2008- A daydream

2008

I move the pasta across my plate with no intention of eating it, I have a few bites for taste and wait for an adequate time to pass so I can leave the table without drawing attention to myself.

Not that I would anyway, I always ate alone whilst my parents sat in a separate room, my siblings were wither too young to eat at the table or at boarding school so it was just me.

I scrape the food in the bin and cover it up with other rubbish, again not that anyone would notice but I wasn't going to risk the lecture and abuse I'd receive if anyone found out.

I gently walked up the stairs (I was frequently shouted at for making noise even if it was just my footsteps) and shut my bedroom door.

My bedroom had just a single bed in, too small to fit anything else. 

I once had the larger room but offered it to my younger siblings, hoping it would help me become part of the family, it in fact made things worse. I was now shut off in the box room.

My mother had beautifully decorated it from the Laura Ashley catalogue, it looked like a guest room.

That was the issue, it wasn't my room.

The walls were floral in a duck egg green and curtains my mother had sewn to size herself.

I wanted to be grateful but this wasn't my room.

I wasn't allowed posters on the walls or anything that could express my identity. 

I had a beautiful mirror on the wall, with delicately painted flowers on the frame, the mirror however was covered by a pillow case.

After weeks of verbal abuse from both school and home I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror anymore.

All I could see was my big nose, my frizzy curly hair, my bad skin and fat cheeks.

The words of the bullies imprinted on my brain, tainting every thought I had. 

Unable to cope with my own thoughts I lay on my bed and did the same thing I did every day.

I'd put in my headphones with the volume of full to drown out reality.

I would imagine what it would be like if I was pretty.

What it would be like if people liked me.

I'd imagine what it would be like to have a family that greeted me when I walked through the door.

What it would be like to have someone on my side, to not feel completely alone.

Not eating was my own version of self harm.

I could do it silently, discretely, I didn't want to draw attention to myself, whenever that happened I was always called "Selfish" "Ugly" "Horrible" or a "Bad person".

I never really understood where that came from, the insults weren't relevant to whatever they were shouting at me for but none the less it leaves a mark.

It may sound strange, but lack of food gives you this high feeling, numb and cut off from reality.

It makes those comments that much easier to take when you're drifting in and out of a daydream.

A daydream where you are anyone other than yourself.


--------------------

This is about my teenage years and whilst my family may not have acted well towards me they are good people and we are in a much better place now. This post is not here to make people feel guilty or point fingers, it is to demonstrate how I became the person I am now and how the problems I am having now are linked to previous events.

I felt terrified

I find myself out of sorts this time of year more than others, as many of you know I have been struggling with a sense of self, unable to characterise who or what I am.

The things I have seen or done, the things considered brave or courageous, were not by choice.

Of course there is always an element of choice, how I acted to the situation for example but being put in that situation in the first place, that wasn't my choice.

It was just the way the dice rolled, the cards were dealt, that is life.

I had no desire to see those things, believe me my life would be much simpler if I wasn't haunted by the nightmares. 

The flashbacks.

Sounds and smells are the things that truly overwhelm me,

A certain smell of aftershave (I haven't figured out the exact make).

All it takes is for someone wearing it to walk past me and I can feel his hands around my wrist.

I can feel the bruises forming, that intense pain and fear.

I can feel his breathe against my ear.

I turn numb, unable to see anything around me, it all turns dark.

I try and control my breathing but I'm overcome by panic and fear, desperately fighting to be back in reality.

Fighting with your own mind.

The sounds are linked to a different flashback.

There isn't a trigger, it just happens sometimes.

I can hear the bang. I can't really describe the kind of bang it was because it is nothing like I'd ever heard before.

Loud enough to make your whole body shake.

Followed by the screams.

The blood curdling screams.

The screams that echoed throughout the platform.

The final flashback is again just sounds.

Again a scream, singular.

There is a difference between a scream of fear and a scream of pain.

A scream of pain from someone you love is just heartbreaking.

When in a heartbeat you would take that pain for them.

You would do anything to take it away.

But I couldn't.

The only thing I could do is be there.

Perhaps the things I witnessed and my reactions could be considered brave,

Fighting off an attacker,

Watching someone take their life,

Being there for my sister when she was terminally ill,

I'll let you into a secret,

When those things happened,

I didn't feel strong or brave.

