How to dance in the rain

Please don't be mislead by this title- this is not a dance tutorial.

For the first time in years I feel happy. Truly happy.

Now I realise this may come as quite a shock as I seem to write most of my blog posts when I'm feeling sad- an outlet for my grief however I thought I'd mix it up a bit.

2013 was the worst year of my life- no exaggeration. .

The stress of family separation, the break down of my first long term relationship, followed by the serious illness and death of my sister. Plus to top it all off having to retake a university year not knowing anyone.

That's a lot for the heart to handle. I think it's safe to say I was in pieces, A mess of a person and lost in a world I felt didn't have a place for me.

Trapped in the overwhelming darkness of grief I didn't know how to cope.

But I did. I actually did it. So I thought I'd share with you all my greatest accomplishment, climbing myself out of hell.

Firstly, as you've probably heard from a million people, Time is a great healer but you can't have that on it's own. You need support. You need (as lame as this is going to sound) love.

Sometimes especially if you're grieving through the loss of a family member support is going to be hard to find as everyone else is in pieces too.

You have to be your own saviour.

As hard as it is to hear, you only have yourself.

SO BE SELFISH. Look after yourself. Don't put up with things you don't deserve or people in your life who don't deserve you. 

This includes family. I'm not saying cut out your little brother because he put a spider in your room. I mean sometimes people cause more harm than good and whilst blood is thicker than water it still needs a heart to pump it round your body. 

You can find family in the friends that are there for you.

Next set up things for future you. Right now you probably feel pretty useless however you in six months time may be ready to face the world sooooo apply for jobs, internships, experience etc book a holiday! or sky diving whatever you feel is best. Trust me future you will be so grateful. 

Find people who love you (They're out there). Not just anyone, don't jump into bed with the first person to give you attention.

Be cautious with your heart, you've been through enough pain you don't want to have anymore hurt. 

Find a good person, who makes you happy, who is brave and would stick by your side in your darkest hour because that's what you need. 

A true friend who loves you for who you are and is so proud to be part of your life.

It took me a while but I've found some amazing friends who have helped me finally feel like myself again (Tori, Emma and Rosie I honestly cannot thank you enough). 

I also fell in love again, something I didn't think I'd be able to do after how much my heart had been beaten. 

It took a long time don't get me wrong, ask him about it- I was an absolute pain he did so much chasing but I finally put my wall down and I have never felt so loved and protected which is what I need.

Once you've been through pain that's what you need, someone who is caring and who treats you right.

It isn't going to be easy in fact it's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever been through but it's not impossible. 

In your darkness it may just be a spark of hope but it's there, don't give up and I promise you things will get better.

7/12/2014- Charlottes Birthday

I wish I could give you my heart for just a minute, so you could feel how I feel. As I can't do that I'm going to try my best to describe it to you.

My sister would have turned twenty today. It's like opening an old wound and rubbing salt into it.

Suddenly you're right back to where you started. I feel just as overwhelmed with sadness as I did the day she died.

It's as if you are numb all over, it hurts to breath, every time you speak your chest knots and you feel a constant flow of tears running down your cheek.

You start to forget what the world looks like through dry eyes and begin wondering how you can still be crying because surely you have no water left.

I want to sleep, I'd give anything to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see every memory I've been pushing down the past year.

That's the thing, I'm struggling to remember the good memories- I can only see the bad. 

It's being trapped in a nightmare because being awake and being a sleep are both full of unbearable pain with no outlet.

I guess this is my outlet.

People ask me how they can help and I appreciate it but I have no answer. 

Right now it feels like nothing can help, nothing can soothe the pain because if I knew I'd be doing it.

They ask me to talk about it but every time I bring myself to speak of the memories that haunt me it feels like I'm choking, suffocating. It's like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

That's why it's so isolating. Even people grieving with me have their own grieve, their own relationship with a deceased. 

I don't know what is right for me, I don't know what I need, I'm only twenty one I have virtually no life experience yet I've lost the person I was closest too in this world.

How am I meant to know what to do? 

How am I supposed to know how to cope?

I know

I know you're sad right now so I'm not going to tell you to have a good day because I know that's just not possible.

I know right now you're searching for answers but can't find any and that you see no justification as to why this has happened to you.

