocked his number, is the first thing that goes through my head,

Followed quickly by the assumption he's going to threaten to kill himself, something he has done in the past to get me back in his life.

I understand I know what I have to do. I'm sorry.

My fear has been confirmed, whilst I know I should ignore him, I know I shouldn't reply, he has done this so many times before and is just a way to manipulate me- to claw me back in,

What if he's serious this time?

What if I could have stopped him? I could never handle that guilt.

This is a man (although that may be the wrong word) who tortured me for almost a year, who made me forget who I truly was, who's poison sunk to my very core making me a shell of the strong person I once was.

Why would I even give him the time of day, let alone help him?

That is a good question.

I guess whilst he broke me in ways I could never be able to describe in mere words, I am not him.

I am not cruel nor evil and whilst I do not encourage his behaviour I could never turn my back on someone who needed help, not even my worst enemy.

What is wrong?

I just can't do it anymore Amy, I've tried to get better, I've tried to stop the paranoia and nastiness that drove you away but I can't. I've pushed everyone away the same way I did you and now I have noone, I am a bad person who shouldn't be alive, so much so I've made plans to end my life.

Don't do anything.

I desperately searched through my phone for his parents number with no luck. He had made me delete them in front of him last time he was abusive as I had tried to contact them for help.

I have to do this Amy, I know what I have to do.

I was in Essex and he was in Kent, I wouldn't be able to reach him in time even if I wanted to, although that was the last thing I wanted to do, I didn't want to see him ever again but I couldn't just let him kill himself.

Where are you?

I'm at a train station.

Now things are serious, if he was going to jump in front of a train I really didn't have a lot of time.

What train station?

Stay there I will meet you.

Don't do anything I will be there just tell me where you are.

Maidstone West. 

I tried ringing 999 but directed me to Essex police which was no use to me they told me to dial 101 and ask for Kent but after being on for 5 minutes I knew that was going to take too long. I did what any grown adult would do... I rang my mum.

"Mum, I need you to do something for me"

"Amy, what's wrong?"

"I can't explain right now, I need you to dial 999 and tell the police ***** is at Maidstone West station and suicidal"

"Amy this isn't your problem anymore he shouldn't be contacting you"

"Please"

"You know whatever happens Amy this isn't your fault, you've done everything you can do"

I feel a lump in my throat as the true seriousness of the situation finally dawned on me. I continued to tell him to wait for me at the station until I got the call saying the police are with him and he's been taken to hospital.

Later on I recieved a call from his Dad explaining he had spent the whole day with him and he seemed fine, he certainly wasn't all on his own.

It was clear this was a stunt to try get me back in his life and although it is infuriating that someone could do something like that, to emotionally black mail you in such a horrible way I still wouldn't have acted any different/

He needed help and now he has it.

I am no in the process of changing my number so this doesn't happen again and as much as I despise him as a human, I have no regrets.

I am everything he isn't and I will never refuse help someone who needs me.

No matter how difficult it may be.

---------------------------

I would also like to take this moment to thank Tori, Matthew and Tom who's support last night allowed me to be strong enough to deal with the situation correctly. You beautiful people.

Heartbreak is in the air

Heartbreak is in the air recently.

A lot of people have asked for advice on a similar topic so I thought I would write it out.

It's also playing in my mind over and over as unfortunately as many of you know a broken heart doesn't heal overnight.

Regardless on how long the relationship was, or even if it was a relationship officially, this person was a big part of your life and you're grieving that loss.

That is normal.

It is not the same as someone dying please for the love of god do not compare it to that because a loved one dying is a whole different level of pain.

This however still hurts like hell.

What is hard is when there wasn't really anything you lost, but you imagined what a future with them would be, you felt safe enough to let them in that part of your mind so you're actually grieving the loss of what could have been.

What you have had.

This is where you start to feel crazy, over thinking, over analysing because why on earth do you miss something that wasn't even truly your in the first place.

To anyone who has recently ended things with someone and then wonders why they seem so hurt- that is why.

They had to erase you the picture of their future and whilst they used to daydream scenarios of what could have been they have to now forget these unlived memories.

They are not necessarily annoyed at you but annoyed at themselves for letting you into that picture.

That is why I always advice people to not plan your future around another person because if they leave it's going to be so much harder.

Plan the future for you- noone else.

Now comes the tough love part.

If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you.

It's that simple, no if's no but's, they will make it happen.

If they are ignoring you- they don't want you.

If they don't want to see you- they don't want you.

None of this "Maybe they don't have time" because if they want you they will make time.

So do not waste yours waiting for a dream that will never come true.

You were happy before them and you can be happy without them, don't let them be the soul reason for your happiness.

The right person will come along in time but it isn't something you can force or rush, it just happens.

I know it hurts and I know how unwanted you feel right now.

Build your confidence back up, find yourself again and let someone fall in love with who you are not who you are with someone.

Be your own person because you are amazing but don't waste your time with someone who can't see that.

Everything will be fine.

Blog love.

Things toddlers and I have in common...

1. If I'm tired I will snap at you, cry or demand love.

2. I want to stroke all dogs I see.

3. I want to stay in my pyjamas all day.

(On a side note, HOW GOOD WAS THIS SHOW, I mean made no sense but still)

4. Yes of course I want whipped cream and marshmallows with my hot chocolate, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

5. I need to nap or I will get grumpy.

6. I will eat a whole pack of sweets, be really hyper for a few minutes and then realise I've made a huge mistake and moan about self inflicted stomach pains.

7. I will cry if you shout at me, 

I will also cry if you don't have pizza...

8. I have room dessert. I have a a main course belly and a dessert belly. It's a thing.

9. I will hide from all my responsibilities in a pillow fort.

Blog love

xxx

Beating heart of happiness

I always thought the beating heart of happiness was love.

The unconditional love of family but also the intense love of a significant other which pumps happiness through to every fibre of our body.

Of course as previously written the unreciprocated love causes this bitter sweet feeling of both happiness and sorrow. 

As their smile not only the reason your heart skips a beat; it is also the cause of the cracks.

Tragically beautiful really.

You see whilst love is beautiful it is also chaotic, playing tricks with your mind causing you to act so irrationally and out of character.

In a sea of people I will always search for his face, regardless of what country I'm in.

The irrational feeling that I couldn't feel fully happy without seeing his eyes.

I've always mocked people on their dependency on other people, couples who can never be apart have always perplexed me, How could you know who you are if you're never apart?

Yet here I was, a pathetic princess awaiting prince charming to break the curse of reality.

That's not me, that has never been me.

What had I become?

Sickened by my own behaviour and wishing there was an "off" switch for feelings because I really didn't have the time or energy to convince the inner Cinderella in rags that there would no be "happily ever after" I stepped onto the frozen lakes.

I had the honour of making the first footsteps in acres of untouched snow, clear blue sky forming the perfect silhouette of the surrounding forest.

That's when I felt it, Something I hadn't felt in what seemed like eternity.

I was unable to control corners of my mouth and began to smile.

"Is this what it's like?"

I thought to myself, still in awe at the beauty that engulfed me.

"This is what it feels like to be happy?"

Unaltered, untainted happiness. 

No fear.

No worries.

Just happiness.

This whole time I was searching for someone or something in order to be happy but the ability was with me all along.

Noone else, it was all me.

I just needed to know where to look for it.