I felt terrified. 

---------------------------------

What I want

"Oh no Amy's having a rant again"

Oh shhh you've missed me really. Now I know I was moving onto the Vlogging side of things but there's some things that just need to be written down. 

Mainly because I rant and ramble.. Oh look I'm doing it again...

So I have had a string of heart breaks and whilst I would like to consider myself a modern day Bridget Jones, I am unfortunately self inflicting by attracting or being attracted to the wrong kind of guys.

I'm so focused on finding someone who will want me, this train wreck of a person, I've let my standards slip.

Not in a appearance kind of way but in who they are as a person.

Now I am going to tell you some truth that all my single readers want to here.

You are not going to die alone.

There are billions of people in the world and one of those people is going to fall in love with me and say "I can't believe those guys couldn't see what I see, they lost out on the most amazing girl"

and I'll be like "Yeah they're fucking twats"

Ok so maybe it won't go exactly like that... but you get my drift.

So many people are so terrified about being alone they hop from one relationship to the next, never truly figuring out who they are or what they want in a partner.

They settle rather than be alone and wait for the right one to come along.

That's not going to be me, and if you're also single don't let the Christmas/NYE blues get you down, they're out there.

Anyway back to my point here is a list of things I want in a future partner and I'm NOT gonna settle.

1. Good heart.

Now I'm not expecting a saint, no ones got a heart of gold but I mean someone who is nice to the waiter at the restaurant (Little tip there- how to tell if someones a good person), someone who will help carry a pushchair up the stairs at a train station. I mean I do all these things, they better do it too.

2. Been through hell

I don't want someone who has had a perfect life. I don't want someone who has never experienced any kind of tragedy, I know that sounds strange but there's this bravery and maturity that comes from this. I find even with friends it is hard to connect with someone who has never felt true heart break, it does change you and makes you a better person. I basically want to marry Harry Potter.

3. Easy to talk too

You know you meet these people who right from the beginning could talk like you'd know each other your whole life. It just works, it's so easy so natural That's what I want, someone who I can be completely me with (and by that I mean be the weird person I truly am and hopefully they'll also be weird)

4. Make me laugh and laugh at themselves.

If you know me, you know how much I laugh at myself- it's all the time. I am so clumsy and do the most ridiculous things where you just have to laugh and I'm not going to be cool and try act like nothing happened- no, I will tell you exactly how stupid I am even if I was the only one that saw. If you can make me laugh, I'm sold. Sometimes I struggle to smile so finding someone who can make me cry with laughter is very important. 

5. Physically attractive

Oh come on now, I had to be a little bit shallow somewhere. I'm not talking Ryan Gosling how about a beautiful tall man with blue eyes? No? In all seriousness if they can do the first four I'll find them attractive no matter what colour their eyes are.

(Btw this isn't a job description, please don't start messaging me your CVs saying you have all the right qualifications)

MAN I SOUND SO LAME.

Oh well it's done now, the fact is I'm not searching for this person, I am done with dating.

They can find me. 

Or I'll be crazy cat lady.

Either way I won't be alone!

Blog love

xxx

I'll keep smiling for you

I am not happy.

That is the honest truth.

I am not in any danger, I am not having an episode but I am depressed.

I am suffering from depression.

People need to be more open about mental illness and when they're suffering.

Now trying to explain this to people is difficult and you get a common response:

"You're just viewing things wrong"

Now anyone who knows me will know that I am a fairly positive person, I mean given everything I still try and be a positive energy. 

Yes I may be viewing things differently, with depression I like to describe it as seeing the world in black and white.

There's no colour no brightness.

If I could switch my way of viewing things to happy then I wouldn't be depressed.

Depression doesn't work like that.

It's not a headache that can go away with a pain killer, it's more like a burn that takes time to heal and can leave a scar.

I have tried to make myself happy- sounds strange right?

I've read those self help books.

I've meditated.

I've knitted for god sake KNITTED

Nothing has shaken this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

I'm not giving up I'm just keeping you updated.

I've lost weight, noticeably in my face apparently so my goal is to make sure I eat enough.

When I get depressed I just forget to eat because I sleep lots, and then feel weak because I havent eaten so sleep more- it's a vicious cycle.