I know that smile on your face is fake and that on the inside you feel like each grain of your heart is breaking away piece by piece. 

I know you want to be honest and tell people how you really feel but you don't want to burden anyone with a problem that doesn't have a solution.

I know you have so much guilt and regret that you've buried deep inside you that you can't bare to speak about-it haunts you.

I know this world doesn't make sense to you anymore.

I know you keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

I know you keep waiting for the day where you wake up and the pain isn't there.

I know you tell people that summer was a blur but you can remember every single minute of every single day you spent at the hospice.

I know you can remember her body shrink to skin and bones.

I know you can remember the sounds of her crying out in pain.

I know you remember the white coffin with the purple flowers.

I know you can remember standing up in front of all those people and saying goodbye one final time.

I know you are suffering.

The fact you are suffering doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you undesirable or unlovable. It doesn't mean you're too much or too sensitive or too needy. 

It makes you human.

Everyone falls apart sometimes and everyone feels overwhelmed by the hand of cards they've been dealt. 

You're going to be irritable, sad and honestly hard to be around but that's ok. No one is easy to be around 100% of the time.

You may be unpleasant and difficult. You may say or do things you don't meant but that isn't all of who you are.

You can be suffering and still be loved.

You can be difficult and still be cared for.

You can be imperfect and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

So I'm not going to tell you to have a good day. I'm just going to tell you to have a day.

Don't ever stop trying to live.

My List

I realise we're a bit far from New Year so it's a bit early to start New Years resolutions that let's be honest I'm not going to keep so instead I'm going to write a list of goals I'm going to do from RIGHT NOW.

Yeah I could of waited for a bit more of a memorable time than the 29th November but oh well effort to wait another whole day.

Anyway lets get the ball rolling,

1, Laugh more

Sometimes you're going to feel sad, it's inevitable so make the most when something makes you smile or laugh.

2. Stop over thinking

Things happen that you can't change, can't justify. Take a deep breath and move on.

3. Tell my family I love them more

Yes they're annoying and super weird but so are you, I think it's in the genes. 

4. Generally tell people I love them more.

I mean friends here don't become one of those people offering free hugs on the street

5. Stop taking for granted what you have.

You're lucky. Really you are,

6. Go on more dates 

(With the boyfriend not just random men)

7. Get outside more!

Whilst the lab and bar are both warm there isn't a lot of nature in there.

8. Be content with your body 

because plastic surgery is painful and let's be honest you'll never be able to afford it

9. Look after yourself.

You're not a super hero so eat your veg.

10. Don't give up.

Life's hard but you can do this.

Blog love

xxxx

Seeing you again

We've all been in that situation where a face from the past shows up when your least expecting it.

Mine has a bit more too it because this wasn't just your usual break up.

This was the "man" who broke up with me over facebook when my sister was dying in intensive care.

Yes, there really are people like that. 

So anyway seeing him for the first time was a shock to the system, it was like a flash back to that exact moment where everything in my life was falling apart.

I was scared to see him, frozen in shock, waited for him to leave so I could finally breathe again.

I realise I have nothing to hide from I just wasn't expecting to feel that gut wrenching pain at that second. 

Luckily I was surrounded by people who loved me, my work family. So whilst I wanted to hide and cry they put their arms around me and told me I'll be ok.

Fast forward a week to when I see him again, casually walking past me with a girl to then walk past to where they were originally sitting. Pathetic right?

So as I watched them be all over each other (over the top all over) I couldn't help but smile.

In that moment you proved what a low person you are, instead of the decent thing any other person would do of apologising you choose to try hurt me more.

It didn't work. 

The honest truth is I have someone who truly loves me and a happy life I wouldn't have with you.

I am not the same girl I was back then and I am so grateful for that.

What I'm trying to say is Thank you. 

I'm not scared anymore.

Fearless

I'm not scared of dying. 

I realise that is quite a morbid thing to say and certainly a strange way to start a post; but it's true.

Not that I intend on dying in the near future it's just a odd feeling.

Liberating in fact.

Dying is an inevitable darkness that brings fear into the hearts of billions; but not me.

I'm not religious, I'm a scientist and base most of my beliefs on facts and evidence.