Whilst I have been sleeping lots the quality of sleep is awful, constantly fueled with night terrors making my anxiety shoot through the roof.

I'm basically falling apart but the thing about me is I have done this before, it will pass and it will get better.

If I find a cure for sadness I'll let you know and I'll keep you updated.

I am not in any danger or having an episode.

I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder causing depression and anxiety.

More on that later.

Blog love

I'll keep smiling for you.

Bucket list

Oh Hey blog readers,

It's me again, and yes as usual my life's a mess.

SERIOUSLY WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!

Ever have that moment? Where all your other friends are engaged and you still can't make an omelette?

You realise that you are absolutely god damn ridiculous.

But you know what, I'm fine with that.

So instead of focusing on my future and whether I'm going to become a crazy dog or cat lady (it could easily be either lets be honest)

I'm going to focus on who I am and what I want to do.

Yeah yeah it's one of those "I think I need to take some time out from dating and really focus on my career" posts, but I'm not breaking up with you- we are still very much in love.

So instead of having new years resolution (plus I'm a teeny bit early for that) I'm going to have a bucket list of things I want to have done in year.

1. Do a god damn vlog. You see I made a vlog but then got all self conscious and didn't post it. It's easy for people to hate my blog but people of the internet as very nasty on vlogs. BUT I NEED TO GET OVER IT.

2. Knit a scarf. Knitting is supposed to be therapeautic and I really want a harry potter scarf- WIN WIN. I don't care what anyone says I'm a Gryfindor. You can suck it.

3. Fly a kite. Do you know I have never successfully flown a kite? What a sad childhood I had. If anyone wants to turn up at my house with a kite that would be great. Not in the middle of the night because that would be creepy rather than romantic.

4. Dye my hair a crazy colour. This is my last chance to get away with it. I mean I could just dye it, hate it and go back to a normal colour but atleast with bright hair wearing black all the time won't be so bad.

5. Go swimming in the sea. Even if it is freezing cold just have towels and hot chocolates waiting in the car. Just do it.

6. Play your electric guitar and become good. Like really good. Like OMFG WHO IS SHE good. It could happen.

7. Go to a club and dance so badly that no guy will come near you. Not even the creepy greasy guy in the corner. I want a circle gap around me, not from people cheering me on but from people being worried to come near me.

8. Become adequate at singing. Not good. For anyone who has heard me sing will know it will take a magical potion with unicorn blood to make me a good singer. Just so I can do Karaoke without deafening the room.

9. Smoke a cigar. I don't know why I just think they're cool. I can act sophisticated for 2 seconds before I start coughing my lungs out. THAT'S CLASS.

10. Meditate more and do yoga. Basically become more mindfull because your mind is as messy as my bedroom floor. Seriously I had to choose between having a bed or floor, I chose bed with a beautiful floordrobe.

11. Cook a proper meal without giving yourself food poisoning. It's a lot harder than it sounds I am awful at cooking.

12. Run a marathon. Ok so lets be realistic, a half marathon? Maybe just go for run. Just get about of bed and run to the kitchen. Build up to it.

13. Do a painting. I love to draw but a stack of sketchbooks noone ever sees is a waste. I want to do a painting I can hang on the wall.

14. Combat your fear and go ice skating and come back with all your fingers.

15, Get rid of a spider without killing it. Be brave.

16. Watch the starwars triology back to back and fall in love with it all over again.

So I'll probably add more to this, I just wanted to get it out of my head makes me feel better.

I've had to leave Colchester for a while because the harassment has been so bad but I just want you all to know I am safe and well.

It's just been a rough week.

Blog love

xxx

I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I'm struggling with some demons at the moment,

Maybe demons aren't quite the right word, 

Wrestling with emotions.

Do you mourn the loss of the person you used to be or embrace the new person you are now?

Let me explain what happened, it's going to sound slightly pathetic but bare with me.

I always hated scary movies, I'd spend the whole time hiding behind the sofa or watching it on mute,

Yup I was one of those people.

My boyfriend at the time convinced me to watch insidious and I couldn't sleep for weeks.

I also wouldn't let anyone take my photo.

Of course this was 3 years ago but still before summer I was still scared of them.

The other day I was a few scary films and whilst they were creepy as hell, I wasn't actually scared.

It really didn't phase me.

Strange right?

There is a difference between watching a movie in the safety of company where you can turn it off, leave the room or mute the volume and being trapped in reality where despite using all your strength, fighting off with everything you have you can't stop it.

That is terrifying.

I have experienced something scarier than any fictitious demon or ghost.

I now know that the real monsters aren't in books or films but are hiding behind the eyes of people you once trusted.

Realising that I have lost that part of me, to now be aware of how fragile I am in real life and struck by a fear that haunts me.

I am not scared by the nightmares of ghosts, monsters and demons.

I am scared by the flashbacks of the man that pinned me down 

and tried to rape me.

Things I'm tired of hearing about my piercings (and tattoos more on that later)

I got my tongue pierced today dundunduuuun 

Anyway as a lover and wearer of piercings and tattoos there are certain reactions from people I am fed up of getting, so here it is (for piercings I'll do a separate one for tattoos)

1. Did it hurt?

Seriously I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked this, they stuck a needle in me of course it hurt but not unbearable. It's not THAT bad, some people like the pain... these people are serial killers. 

2. You suit your piercing but I generally hate it, it looks tacky.

Don't lie to me, I'm not the exception here. You also think I'm tacky and that is fine. Everyone as their own taste but that doesn't mean you should go shouting about it. It's like if I went up to every person with blue eyes and said "You suit your eyes but I really don't like blue eyes on humans"- how are you supposed to reply to that?! (Btw that was a lie I love love LOVE people with blue eyes just want to eat you all up)

3. I could never do that too my body.

That's nice... Please go on. Seriously what is the point in that statement, I understand when people say I'm too squeamish but just stating that you are better than piercings is fucking rude. Stop it. Stop it right now.

4. What did your parents think?

Well I'm an adult now so not much really but thanks for your concern.

5. Aren't you worried about how people will view you? I mean what about getting a job.

PLEASE I have a job. Also what kind of judgemental pricks aren't going to hire me because I have a piercing? Unless it is going to get in the way of me doing the job I don't get what the issue is. Why should I care how people view me? It's my body, my life, surely we should embrace individuality rather than trying to fit into what everyone thinks is desirable.

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

Harassment is something that can happen no matter how old you are.

At 22 I honestly thought I was past the days of being bullied but here I am.

I am not a fragile 13 year old with braces and frizzy hair but a 22 year old with straight teeth and tame hair (ish).

So you'd think I could brush off the nasty comments and threats, which sometimes I can do, however they have wore me down.

Wore me down to a point where I believe what these people say.

That's the issue when you post things on the internet, you are bound to be attacked by negativity, especially with a blog like mine that lays my heart on the table, someone is destined to stamp on it.

I don't want to give them the satisfaction of letting them know they've got to me, however as you know I don't believe in suffering in silence.

So I'm going to do this differently, instead of me telling you how negative comments have made me feel I am just going to quote what has been sent to me, so you can see what I have had to put up with on a daily basis by either anonymous comments to my blog or texts sent directly too me from someone who has been harassing me.

"You're so pathetic"

"no wonder ur depressed, i mean look at u, ugly bitch"

"If you're going to kill yourself just do it already, stop whinning about it"

"Have you seen how skinny she is? Seriously how does anyone find that attractive, she looks like a boy"

"Ill find u and finish the job"

"Noone cares"

"sex with her must be like having sex with a bag of bones"

"Learn to spell you stupid bitch"

"Go fuck yourself"

"Her eyes make her look like an ugly bug"

"ur such an attention seeker, go jump in front of a train already"

"shes single, thats no suprise who would want to fuck that"

"shut up and stop moaning"

"Why don't you just kill yourself"

He pulled the trigger

I feel like I can't breathe, I think that is the best way to describe it.

Like someone has taken all the air out of the room.

I love halloween (as many of you have probably already guessed)

I had a beautiful outfit, surrounded by amazing friends yet when I stepped into town my heart was in my stomach.

That sinking feeling.

That fear.

My eyes searching every room to make sure he wasn't there.

Analyzing every face, their height, their expressions, checking their arms for the tattoos.

Then I saw him, from afar, he didn't see me.

My heart and head filled with panic, heart racing, the air got thinner, trying my best to not collapse into a helpless mess on the floor I gathered the courage to say these words to my friends. 