I don't think there's a heaven in the sky or a hell beneath the earth. 

I have a different theory. One you can feel free to laugh at and choose to ignore.

All living organisms have energy.

Energy can't be created or destroyed.

I believe that when we die our energy is released from our bodies. 

What it does from here I don't know but I hope that it would be reunited with the energy from lost and present loved ones.

My energy will be with my little sister and be close to ones I love.

That's why I'm not afraid of dying and why I'm not afraid of being alone; because I'm not alone and I never will be.

Silver lining of a tragic story and at the end of the day it's made me fearless.

Heroes and Villains

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, sorta been preoccupied wallowing in self pity but today that's gonna change... well maybe tomorrow it will changed I'm still pretty bummed out.

As you may already know if you've read before is I lost my sister a year ago. Whilst I think I've coped with it well I don't think there is a right way of coping.

I mean if I was completely fine and never cried I'd be heartless but if I cried all day and never left the house I'd be an emotional wreck. I guess it's all about balance.

Here is my sad realisation- Maybe I'll never be ok.

Sure I can carry on with my life but I'll never be the same girl I was before. 

I'll always be a bit broken.

But that is ok. 

I mean none of the great people in this world had an easy life.

Look at super heroes they're orphaned or traumatised in some way.

I realise I shouldn't compare myself to super heroes because lets be honest even if I did build a bat cave and try fight crime in a costume I'd probably get arrested and be sectioned.

It is bad experiences that make us. 

You have a choice, you can either be a villain or a hero in your story.

I'm going to chose to be a hero.

I probably won't save the world I'll just try my best to be a good person.

Blog love

xxx

The monster

Alcohol is one of those things that changes with age.

I don't mean the taste although that is the case for you fancy people with you aged scotch.

I'm talking about how your view of it changes.

When your younger and you have that first sip of it at New Year. You can't wait to see what all the fuss is about so you try some Bucks Fizz something you now realise is so low in alcohol content it's really not worth drinking...

but remember being five or six...

having that first sip...

and pulling that same face you pull now after having a tequila shot.

GROSS

"Why do grown up like this?!"

Now whilst I'm sure that is the only childhood view some of you have,

that and drinking blue WKD on a park bench saying you're SO DRUNK but in reality it's nothing more than a slight sugar high. Pretty much the same feeling you'd get if you had one too many haribos.

No, I'm talking about a different memory.

The one where your parent/parents/family member are drinking some kind of poison and they switch into a person that you've met a few times before and you don't like.

The tears mixed with anger and loud voices followed by the sound of things breaking and falling as they try and walk.

A monster with slurred words, half opened eyes and unsteady on there feet.

I have a few memories like this, one that haunts me now more than ever.

I don't wish to demonise the family member so I will just refer to them as "he".

It's 2am I'm woken by the sound of Charlotte's feeding machine beeping. It's a bit temperamental at times and being only 11 years of age I had no idea how to fix it. 

I knocked on the next room, explained the situation and asked for some help.

He enters with some mumbling presses some buttons then returns to bed.

A few minutes go by then the machine starts to beep again.

He returns with louder mumbling which I still couldn't make out.

Charlotte by the way is still fast asleep being profoundly deaf it is very hard to wake her.

He rips the machine out of the socket and brings it to a side table to try fix it, still mumbling under his breath.

I am sat up in bed both concerned about Charlottes feeding machine and what he was saying.

"You know it's alright you" he finally spluttered.

Understandably confused by this sudden outburst all I could reply was "What?"

"You can go outside and play with your cousins, you can go whilst Charlotte has to stay inside, YOU are her sister, you should stay in with her"

I sat there stunned but it wasn't over

"Sometimes I wish, I'd of just let her die because this is cruel, what you are doing is cruel, It is your fault she's like this"

The next thing I remember is counting.

Crazy right?

I placed my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and counted out loud.

He was still shouting but I couldn't hear him. 

Tears streaming down my face but I just kept counting.

I remember confronting him about it at a later date, He denies it with his life or maybe he just doesn't remember it.

I don't need acknowledgement I know it happened.

Of course I know everything that he said was wrong and of course Charlotte being ill wasn't my fault, she was born that way.

But when your 11 and a grown up tells you that, you do believe them. 