"I'm going home"

Trying to focus on my breathing, to listen to my friend talk but all I kept seeing was the attack.

All I kept feeling were the bruises on my arms.

All I kept hearing were my cries for him to stop.

I felt my whole world shatter all over again after I'd spent so long building it up.

He is the loaded gun for my spiral into depression and anxiety.

He pulled the trigger.

My good news

I got some good news this week.

*Drum roll please*

I am currently being treated as first year PhD student rather than Masters; meaning as long as I get funding I will be a Dr in 3 years.

Dr Cohen, sounds pretty cool eh?

Although I can only medically help if you're a fish.

Whilst this is my dream coming true and I've been going on for ages about how I need some good news, now it's here I'm not entirely sure how to process it.

*Oh no not another trip to memory lane, I'm sorry guys but this is how I understand how I am now and by consciously recognising my flaws I can start to alter them*

When I was a child I tried really hard in school. I still wasn't top of the class, I was clever but nothing exceptional.

The reason I was in the second top classes was because I studied hard, from the age of 12 I would spend most of my time doing home work or revising.

My Step-dad recently asked me where I got my drive from as it clearly hasn't been pasted on to my younger brothers/

The truth is, I did it to be noticed. 

I have previously mentioned how I felt invisible and by getting good grades I thought I could actually get some attention from my parents.

When I'd ask my mum for help with homework or even just try tell her about how well I did she'd tell me she didn't have time, having 9 children running round the house it is understandable.

My mum would also sometimes turn quite nasty (this is common with multiple females in the house, instinct to feel threatened). She would belittle my achievements or tell me that she is still smarter than me despite what grade I get.

My farther would initially be so proud but later on fueled with alcohol would yell that I shouldn't have these acheivements, how dare I brag about how well I'm doing when my siblings are disabled.

"It's alright for you" was his favourite line, followed by "You're just like you're mother"

Alcohol changes people and my Dad was not a bad person, he merely made mistakes as all people do, I have no hate towards him I am analysing how past events have influenced how I am today.

Due to these experiences I now have issue being proud of myself and telling people about my achievement.

When I do tell people it will be quick and short, I'll act like it isn't a big deal and quickly change the subject.

Avoiding eye contact and keeping my voice monotone to prevent seeming big headed.

I now need to work on being able to be proud of myself.

I deserve to feel happy this is a big achievement and I worked so hard for it.

I should be able to proudly tell people good news or just about my life.

Unfortunately my learned behaviour is that people don't actually care about my news.

But people do care.

You care.

So I hope you can be happy for me whilst I work on being happy for myself.

Blog love.

xxx

The worst customers at a bar

1. "I've been waiting here 20 god damn minutes".. "Ok what do you want?" ... "Erm let me ask my friends"

I hate you. I actually hate you. Whilst I might still serve with a smile it will be given with a side of eye rolling and tutting. Seriously if you've been waiting that long surely you would have decided what you wanted. Stop being a dick.

2. "I can't serve you, you're too drunk" .. "I'm not drunk watch this..*Does some strange thing that in no way proves soberity*"

You're an idiot. Believe me this is for your own good (and mine, I don't fancy getting fired from my job). You'll wake up tomorrow with a killer hangover but in your own bed not in hospital after having your stomach pumped. YOU'RE WELCOME. 

3. "Why won't you serve me this absurd drink I made up in my home town?"

I have been a bartender for 3 years, unfortunately learning all the cocktails ever invented isn't something I've had time for, got other things to do. "I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist" stop trying to make ice and lemon sound fancy, you're in a student bar time to tone down the posh twat vibe.

4. "Let me pay you with 5ps and place it on the wet bar"

Why can't you count it in your hand like a normal human? Now I have to pick up your wet pennies and re-count it because I don't trust your drunk maths skills. Stop that.

5. "What you're closed? I didn't hear you ring the bell"

We've been shut half an hour, we had a bouncer clear everyone out... where the hell did you come from? I'm taking off the beer nozzles whilst my colleague is wiping down the front bar... does it look like we're open? You're at university, use some common sense. No I will not serve you one last drink, No I won't do you a favour. Get out of ma pub.

6. "I've spilt my drink and want you to make me a new one"

That's not how this works. Your drink does not come with an insurance policy, I cannot replace it due to accidental damage no matter how much you tell me it was full and you'd just bought it. You should be really mad at yourself right now.