It look of reassuring for me to stop.

Now ten years on and after I have drink, now and then when I start to lose control this fear hits me

"What if I turn into the monster?"

I'm sure other people feel this way, that's why I don't really like getting drunk, 

I don't want to be a monster.

------------------------

Serious blog love

Sad eyes

It's been a while... apologies.

Ever had one of those moods where you just hate everyone and everything?

There's no real cause for the anger so there's no aim, it just hits anyone who's in your path.

Of course there are people who deserve the anger, that bully from high school, that boy who broke your heart... but they aren't here right now so these random strangers on the train will have to do.

I don't look angry. I look sad.

I remember the morning after a break up I sat at the kitchen table. Stirring cheerios in my bowl with no appetite to eat it. 

I just started crying. There was no trigger. Noone had said anything I just sat in silent.

My dad who was reading the paper, put it down, got up and gave me a hug.

This was a big deal, he wasn't a hug person and being over 6ft tall it felt like being in the arms of a giant.

It both did and didn't help at the same time.

It didn't stop my heart hurting but for a few seconds I felt safe when I was so fragile.

My mum rushed into the kitchen, doing some dishes, moaning about my three younger brother running riot in the room next door when she turned and looked at me. 

She held me tightly which then made me cry even harder and said

"I wish I could take the pain away"

That is how I feel everyone see's me when I'm like this.

Even when I'm rude to people for being in my way and feel like I'm being the moodiest cow in the world, complete strangers turn and give me that sympathetic smile.

That same look in their eyes that my Mum and Dad had that day.

I guess sometimes even with your bravest moodiest face, you can't hide those sad eyes.

I should probably explain why I'm sad but I'm sure you've already guessed.

I miss my sister.

No matter how much you love someone, it isn't even close to how much you're going to miss them when they're gone...

and I loved my sister a hell of a lot.

Charlotte- The beginning

Don't worry I'm not going to tell you my whole life story. 

To be completely honest my life has years of very uninteresting events.

I thought I'd start to give an over view, a back story if you wish to show how we ended up here.

Now where do I begin...

My mum (Sarah) married my dad (Tom) and by all means happy.

They had their first child which was a boy named Adam (My brother). Adam was very well behaved, quiet and always happy with a big grin on his face. Obsessed with trains and dinosaurs but never really spoke.

Two years later they had their second child, a girl named Amy (That's me). Adam wasn't interested in me at all, apparently he didn't even like me till I was two or three. I was not like Adam. I was naughty, cheeky and a lot of trouble but I dressed like a girly girl with dresses and matching hats. That's my mums fault.

Just under 2 years later my mum was pregnant with her third child. The bump was different. It was smaller. There had been no sign that there was anything wrong with the baby but when Charlotte was born, everyone was shocked.

She was this tiny baby, born full term yet weighed only 5 pounds. The doctors raced her away to be checked over as there were clear obvious signs something was wrong. The doctors came back with a list to the floor with things wrong with her, My mum had just gone through labour, spent 9 months uncomfortable and the baby wasn't right.  She was angry, grieving for the perfect baby she thought she had.

A neighbour and good friend came to visit with a soft toy for the baby. My mother angry and emotional told her what was the point, her baby wasn't perfect and she cannot look after a disabled child. My neighbour looked at her and sternly said the words that made my mum change how she saw things.

"She is still your child"

Charlotte wasn't perfect but she was loved with everything my parents had. Having a disabled child is really hard but having one with no warning, that is terrifying. 

I am so proud of my mum for becoming the person she is now, she was always there for Charlotte even when things got hard. 

A very strong woman.

Memorial day

There I am stood in this white walled room. 

Surrounded by other families.

All pleasantly talking to each other, exchanging smiles and drinking tea.

What thing do we all have in common?

All these families. Lost a Child.

My eyes begin to water and I try to down my coffee as if it would stop the tears. 

Embarrassed by my puffy red eyes I turn my back to everyone, acting like I'm reading a notice on the wall.

"How to cope with the loss of a child"

well that didn't help

A support worker who worked closely with my family came over to talk to us, asking questions about how we'd been.

Whilst I tried to hide my face and wipe my eyes it was no good, eventually I had to turn around.

That smile on her face soon turned from happy to pity.