RANT OVER. 

Luckily I work with awesome people so it's worth it.

Blog love

xxx

You can't take this away from me

I haven't written to you in a while, don't worry it's nothing you did.

I've just been busy but you'll be happy to know that I am feeling like myself again.

Hooray!

When you post something online you are always going to receive negative responses, no matter how good it is.

Whilst I have a flood of positive messages about my blog which I really appreciate and means the world to me, I have recently also been bombarded by negative messages so this post will address them.

My blog may not be what you want to read but I'm not holding a gun to your head. If you don't want to read it- don't read it.

My blog may make you feel uncomfortable but that's not my issue that's yours and the current world we live in. 

Mental illness shouldn't be a secret, it shouldn't be something we hide, people shouldn't suffer in silence.

Surely it is better for me to be honest with the world so that people can help rather than keep it locked up tight where I am destined to get worse by wallowing in my own self pity.

People can't help if they don't know.

A big thing with suicide cases is that people didn't even know they were sad, they feel so much guilt because they had no idea what was going on in their loved ones mind.

I'm giving you the key to my mind, to my heart. You can read my blog and discover exactly what is is like in my head.

I think that's a pretty unique gift.

My blog is not a cry for attention, it is me trying to change how we view mental illness and how those struggling with mental illness should seek help without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

I am not going to stop writing it.

It helps me in my darkest hour so I'm not going to apologise.

You can't take this away from me.

Blog love

xxx

We accept the love we think we deserve

Falling in love with someone knowing that they will never feel the same way is terrible.

Falling in love with someone and then realising they aren't the person you thought they were; That's devastating.

It's been a while since I've blogged about my love life- mainly because it's non-existence.

This is 90% by choice, I need to feel safe but I'm also scared of strangers- You can see how I have an issue.

Unfortunately you can't control how you feel, sometimes it doesn't matter how distant you make yourself or how many times you say "I just want to be alone", Your heart does what it wants.

The heart is fucking inconsiderate (Excuse my french)

Fortunately, this man single handedly made me fall in and out of love with him (Impressive right?)

I am now free from that chain, that weight, that burden, whilst love is meant to be this magical thing in reality it's damaging.

Damaging in a sense that your vision is blurred, "rose tinted glasses", despite what the person may do to you, how much they may hurt or be wrong for you, you still want them.

That's dangerous.

As someone who has been abused from a young age, I only know how to be abused or be an abuser, I don't have any concept on what a healthy relationship is or what it is like to be taken care of.

This means that in situations where for others a red flag will show, I don't have that warning because to me it feels normal.

I don't know any different.

I don't know what it is like to be cared for or to be loved.

Which is pretty heartbreaking if you really think about it.

I believe I have broken the cycle where I will never be an abuser.

I know what is wrong and what is right in terms of taking care of other people.

I still haven't figured out how to stop being the abused.

As previously mentioned in a blog post I don't feel I am worth much.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

and I honestly feel like I don't deserve it at all.

The Bravest Thing

I saw a counsellor yesterday.

I realise that's a strange way to start a blog but thought I'd get straight to the point.

It is hard to sit in front of someone and be completely honest about how you are.

I mean it's easy for me to do it on here, I'm hidden behind my computer screen but if you were to ask me how I was in person I'd almost definitely say "I'm fine".

and if you said "Are you sure, you don't look fine"

I'd reply "I'm just tired"

and that would be the end of that conversation. 

Sitting in a room with someone who knows all your demons, knows how you will refuse help from people because in your mind you don't deserve it.

That's biggest issue.

Countless times in the past few weeks I have had tears streaming down my face, a razor blade in one hand and pills in the other.

A phone full of contacts who want to help me, a notice board full of suicide support and crisis teams.

I have never rung a number because in my heart and head I honestly beleive that I do not deserve it.

There may be other people who need the help more than me or deserve it more than me.

The friends and acquaintances who have all stated they'd be round in a second I don't feel like I am worth waking them up for or disturbing their evening.

I am not worth that.

I am an insignificant person who is not worth anything.

That is my biggest demon right now, How I view myself.

Maybe this is after the attempted rape or maybe it is after a string of abusive relationships leaving my confidence and self worth at an all time low.

When she asked me "How often do you feel this way"

My eyes began to water, I looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath and said "All the time".

"Feeling suicidal all the time must be exhausting" She said looking at me with worry "When you first sat down I had no idea you were evening feeling low"

That's the thing, I have mastered the skill of putting on a brave face. I will smile, laugh and make jokes but as soon as I shut my bedroom door fall to the floor and just sob.

Pathetic as it maybe but calling someone for help when I'm suicidal is the bravest thing I'll ever have to and I still haven't found the courage to do it yet.

I am the girl

"Oh no not another blog post"

I know it's getting a bit ridiculous now this blog is turning into my personal diary. I'm sorry but you know this is how I cope with life... so... forgive me ok?

Here's the deal I have never been one of those emotional drunks, I'll have deep conversations sometimes, but normally I am just ridiculous and random.

However this week I have cried (and I mean really really cried like sobbing) twice on nights out, TWICE.

I also got stung by a wasp twice which probably didn't help the situation.

Ok so maybe drinking when your depressed isn't a great idea and maybe if I felt sad I shouldn't have been around people.

But I'm glad I did. There are so many people who I didn't know were amazing, 

I didn't actively ask for help, I was just honest.

Some call it attention seeking others call it brave but I still strongly believe the biggest challenge with mental illness is suffering in silence.

I haven't had all supportive responses.

I've had people I considered a best friend basically ignore/avoid me.

I've had people tell me what I posted was inappropriate and made them feel awkward.

So what?

Just because you can't empathise doesn't mean I should suffer in silence because there are some people who do and can help me.

I'm going to answer a question I'm sure so many of you are asking or have thought to yourself when someone you care about is depressed.

How can I help?

I know you don't have a cure.

I know you can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

I don't expect you to say the right thing or know what to do.

Here is the big secret to supporting someone who is depressed (Drum roll please)

Just be there. 

An arm around the shoulder, a kiss on the forehead, squeeze their hand, even just a smile.

Don't ask them how they are because they may not want/be able to tell you.

Don't ask them why they are sad (Seriously the worst thing, especially when they keep pestering and you just don't have an answer)

Make them laugh.

Make sure they're safe.

Make sure they know you are always there if they need you.

The best thing to say is "I'm so sorry that has happened to you"

Not "I understand how you feel" Not "Get over it"

After coming home last night at 2am I realised something.

I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like crying.

My eyes were dry and I felt like my heart wasn't sinking anymore.

As I walked home from work today, slowly recovering from my hangover, I felt something,

Don't worry I'm not going to claim I saw a ghost or felt god or anything like that.

I remember feeling this way a few weeks after my sister died.

Maybe it's adrenaline.

Maybe it's a sugar high from the ridiculous hot chocolate I drank.

Maybe it's the same strength my sister had that's willing me to go on,

Or maybe just maybe it's me. 

The strong person I was so desperate to be was me all along.

Don't get me wrong I'm still sad, unfortunately doesn't go over night.

The difference I have my fight. my spark back.

I am done with crying.

I am done with staying all bed all day.

I am done with looking in the mirror and hating what I see..

Even if I believe I am ugly on the outside and I can't change that,  that doesn't stop me being a beautiful person on the inside.

I can control that.

I am the girl who will go out of her way to help others.

I am the girl people come to when they need someone to talk too.

I am the girl who smiles and laughs when she feels like crying.

I am the girl who falls in love with people because I see the good in them before they see the good in me.

I am the girl who despite everything still wears her heart on her sleeve, still loves people who don't love her and is nice to people who don't deserve her kindness.

I am the girl who stood up and spoke at her sisters funeral when noone else could.

I am the girl who beat an eating disorder.

I am the girl who stood up to her abusive father to protect her siblings.

I am the girl who had the strength to leave an abusive relationship.

I am the girl who fought back a rapist and reported him to the police.

I am the girl who still went to graduation whilst she still had bruises from her attack.

I am the girl who never felt like she had a family but discovered her own at Essex.

I am the girl who has Bi polar disorder but has never let it hold her back.

I am Amy Cohen, and I am proud of who I am.

p.s. I would like to especially thank Shellie, Leanne and Xian for putting up with my tears and listening to me. I can't thank you enough.