I suddenly had so many arms around me.

"This is a safe place" she said

I'm now crying hysterically, my eyes search around the room and see all these other families with the same pity smile.

Why was it so hard?

Why was no one else this much of a mess?

The last time I was in that room, was Charlotte's funeral.

This building was where she died. 

It was where I lived for most of last year.

The staff all knew me, recognised me.

There's still my painting I did with Charlotte hanging up in the hallway. 

The smells, The colours, The heartbreak.

One thing was missing, the one thing that always brought me back to this place.

I used to sit by her bed all day, I'd have my breakfast, lunch and dinner there.

She'd only be awake for a few hours each day but I'd be there.

I'd hold her hand when she was scared, I'd sign to her when she wanted explanations.

I have a clear purpose.

I'd always had that same purpose.

Growing up me and Charlotte were just a year apart and I was the strongest signer in the family.

I never left her side.

I'd translate so she could talk to others, I'd look after her when she was ill and I'd protect her.

I couldn't protect her from this.

I had one purpose in life, one true duty and I failed.

What am I supposed to do now without her?

Warren Street

There I am on the tube to my internship induction.

A huge opportunity for me and my dream job.

Only a short journey with just 5 stops.

Next Stop Warren Street

Suddenly my heart is in my throat.

The air is thin.

My eyes begin to water.

My hands are shaking....

Of all the things to trigger me, I never thought of a tube station being one of them.

Why Warren street?

You see that is where I spent most of 2013.

Sitting on that tube.

Not knowing what I was going to see.

My sister was ill from Christmas eve 2012 and the problem is no one really knew what was wrong with her.

She was ill. Seriously ill.

I was still at university but found myself spending more time at home as my sister get more ill as I needed my family but more importantly they needed me.

That's the thing, I don't regret having to retake a year of university or losing a boyfriend as I was spending so much time away because I had to do it. 

My family needed me and I stepped up. I don't regret that.

It was pancake day, we had the usual routine of all the children sitting round the kitchen table whilst my mum tried (and on the odd occasion succeeded) to perfectly flip the pancake.

The phone rang.

What you have to try and understand is when someone you love is ill, every time the phone rings your heart drops. It's emotionally exhausted constantly trying to work out what is being said on the phone, if it is the hospital or just my nan rambling on about her cats.

This time I knew straight away it was the hospital.

I could see it in my mums face, the watery eyes, the hand over the mouth trying to compose herself when her heart is being broken.

"I have to go to the hospital now" 

She runs out the room, grabs her shoes but you can tell she has no idea what she's doing.

I grab her arm and ask her to tell me what they said.

"Charlotte's having internal bleeding, they don't know why and they don't know if it's fatal but they need me to go up there"

Tears filled eyes look at me.

"I'll come with you, we'll get the train up"

A 50 minute train ride can feel like a life time. There we both were sitting on a train having no idea what we were going to see.

Your brain goes into over load playing different scenes out in your head of what could happen, arriving and having the doctor say the dreaded "I'm terribly sorry, we did all we could"

I couldn't bare to think about it, and I could see on my mum heartbroken face the same thing was going through her mind. 

My mum had always been very strong, cold almost at times but there she was crying her eyes out. I'd never seen her look so fragile.

I think that's one of the worst things, seeing your parents cry because they're not strong enough to look after you, right now you have to look after then.

I grabbed her hand and smiled.

"I always remember when we were little going shopping in Croydon, Charlotte in the push chair, and we went into the Disney store had a look around and then left to go do some other shopping. We're halfway across the shopping centre when we look down to see Charlotte with a Winnie the Pooh bear double the size of her"

Mum began to laugh, the first smile I'd seen on her in hours.

"I completely forgot about that, I used to use it in my police talks to school about shop lifting."

Next stop Warren street,

We'd been on this route so many times we knew when to stand up, what side the doors opened and the best way to get to the hospital from the station.

The hospital is this huge glass tower. It's quite daunting but sometimes I'd be up there 5 days a week.

My biological parents don't get on. I'm sure they must of at one point but I've never known them that way.

They were refusing to talk to each other.

Therefore I had to organise when they were both visiting hospital so they weren't there at the same time.

I was the middle man.

Seems crazy you think they'd just get along for the sake of Charlotte but lets not get into that.

I didn't want Charlotte to not have a visitor so even if a family member didn't visit we'd organise for the play therapist or aromatherapist to come in and see her.

I'd basically fill in the gaps.

My mum and dad would tell me days they could do and I'd come in all the days they couldn't.

It was much easier when my older brother was home (He's in the navy) as we'd split the visits between us: it gave me a bit of a break.

Also Charlotte loved seeing him and she would always mention how she missed him.

Anyway back to the story, my mum and myself go up to the twelve floor.

Whilst Charlotte was no longer a Cancer patient as her conditions were probably caused by the cancer she was in the Teenage cancer ward, an amazing ward supported by the Teenage cancer trust.

We got into her room and she was sitting up.

Overwhelmed by seeing us she just burst into tears and sobbed her heart out.

She was scared and so were we.

---------------

Blog love

xxxxx

Why I love my little brother.

It's not a very well kept secret but my little brother Oliver is my favourite member of the family.

He's weird and wonderful. 

When asked what kind of pet he'd like... he replied with "A turnip"

When he was around 2 years old and didn't know many words he had an irish accent. There no one Irish in our family yet my mother had some how given birth to a Leprechaun.

When we were on a plane back from holiday he asked me where the sea was, I told him it was the big blue bit and pointed out the window. He asked if that is where ducks live?... So close...but no that's a pond.

He sleep runs. Not sleep walks. Sleep runs. He runs up and down the hall in his sleep. It's very strange...

The most memorable moment with my little brother was last year.

I had just broken up with my boyfriend that evening so was too upset to read him his bedtime story like I normally did.

I couldn't sleep that night. I lay awake at 5 o'clock in the morning feeling sad and heartbroken when Oliver came in my room. Still eyes half shut.

"What are you doing Ollie?"

"I..." He obviously tried to say something but his little brain was far to tired for that.

He climbed into my bed, hugged me and went to sleep.

That is when I knew I'll be fine because there will always be one boy who loves me with all his heart.

Man that was cheesey

Sorry about that guys

Blog love

xxx

The terrifying truth

I love the new trending topic #Yestoallwomen

They have very good points and has changed the way I see some things.

You see,

I grew up with a police woman for a Mum who mainly worked on the rape squad. 

I was taught to cross the road to check if you are being followed.

To if you are being followed to run to the nearest house or most public place to get help.

To walk in the middle of the road late at night (obviously not when there are cars there) as that way you can see all your surroundings.

To if you are walking late at night have a plan of what you would do if you were attacked, where you would run etc.

This is probably the same for most girls, they were given the safety talk growing up by their parents about being safe.

I was told that if heaven forbid I ever was raped to try and notice any distinguishable features: hair colour, eye colour, clothes, any tattoos etc.

I was told if I ever was raped to not change my clothes until I had been to the police station as they are used as evidence.

I always thought rape was a stranger in a dark alley way late at night but what if the rapist is someone you know?

What if it's a boyfriend or husband, Is that rape?

What if you say no but don't physically resist, Is that rape?

What if you are both drunk, Is that rape?

What if you are asleep, Is that rape?

I only learned recently that, all of that is rape.

You'll be surprised at how many people are affected by this, how terrifyingly normal it is for a girl to be raped.

We taught all these way to avoid being raped, told not to dress provocatively or to tease guys but...

Surely we should be focusing on teaching people not to rape?

Short girl problems

If you haven't met me in person then you probably wouldn't realise I'm quite short...

Whilst you may say it's cute. No. Ok. just no. Being short sucks. 

Here is why....

1. I can't reach things.

Yeah ok this seems obvious but no I really can't reach things. To get anything from my kitchen cupboards I have to climb onto the work tops. People ask me why I wear heels at my bar job it's because I can't reach the spirits without them... It's really quite sad.

2. People assume I'm still at school.

This may be partially because when I go to the shop without any makeup I look like a 10 year old boy but really people always think I'm super young. I went to buy paracetamol in sainsburys and got I.D'd... I'M 21 AND I GOT ID'd BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOOK 16.... I once went to the newsagent and he asked me if school wasn't open today -.- It's like when you get charged a child on the bus you don't know whether to be happy you just saved a pound or offended...

3. People feel the need to pick you up.

People pick me up all the time. It's like they want to check if you're as light as you look. Especially when guys kiss you, what is with that?! Yeah I'm sure it's romantic in your head but when you drop me... Not so much (You know who you are... -.- )

4. Being used as an arm rest.

That's great that my shoulder is perfect height for you... Don't even think about it...

It's a hard life... but atleast I don't walk into tree branches... ;)

Short Blog Love

xxxx

A little pep talk just for you

My past few posts have been rather sad so let me just take this moment to give you motivational pep talk based on... well... Life I guess.

Life is hard.

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are it will knock you down. 

You have a choice.

You can either stay there or you can climb your way out of hell.

It's not going to be easy.

It is easy to accept defeat, it is easy to settle and stop moving forward.

It is easy to throw your hands up in the air and say "I'm done with this".

It is normal to question yourself, to doubt yourself, to curse the world.

When hard times come about you find yourself questioning "Why?"

"Why is this happening to me."

"I'm a good person"

"I'm not hurting anyone, I am just trying to protect my family"

Yet there are things that continue to to knock you down.

People.

There are people who do not deserve to be in your life, they do not understand what it means to be your own person because they spend they're like looking at other people trying to make themselves into their hero's but what they fail to see, what they fail to realize is that you will never be the best if all you do is copy.

It is uniqueness that makes true greatness.

It is that uniqueness that separates you from others that makes you stand out. 

Listen to yourself and find out who you want to be. What kind of person do you want to be?

Don't focus on what you want to look like or what you want to own, what kind of person do you want to be?

You will find that as you start to get better, as you start to focus these people are no longer part of your life. Why? because you are not focusing on making them happy or on being like them. You are your own person and you attract other people with that vision with that idea of the world. 

You'll find yourself surrounded by other people who deserve to be part of your life. 

My point is, if you keep going, keep focused on who you want to be and never accept defeat.

You are not finished until you make it.

Part 4 (Back to University)

I was back at University.

It was very surreal. It felt like a completely different world to the Summer I left behind.

I felt completely different to the girl who was here just a year ago. 

I didn't really know anyone but that's the great thing about uni. You can make friends so quickly. 

It was nice in a way. They didn't know the person I was before.

They only knew the person I'd grown into. 

They didn't know what my summer had been like, they didn't know about my sister and even if it was for just an hour or so at work: I felt like a typical girl at uni.

I was lucky that I had things set up so I could keep myself busy.

I was a Resident Support Assistant so had to do lots of training and met some incredible people who I instantly got along with.

I had a bar job at the university that I loved and still love. The people there were like a family to me and I knew even if it was for just a few hours I would laugh, smile and even just for a second forget the reason why my heart ached so much.

I studied an awesome course (which I'm sure you already know from my blog name) and had my first practical. I didn't know anyone on my course so tried to be as happy and as outgoing as I could be (believe it or not I'm actually quite shy). It was the 10th October and there I was in not so sunny England collected samples of mud. That's right mud. Not the greatest thing to get enthusiastic about but I had fun and laughed a lot.

We got back to the lab and I was still super cheerful even though all we were doing was looking through mud samples. Then I felt my heart sank and the smile drained from my face. I figured it was just a mood swing and finished up the lab quickly and headed home.

I got home and just sat at the computer. Not doing anything, not really thinking anything, something just wasn't right.

There was a knock at the door.

I figured it was a cleaner or one of my house mates.

I opened the door and there stood my senior tutor.

I froze. I knew what this meant and the first sentence I could bring myself to say was:

"Oh shit"

"I'm sorry, You lost her at around 4.30 today, I don't really know what to say but I can offer you a hug"

It was strange. I'd thought about this moment before in my head.

I thought I break down and cry. Cower down into the foetal position but I didn't.

There was just nothing.

A numbness.

It was almost like the pain was so much that my body just didn't know how to cope.

Even though I knew this day was coming I was still in so much shock.

I felt empty.

It was as if when her soul had left it had taken part of mine with it, I was left with this gaping whole in my heart. 

This memory still haunts me, like a nightmare I'm still trying to wake up from.

I will never forgot how lost and empty I felt, when my world fell apart.